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The Suicide Support Thread

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I'd like to share my story and warn those of you, who are rather of unstable mind, like me.

I, with 2 of my mates, have ordered some RC's - N-ethylobuphedrone, MXE, AB-FUBINACA and etizolam.
A mate came from my hometown (I'm studying in another city) and I hosted him, along with another mate. They planned to take MXE and AB (I've taken AB before, but not MXE) and I wanted to just try etizolam.

Yeah, dosage... I took too much and blacked out. I can remember some things that happened, like - trying to smoke AB from my finger (yes. heating up a fingernail and inhaling the vapor from my fingertip), snorting MXE, trying to go for a walk, dragging a mate out of my flatmates' room and taking their mayonnaise jar from him...

The next day, the other mate went back to his place and the one which I hosted lied down and slept. So I took some etizolam. BLACKOUT. Heating up foil on the stove (burning my eyebrows and eyelashes), breaking down a pen just to have an MXE snorting pipe. All the ink on my legs. Around 6 pm a flatmate came in, woke me up and shouted at me. I remember only two words: trust and mayonnaise (lol).
It was quite distressing for me so I, still under disinhibiting influence of etizolam, broke a glass and cut myself (quite a deep wound on my left hand).

Monday was the next day. Late in the evening I came up with a beautiful idea to try etizolam once again. This time I filled the whole cup with water so the dosage could be easier. With every sip from my syringe, I felt more and more depressed and thoughts about suicide came to my head. I've experienced suicidal ideation many times before, but never really tried to kill myself.
But this time I was armed with ~20mg of etizolam, ~20mg of AB-FUBINACA, ~90mg of n-ethylobuphedrone, 10 acetaminophen pills and 8 ibuprofen pills (MXE was gone... flatmates took it, I guess, I mean, took it away from me, not snorted, haha).
How great is this etizolam - all my anxiety was non-existent, all my inhibitions faded away. So in the course of few hours I have said goodbye to my mates and friends. One of them called police, which came to my parents' home and some other policemen were coming to my flat. So in a desperate way to end my life before police/paramedics arrived, I took everything I had, blocked the door with some furniture and cut myself with broken glass.

The next thing I remember was when I woke up in the hospital.
Later I was taken to a mental ward. Luckily, in two days I'm leaving the hospital.
I had some exams and will have more when I leave this place, but I don't think I am sufficiently prepared to them. Also, I failed to complete some other tasks I was given.

Sorry, if it's not a right place to share this story. Also, excuse my influent English. I just wanted to warn those of you who are emotionally unstable, fucked up like me, because things can go quite unexpected when you lose your inhibitions...

Crap...what have I done...
 
Heck mate, that sounds terrible. I hope that you recover swiftly and that your friends don't write you of.
Also that you are able to make peace with yourself. All the best.
 
Recover? Met some nice and funny people there and on the next day everything was 'okay' again. At the moment my mood is bad, but it's rather an exception. But regardless of my mood, I will keep on failing in my life.
Flatmates will kick me out from the flat (they rent it from someone and I rent a room from them) in 3 weeks. Fortunately I know a person, with whom I would rent a new flat.
My friends are rather supportive.
 
I agree with SH - tricomb; what we went through and are going through is much more challenging than just one or the other. I am doing my best to reprogram how my mind is thinking about things. It's a constant struggle, even as it gradually gets easier.

I hope everyone is doing well. And I will clear up some inbox space.
 
for everyone thinking about killing themselves i'm sorry you feel that way but you have to think about all the people you will hurt if you go through with it even if you feel like no one loves you enough to care they do but i understand wanting to i was suddenly a single parent and tried to kill myself even though i had my son to think about i didn't want to live but before i ended up actually making it work and actually dieing i regained my composure and thought about my son and how much being for them meant to me which was enough to make me want to live not just for him but for me
 
suicide been in my head but the taste of chicken and the sound of music keep me from being stupid and doing stupid things
 
I don't even remember posting that?,,, Fucking hell I need to see a shrink or something.
 
most days i realy dont know why i bother, i know my lives pretty much worthless. i think tonight im going to go drink alot of bourbon and contemplate jumping off a cliff
 
I'm so over life. I don't ever see myself getting better.

The sad part is that I'm suicidal but my anxiety is so high that I wouldn't even make it upstairs to jump off the building.

That's just adding even more to my depression. Fuck this.
 
ended up drinking myself unconsious abd going to the hospital again, at least they didnt call the cops on me again. I hate my life and the drinking just makes things worst but i keep on doing it, I realy just need to get back on dope. heroin never got me in this much trouble
 
no not realy, i was suicidal before i started drinking, but after i started my life keeps on getting worse. i keep telling myslef im tired of it but for some reason im scared to stop
 
I feel you. So I am not clear so let me ask - were you suicidal after quitting heroin? And you started to drink after that? Or am I mistaken?

Either way I am sure you're a lovely person GK; I know you will do well when you get the help you need.

Have you gone to a therapist/psychiatrist ?
 
ive been suicidal as long as i can remember, its when i get realy bad on alcohol that i actualy try and follow through, asides from self-mutilation. which i tend to do more when im sober. when i was on heroin i was happy for the most part, drinking has just fucked up life, ive been to therapists but unless im drunk or high i either wont talk to them or just lie. I dont know why i keep on sabatoging myself, sometimes i think i dont think im capable of being happy
 
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