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The Suicide Support Thread

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as always thank you but i spent im tired and lonely how the hell i woke up Saturday morning i dnt know but its time ive had fun but that's it now somethings just got to give and this time it was me
 
I am 41 days clean off bupe and struggling.

I miss so many people that are gone.

I love you all so much so I will hold on another month so I can see if things will get better for me.

Much <3 to D2P, ad lib, and everyone here who has reached out to me.
 
CH, that 41 days clean has taken monumental effort, especially when you are struggling in other ways. Take it one day at a time and get out in the sunshine.<3
 
Nah, there's always a way to change things. It's just more of a challenge sometimes.
 
Sometimes I feel like if things go terribly wrong, I can just kill myself. I'm not sad about it though. I just keep telling myself that if my life ever gets ruined, I can end it. It's weird because I know that if I ever decide to do it, my last moments will be quite happy.
I wish I could understand my mentality.
 
^That is maybe a more common way of thinking than you think. It's like an escape hatch for the mind when it gets desperate about the amount of pain. I don't think it is either unnatural or even necessarily unhealthy to rest in that thought from time to time. Fortunately we also have a biological directive operating in our deep subconscious that also tells us to live no matter what. Our ancestors had it in tough physical times and we carry it on, though our physical lives are usually not the problem!

@ nightwatch: I think what is dangerous is looking at your failures as ruination rather than just inevitable steps in the crazy dance of life. Having a fatalistic viewpoint about your own abilities or your personality or addictions or anything else that you may feel is holding your life in pain is usually just fear of attempting to change. And that fear comes from ego. If you can befriend yourself and be compassionate to yourself, the way you would be to a friend that was trying to change, it opens up a whole world of possibility that your own harsh judgments of yourself won't allow. <3
 
i'm not worried about what i think about myself. i like myself. i know i'm a loving, brilliant person. i'm just concerned because the world seems to hold me in different regard. in my IRL social circles i have been typically disliked. it feels like the last 10 years of my life has been a string of different friends, roommates, and coworkers that have all ended up expressing dislike for me. the friends/roommates thing i am not currently concerned about -- i have resigned myself to being a loner. past experience has shown that i tend to rub people the wrong way, and so i try to avoid social interaction.

what does concern me is professionally -- i have a horrible job history, my background check brings up three different drunken disorderly conduct arrests, and my credit report is horrible. it is making it very difficult to find a job. i have also failed out of two different schools, and now no loan organizations are willing to lend me the money to go back to school. i very much feel like my life is at a dead end. i am struggling to find a minimum wage job in my area that will take me and that i am morally okay with working at. there are a lot of people around where i live looking for work, and on paper i absolutely look like the last person anyone would want to hire. i have had interviews, but unfortunately none of them have accepted me.

of course, in every community there are workplaces that are willing to take almost anyone. i live in a rural area, though, and unfortunately the usual shitty minimum wage jobs that people take when they're in my situation -- supermarkets, fast food chains, factories etc all are actually the GOOD places to work, and can afford to be selective about who they hire. basically my only option left is to work on a dairy farm... a place that only lets female cattle live and raises almost all male cattle to be slaughtered into beef. as a vegetarian, i really don't think i'd have the heart to work at such a place.
 
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That is a tough spot to find yourself in and in no way did I mean to minimize real life hardships--and what you described is both very real and very hard. I guess what I was trying to say is that you would probably never say to a friend. "You have ruined your life". You would probably try to give them a different perspective that would encourage them. Is it lack of money that keeps you tied to your area or family or a love of where you live or some combination of everything?
 
herbavore said:
CH, that 41 days clean has taken monumental effort, especially when you are struggling in other ways. Take it one day at a time and get out in the sunshine.<3
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Thank you. It doesn't feel that way but I know it is too.

Much love everyone

thenightwatch said:
primarily a lack of money, but a combination of everything i guess
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I literally have no money. So I am right there with you tnw
 
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My last week has been absolutely draining, and I'm not sure how much energy I have left to put forth in a positive direction...

Friday evening I was at home, watching a movie on my laptop. I had just finished eating some chicken noodle soup and an avocado and was bored, moping that no one had invited me out for the night. My boyfriend was on a plane headed to Sundance, and my close girlfriends were in Vegas for the weekend. Around 9 pm I started feeling strange; a little dizzy, restless, and anxious. The feeling progressed over the next hour, bringing me to such a frightened state that I called 911. My heart was palpitating, my extremities numb and cold, shortness of breath, clammy... Textbook heart attack. And I felt like I was going to die. I have huge anxiety when it comes to hospitals, so the fact that I managed to call an ambulance is amazing to me. Upon arrival, they checked my heart and blood and immediately discovered that my blood sugar was a shocking 36. They were surprised I was even conscious. I was given an IV and injected with basically straight sugar, and tried to calm myself down knowing it wasn't a heart attack - it was a panic attack. Something I'd never experienced before. It was all new and fresh and unpredictable, and also something I was taking on with only the company of strangers. I felt remarkably lonely knowing I had no one to rush to aid me except the paramedics. It was a hard weekend, having no one around. My boyfriend was practically non-responsive throughout all of it... But I don't blame him. My depression has made itself known full force and it's not a pretty sight.

I got my eviction notice today. We've been together for almost a year and instead of asking me to live with him, or hell, even offering a temporary place to stay, he's distanced himself from me and I feel it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to be strong.. I really am. It's not like I want to be this way.
 
Why was your blood sugar so low?

When you say 'evicted' are you talking about from the relationship or from both the relationship and his house?
 
I'm giving up....... On trying to kill myself. I can't no matter how hard I try I defy the laws of nature physics science logic and medicine. So I guess I better get used to living life. Especially now that for the first time in my life I'm at my record for no opiates, I cold turkeyd and still at 15 days I'm feeling just as sick as day 3. I took opiates for half of my life. Guess that's why. No more needles either.
 
Tricomb

I had no idea you were quitting too man

I am proud of you

Stay strong brother. You'll be happier in about a month. Things aren't normal for me yet but I am glad I made it this far. I know we both deserve to be without opiates.

And I know you have a medicinal use for them I am sure, so it is unfair we live in pain but I am sure you will be happier one day too.

You can PM me if you'd like.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Tricomb

I had no idea you were quitting too man

I am proud of you

Stay strong brother. You'll be happier in about a month. Things aren't normal for me yet but I am glad I made it this far. I know we both deserve to be without opiates.

And I know you have a medicinal use for them I am sure, so it is unfair we live in pain but I am sure you will be happier one day too.

You can PM me if you'd like.
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yep chronic pain is back full force probably hyperalgesic as well. I feel as sick as I did the first few days. Nothing seems to be getting better. I'm so bipolar it's insane rapid cycling I feel like I'm going through menopause and like I drank bleach.
Thanks for the support and I'm so happy for you too. 41 days is incredible. Half my live I've been opiated. My longest time without was 10 days. Now I'm at 15/16 I don't even remember the exact date I quit but still the longest without pain killers since I can remember. I don't know what it means to live life sober. I never have experienced it.
 
You are already a stronger person for doing so well without them man. Imagine how when you lift weights it is sore the next day: our brains are sore and have done a lot of working out. The pain of withdrawal will go away though.
 
tricomb said:
I'm giving up....... On trying to kill myself. I can't no matter how hard I try I defy the laws of nature physics science logic and medicine. So I guess I better get used to living life. Especially now that for the first time in my life I'm at my record for no opiates, I cold turkeyd and still at 15 days I'm feeling just as sick as day 3. I took opiates for half of my life. Guess that's why. No more needles either.
Click to expand...

I'm really happy to hear you're moving in a positive direction, despite what you are gong through. Quitting both opiates and the needle cold turkey is serious. Congratulations man, I know it might suck now but just stick with it. Everything will even out <3.
 
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