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The Suicide Support Thread

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^ you have to put yourself as #1. This involves taking mental care of yourself. I don't think it's mentally healthy for you to watch over a dying family member. Just what I am saying.

I know for myself, I can't watch over a loved one dying. It's going to mentally destroy me. I know this from prior experience. I put myself as #1 in my life and so I take care of myself before anyone or anything else.
 
The Captain is right. Even though he may need you, this is an incredibly traumatic time for you too and you should take care of yourself so that you can take better care of him.

Watching loved ones deteriorate destroys you IME. It's such a hard thing to do
 
I just..... Lost it. Rage blackout no idea what happened or how I got here this was horrifying and one of the nights ill spend years blocking out. I had to tell someone since everyone is asleep. I sometimes feel like if there is a higher power that it gets off on watching me fucking suffer and suffocate myself choking on tears that don't stop literally they'll just keep going like to the point I have to seriously worry about hydration. I wish today never existed and that I had been a man when it made a difference but I chose drugs and they're clearly the solution to life's problems. Fucking HATE PTSD BLACKOUTS just like "snapped to" in the fucking middle of the street bleeding. So yeah. I wouldn't be so mad. But It's like I got stuck with holy dust and a shitload like the PCP poster child and I don't even enjoy dissociatives. I wish I could fuckkking REMEMBER what I was doing the past 5 hours, I'm chainsmoking listening to the police scanner praying for nothing that would match my behavior. Or any clues, but nope. No ones called dispatch about it so I just fucking really hope everything is going to be okay and that the couple humans alive who have earned my trust help me when they wake up, I'm deliberately avoiding a part of the property where all my shit is stashed where I'm nowhere near stable enough to be around such insanity. I'm just so scared and still am having an extended panic attack SO hypervigilant and worried because this type of severe rage blackout only happens after something fucking BAD went down and last I remember I was just talking to a friend with the seats reclined in the Denali smoking a lot of carcinogens. I can't shake the feeling that someone isn't safe right now we that I don't know any clue who it could be, I got no text records or calls on any of my burners cellies or pagers. So I'm wondering if some thug wanted to play rough and tried to jack me or something. Replayed the CCTV records and it just shows me leave and return like a sleep walker almost. It was like I was barely sane and I'm finding track marks which had me lose it completely and come
Here to post just whatever the fuck I've written because the track marks are NOT OKAY. I'm not okay. I think I should like disappear for a few days off the Grid but I can't because I need to figure out what happened tonight. Usually the next day I have better recall....

So yeah I'm grateful I wasn't 5150d but I feel like I don't deserve to live anymore. Without my ex I am sorry I just. Do not see a place for me here anymore. I'm already dead to her. Might we well give her the one thing I know I can do and would do In a heartbeat if it weren't completely insane for a soulmate to ask you to kill yourself.

Usually haloperidol works a lot better by now but I'm still hyperventilating and got a BP In the 300s that's a personal record I need to relax I'm starting to panic I'm gunnna stroke out. But I'm going out for more smoking and to calm down the best way I know, staring into the flames of a fire pit or just chilling around a BBQ or 55 gallon drum like they do in the streets in the winter.

Please higher power. You know what could make this all go away. And you know I know your not going to grant me that request.... Urgh I need to fucking scream sorry everyone I really needed to vent a bit or Id have exploded like an dumbass (who's dumb enough to synth using this method) bottle of "shake n bake" and like smoke while they're handling highly explosive and volatile gasses and solvents and catalysts. Weird analogy but if anyone's seen it done then I think it's the perfect metaphor for me, the bottle that needed to be vented 60 seconds ago and it's a ticking time bomb.
 
Tricomb hun I know you are having such a hard time in life and I totally sympathize but it is not up to the higher power to make you feel better, it is up to you. You can change your life around you just have to keep fighting and make it happen. Every one of us has pains but how are you going to see the beauty of life if you always focus on the negativity? There will always he pains and struggles but that is part of life.

I know you miss your girl but why do you keep on bringing her up or even thinking about someone who doesn't care for you anymore? Your life is not up to her, it is up to you you can't keep living your life for someone as your life should not revolve around someone else. Please hun do yourself a favor and get your life together. Your body has already suffered too much so its time to take care of it!
 
tricomb said:
I just..... Lost it. Rage blackout no idea what happened or how I got here this was horrifying and one of the nights ill spend years blocking out. I had to tell someone since everyone is asleep. I sometimes feel like if there is a higher power that it gets off on watching me fucking suffer and suffocate myself choking on tears that don't stop literally they'll just keep going like to the point I have to seriously worry about hydration. I wish today never existed and that I had been a man when it made a difference but I chose drugs and they're clearly the solution to life's problems. Fucking HATE PTSD BLACKOUTS just like "snapped to" in the fucking middle of the street bleeding. So yeah. I wouldn't be so mad. But It's like I got stuck with holy dust and a shitload like the PCP poster child and I don't even enjoy dissociatives. I wish I could fuckkking REMEMBER what I was doing the past 5 hours, I'm chainsmoking listening to the police scanner praying for nothing that would match my behavior. Or any clues, but nope. No ones called dispatch about it so I just fucking really hope everything is going to be okay and that the couple humans alive who have earned my trust help me when they wake up, I'm deliberately avoiding a part of the property where all my shit is stashed where I'm nowhere near stable enough to be around such insanity. I'm just so scared and still am having an extended panic attack SO hypervigilant and worried because this type of severe rage blackout only happens after something fucking BAD went down and last I remember I was just talking to a friend with the seats reclined in the Denali smoking a lot of carcinogens. I can't shake the feeling that someone isn't safe right now we that I don't know any clue who it could be, I got no text records or calls on any of my burners cellies or pagers. So I'm wondering if some thug wanted to play rough and tried to jack me or something. Replayed the CCTV records and it just shows me leave and return like a sleep walker almost. It was like I was barely sane and I'm finding track marks which had me lose it completely and come
Here to post just whatever the fuck I've written because the track marks are NOT OKAY. I'm not okay. I think I should like disappear for a few days off the Grid but I can't because I need to figure out what happened tonight. Usually the next day I have better recall....

So yeah I'm grateful I wasn't 5150d but I feel like I don't deserve to live anymore. Without my ex I am sorry I just. Do not see a place for me here anymore. I'm already dead to her. Might we well give her the one thing I know I can do and would do In a heartbeat if it weren't completely insane for a soulmate to ask you to kill yourself.

Usually haloperidol works a lot better by now but I'm still hyperventilating and got a BP In the 300s that's a personal record I need to relax I'm starting to panic I'm gunnna stroke out. But I'm going out for more smoking and to calm down the best way I know, staring into the flames of a fire pit or just chilling around a BBQ or 55 gallon drum like they do in the streets in the winter.

Please higher power. You know what could make this all go away. And you know I know your not going to grant me that request.... Urgh I need to fucking scream sorry everyone I really needed to vent a bit or Id have exploded like an dumbass (who's dumb enough to synth using this method) bottle of "shake n bake" and like smoke while they're handling highly explosive and volatile gasses and solvents and catalysts. Weird analogy but if anyone's seen it done then I think it's the perfect metaphor for me, the bottle that needed to be vented 60 seconds ago and it's a ticking time bomb.
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Tricomb bud <3, did you take anything stimulating that could possibly be causing psychosis? You sound very pains stricken and paranoid? I know it's difficult to calm yourself down in a panicked state such as this but try to relax, nothing is going to hurt you, you are safe at your house, right? <3 Also what do you mean by track marks appearing?
 
tricomb so glad you came. Heed others' words: Get some rest and also some food in you and let's help you tackle this with a mind that's firing on all cylinders, aye?

Captain.Heroin said:
I think Tricomb is an amazing guy and I have a lot of empathy for his situation. It's never fun to come to out of a black out.
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Great words, these... <3

It's been a few days. Where are you at right now?
 
I rarely have slept more often than every 3-7 days for the last 5 months or so.... It doesn't matter whether I take stimulants, I still never sleep and when I do it is usually only with antipsychotics and extremely high doses of benzodiazepines, even had to use Seconal for a short while. But I wasn't in meth psychosis...... Unlike what everyone first assumes, Ive told multiple people about my rage blackouts that happen as a result of the anuse I endured as a child adolescent and teenager, I only get these blackouts when someone is in danger of being abused I just cannot handle how helpless I must have felt which likely triggered the blackout. If we're friends your probably aware of my rage blackouts to an extent.


Captain.Heroin said:
^ I think he doesn't remember recent IV use and he is very troubled by not remembering.

I think Tricomb is an amazing guy and I have a lot of empathy for his situation. It's never fun to come to out of a black out.
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This. And back at you CH.

I'm pretty sure witnessing the rape and being frozen because I knew engaging would mean my life or my freedom. Ended up calling in welfare checks to dispatch for both neighbors. I waited and waited for dispatch to send units out here but the response time already is horrible let alone coming out here, cops never show up for any calls without at least one unit for backup. I must have hid and snuck inside my house it/when they came. I think I might have thrown a heavy rock at the car to stop the animal from forcing himself on the unconscious body it was very hard to tell in the black of night despite my being famous for my impeccable vision especially at night....

And yeah I must have shot up at least six times counting trackmarks.... And just did again a few hours ago. Recent life events have had me isolating myself further and further and the people I used to be able to count on arent there for me right now. I wish I knew what it felt like to be happy without having a narcotic to thank for it. Every day I wake up to some sort of sense of impending doom that eventually turns real.
 
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Maya said:
Tricomb hun I know you are having such a hard time in life and I totally sympathize but it is not up to the higher power to make you feel better, it is up to you. You can change your life around you just have to keep fighting and make it happen. Every one of us has pains but how are you going to see the beauty of life if you always focus on the negativity? There will always he pains and struggles but that is part of life.

I know you miss your girl but why do you keep on bringing her up or even thinking about someone who doesn't care for you anymore? Your life is not up to her, it is up to you you can't keep living your life for someone as your life should not revolve around someone else. Please hun do yourself a favor and get your life together. Your body has already suffered too much so its time to take care of it!
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sounds like me, my ex hates me and blocked me out of her life because of the way i was, thats what makes it bad for me, the regret, because she was happy with me and her family and freinds were saying i was the best bf she had, but i overthought things and said things i shoudnt and the happinness i had in the past is making me depressed because mentally i cannot let go,
but the main reason im posting here is because past few days when im driving and i see a lorry i think how easy it would be to end it all just with one turn of the eheel, or take valium and drink and slowly sleep to a peacefull death,
im not thinking off acting on these thoughts but im asking why are the thoughts there? and can they manifest into something worse? ive been on zoloft for 2 weeks 50mg if that helps .
 
tricomb said:
I rarely have slept more often than every 3-7 days for the last 5 months or so.... It doesn't matter whether I take stimulants, I still never sleep and when I do it is usually only with antipsychotics and extremely high doses of benzodiazepines, even had to use Seconal for a short while. But I wasn't in meth psychosis...... Unlike what everyone first assumes, Ive told multiple people about my rage blackouts that happen as a result of the anuse I endured as a child adolescent and teenager, I only get these blackouts when someone is in danger of being abused I just cannot handle how helpless I must have felt which likely triggered the blackout. If we're friends your probably aware of my rage blackouts to an extent.




This. And back at you CH.

I'm pretty sure witnessing the rape and being frozen because I knew engaging would mean my life or my freedom. Ended up calling in welfare checks to dispatch for both neighbors. I waited and waited for dispatch to send units out here but the response time already is horrible let alone coming out here, cops never show up for any calls without at least one unit for backup. I must have hid and snuck inside my house it/when they came. I think I might have thrown a heavy rock at the car to stop the animal from forcing himself on the unconscious body it was very hard to tell in the black of night despite my being famous for my impeccable vision especially at night....

And yeah I must have shot up at least six times counting trackmarks.... And just did again a few hours ago. Recent life events have had me isolating myself further and further and the people I used to be able to count on arent there for me right now. I wish I knew what it felt like to be happy without having a narcotic to thank for it. Every day I wake up to some sort of sense of impending doom that eventually turns real.
Click to expand...

Tric <3 yes I know your story and it's an awful one. You too know mine and know I can relate to some extent but not fully. I believe you but I really think it would be in your best interest to get rid of the syringes (that way when you do black out you won't be shooting), and get rid of the drugs. Do it just for this time being man, until you can calm down. I'm always available to chat. You know I'm here, I know your story it's not like you have to retell it to me <3. I'm just here for you when you need to talk. PM me and I will come on AIM if you'd like.

Please try to work on throwing out the syringes/breaking them, and getting rid of the drugs. Please bud <3.
 
<3 Tricomb.. hope you're doing better.

me... I think I'm about to play the choking game a bit and hope I wake up somewhere else because I'm tired of this shit. every fucking day.. argh.. so many beautiful girls out there but my stupid as is hung up on this one.. I can't let the fucking bitch go.

lonely, broke, jobless and I just want to sleep for the rest of eternity. I feel like I lived my life extraordinarily fast and now I'm on the decline. I've had more crazy experiences than average people have in 70 years. Ups and downs, wild nights of nonstop party til the sun comes up shit. But I just don't see a future for me. It's like there's nothing left for me to do than reach my final destination. I'm ready for RIP. Good night :(
 
I'm at the fucking end of my tether, I'm so tired of always being bullied wherever the fuck I go in life.

The sad dawning realization is no one is ever gonna understand what I've been through and how that's made me what I am today, fuckkng can't stop crying typing this I haven't cried in months this is fuckrd no one is ever gonna get it and I can't get over that

All my friends seem to hate me. Everyone in every fucking different friendship group seems to fucking hate me.

I'm not a drug addict, only ever touch marijuana, never H, typical middle class 20 year old, crazy but loving family life for my childhood. Not up myself but considering by social standards re: beauty in the 21st century I would be considered attractive.

I'm always polite and respect in other peoples homes, wherever I always help a friend out, but sooner or later that friend will always fuck me over. This has happened to hundreds of 'friends' I've made in my life, usually because I become the one no one wants to hang with, only ever call me to use me in some way.

All were nice on the surface to me but even tonight fuck catching up with friends from high school actual great mates, tonight were all bagging the fuck out of me in a bitchy and snide way, when I call them out on it they pretend that nothing happened or "don't worry".

These people are fucking wolves. I literally cannot think of a 'friend' that has not fucked me over financially/emotionally.

The obvious answer would be to ditch those people and find new ones. Fucking difficult and impossible, Melbourne is full of mean, rude and arrogant people.

I'm moving interstate in a month... I just needed a place to vent because I'm so fucking tired of always being bullied wherever the fuck I go in my life. I don't wanna be the cunt that everyone laughs at anymore because I'm done feeling like I've got the problem and I should just sit in the corner for the rest of my life.


I've gone through way fucking too much and the only thing that has kept me from stopping from doing anything serious is because I've lost 5 friends to suicide in the last 2 years. Few were very close to me and didn't deserve to die.

Those people would fucking love to see me die, gather the fucking likes on Facebook and showboat at my funeral like EVERY FUCKING TEENAGER DOES IN MELBOURNE, then move on with their lives and pretend how such good mates we were.

I'm gonna move, start fresh, become Joe Citizen 9-5 desk job again and keep to my fucking self.

I will live through this night, wake up tomorrow and tell these fucking gronks where to shove it.

Why the fuck should I die.

Fuck em.


Severely etarded I really hope your all good in the hood :(
 
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^good! You tell them!

The only thing I regret when I was in high school was not fightin back earlier against my bullies. I did try to fight back but it was already a few days away from graduation. I hated high school I hated those bitches but hey it made me strong so in a way there's somethin positive from that experience
 
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