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The Suicide Support Thread

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Smoky said:
CH,
I'm so sorry you are suffering so much… I went through few weeks of truly not being able to grasp reality. I felt like I was living in another dimension on earth and everything that I used to know as me in my body moving through the world was gone. It was awful ... like I couldn't reach myself. I wanted to die.

All of this is gone now. It does get better. It took a while, I still get a little dissociated, but I don't live in constant panic anymore. And yeah, there was no cause I could point out when It came on. Truly terrifying and it was just heroin, not subs which can be longer so I can't say I went through what you're going through but it was hell for me regardless.

I once read with subs or methadone it can take 35 days to reach homeostasis and start feeling like oneself. Of course this may vary from person to person. I don't know I just see you in so much pain from your posts. I am keeping you in my thoughts… and sending good vibes and healing energy your way.

~ Smoky :) <3
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Thanks smoky <3

I try so hard to be happy and it kills me to have these thoughts

I am so glad you got through it - I hope I begin feeling better soon
 
Uhmm

I am now withdrawing from the benzos as well as the synthetics.. I've never been so cold and miserable in my life..
I think my wrist is inflamed, it started yesterday I think (can't keep track of days) and the pain was unbearable. I hit my finger with a hammer as hard as I had the balls to, and the wrist pain was gone (I've read about it; the brain only recognizes the most serious (or was it most recent) source of pain). After that I cried of physical pain due to the finger and my life situation for a while. I guess in a way I wanted to punish myself, I don't know..
I don't know.. I'm a bad writer. I want to write my thoughts here but when I do I only say stupid shit. I feel absolutely worthless; you guys have known each other for a long time and have been through a lot as a community, I'm just the new guy who came here to whine. I don't deserve my friends, or family, or anything.

Every single day I wonder, why me? From the point of biology, there were millions of sperm that could've impregnated my mother, they would probably have grown to be great guys/gals. Geniouses, funny people, liked by everybody. But it had to be that one sperm that one day became me. A worthless, addicted fuck.

I know my parents love me, and I hate that fact. I don't deserve their, or anyone's, caring, much less love. I was at my parents' a few days ago and went totally nuts. First I was calm, chatting happily with my father which even made the wd's easier. The next minute I couldn't control myself, I was throwing and breaking stuff, I went through the whole place and ripped away every picture of me, and everything I've made as a kid (those little school projects etc.), and broke and burned all of them.
I was pacing around the place 100 miles an hour, yelling, kicking, hitting, going totally crazy. When my mother came home, she was absolutely devastated and we fought for hours. I was yelling so hard she was actually scared of me, but I couldn't feel any remorse whatsoever. In the end she locked herself in a room and just cried and cried, but still I didn't feel any remorse. She said that she can't take it anymore, that she'll kill herself (she's said that before, she doesn't mean it but it always scares me and my father). In the end she kicked me out and said that I am never again welcome there.
So here I am, in my home, depressed and hungry and trying not to slit my wrists.. the only thing keeping me from doing that right now is that I'm afraid my mother would kill herself too. And whether or not she would, it would hurt my parents too much.
I've been thinking about ways to cut the connection with my family forever so I could finally free myself. Do I have to move to another country? Do I have to do something so bad that they won't love me?

They're great parents but all I do is cause pain to them. The ambulance trip a little while ago (I can't remember if I told you about it, but nothing serious) costs something I can't afford, and my father insisted that he'll pay for it. But that would only be one more bad thing I've caused to my parents.
--

I now have only four benzos left, I've been trying to take only halves or quarters, and as few a day as possible, but I want to take at least one so I could be in peace and stop crying for a little while. I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself. I hate EVERYTHING about myself. I can't draw, I can't get/keep a job, I suck as a friend because I'm high all the time (as told to me by all of my friends), I'm a fucking idiot. I just can not keep on going. :(


Look at this, again, I don't remember what I was supposed to write but this sure as shit wasn't it, so I've just written another stupid, pointless message. Well, I guess I'll post it anyway. Sorry for wasting space.
 
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Yesterday I sensed I would sleep well for the first time in a while

The dreams I had were really intense and disturbing

I am having a lot of suicidal thoughts and ideas as a result

I didn't think that I would start having nightmares again

I hope it was just a once off night and I can get peaceful sleep again soon
 
Captain Heroin, I really do feel bad for you, I feel bad that I don't know you at all so I don't know what to say to help you. Thank you for replying to my posts earlier.
--

It feels like every day I wake up things are even worse than before. Most of my thoughts are now reserved for planning how to kill myself with causing as little emotional trauma for my family as possible.

I was writing a story about how "much" my friends care about each other.. in essence I'm the only one of a small group of friends (four in total) who's noticed that nobody's been able to reach one of them in four days. Four - fucking - days. I try to ask in the group chat whether they know anything about him but nobody ever answers.
I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT THE MISSING PERSON HAS DONE ANYTHING TO HIMSELF, WHATSOEVER, but I just wonder, when the day comes that I finally have the balls to end it for myself, is it gonna be like that? Won't some of my oldest and supposed-to-be dearest friends notice? How long until they will notice? A week? Two?

When/IF they even do, how long will they think about it? I can't find it in me to believe that time to be any longer than a single week.


Thank you, Captain.Heroin. And thank you, Erikmen. And thank you, keyed.
Thank you all for answering my posts and being supportive. For the few moments I spent reading the replies you took the time to write me, I felt something positive

-- EDIT
I think I got it. It's not that my friends wouldn't have noticed the missing one. Probably it's just the missing "friend" having blocked me. How could I be so stupid..
Well, what a great way to end the day. Realizing that the most likely situation is that the friend I always thought was kind of my last straw, is probably the ONLY one who hates me enough to, in the electronical age, practically block my existence.
Thank you, life. Thank you. I'm just gonna.. whatever
 
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LeeviON said:
Captain Heroin, I really do feel bad for you, I feel bad that I don't know you at all so I don't know what to say to help you. Thank you for replying to my posts earlier.
--

It feels like every day I wake up things are even worse than before. Most of my thoughts are now reserved for planning how to kill myself with causing as little emotional trauma for my family as possible.

I was writing a story about how "much" my friends care about each other.. in essence I'm the only one of a small group of friends (four in total) who's noticed that nobody's been able to reach one of them in four days. Four - fucking - days. I try to ask in the group chat whether they know anything about him but nobody ever answers.
I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT THE MISSING PERSON HAS DONE ANYTHING TO HIMSELF, WHATSOEVER, but I just wonder, when the day comes that I finally have the balls to end it for myself, is it gonna be like that? Won't some of my oldest and supposed-to-be dearest friends notice? How long until they will notice? A week? Two?

When/IF they even do, how long will they think about it? I can't find it in me to believe that time to be any longer than a single week.



Thank you, Captain.Heroin. And thank you, Erikmen. And thank you, keyed.
Thank you all for answering my posts and being supportive. For the few moments I spent reading the replies you took the time to write me, I felt something positive.
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Thanks man

I appreciate the kind words.

I have been having thoughts for the majority of today and they are bothering me. The more I do the worse they get. I can't just sit around all day to feel better. I don't know what I am doing wrong. It feels so bad to keep trying and have nothing work.
 
I'm surrounding all of you, Captain, LeeviON, foolsgold, with love. I'm sorry for your hopelessness and your exhaustion. I wish there were words that could make things better.<3
 
I think about ending it all quite a bit, im unemployed since I left school 15 years ago, have clinical depression, GAD, am a hopeless addict and am just so bored with life. Its hard getting through the day. Ill probably just buy a 12 pack of beer, smoke some weed and take my mind off this shitty existence for the day. But then im back to square 1 tomorrow, its a never ending cycle of mind numbing, spirit crushing days
 
^It is scary to stop numbing the mind but you are right about the cycle never ending if you continue. The horrendous thing about addiction and mental illness is that hopelessness becomes the lead weight that holds it all in place and then so much in life actually does fall apart. At the worst and most hopeless times in my life writing has given me something to hold onto--reading other people's words about their reality and trying to put my own down in words. Have you ever tried writing as a regular part of your day? just getting a pen and a piece of paper or your keyboard and letting whatever comes out, come out without censure? It can be a way to feed a spirit when everything else in life is eating it away.<3
 
I'm so sorry to hear everyone is struggling so much. I am a little still, but not where I was. I am not you or going through the exact same thing nor exact circumstance, but was in a similar place 3 months ago and also back in my 20's. Sometimes when things completely fall apart they have a way of falling back together.

For me when I truly accepted I was going to die… as I thought there was no way out… things began to take a turn… for the better as painful as it was…. it took time and still is but I don't want to kill myself anymore. Up to that point I was thinking of ways to do so. Like driving my car over the freeway ramp, or jumping off the bridge. I didn't want to overdose as I didn't want to be found in my bed. I even started getting rid of all my stuff in my apartment so family/friends wouldn't see it nor have to shift through my crap. I cannot believe I am still here, but I am… sometimes it all seems like a dream. The notes I wrote during that time seem like another person wrote them… It's baffling at times.
 
I got a benzo w/d plan.. whee

I actually wrote this message because I'm high on weed, the benzo (not really high from this since it's a low dose), AB-CHMINACA, of which I should share some information.. where can I do that?.. damnit lost the.. the.. thingy.. sentence.. whatever my native language's not English.. what I meant to say is that I suddenly got a realization, that when I die, I want pure diacetylmorphine HCl (okay, otherwise known as heroin), in an IV solution (dissolved in enough purified water to fill a syringe), and someone give it to me. I'd want to enjoy it.. hmm, a constant IV drip would be great.. and I'd enjoy it, and when I fall asleep, someone'd give me high enough dose of IV heroin to stop my heart. It would be perfect..
I've tried #4 heroin, around 40% purity, nasally. I still think it was the best feeling I've ever had. Yes, I've had sex. Yes, heroin was better. The heroin experience happened when I was a teenager (14-15).


So yeah.. it would be perfect!
 
herbavore said:
^It is scary to stop numbing the mind but you are right about the cycle never ending if you continue. The horrendous thing about addiction and mental illness is that hopelessness becomes the lead weight that holds it all in place and then so much in life actually does fall apart. At the worst and most hopeless times in my life writing has given me something to hold onto--reading other people's words about their reality and trying to put my own down in words. Have you ever tried writing as a regular part of your day? just getting a pen and a piece of paper or your keyboard and letting whatever comes out, come out without censure? It can be a way to feed a spirit when everything else in life is eating it away.<3
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I was told by a few NA members when I used to go to start writing bout my life and feelings. It diddnt really help though. I think the only thing that truely makes me happy is heroin, yet im so broke I cant even afford that. Ive been off it nearly 8 weeks bar 1 small bag so maybe its just the PAWS making me feel so shit. Somehow I doubt it though, I wasnt happy even before I got on drugs many moons ago.
 
^Heroin rarely ever makes a user OD till they pass out and die. Ive done HUGE amounts yet im still here, ive passed out a fair few times though
 
been 4447 days
or
12 years, 2months, 3 days since I was a member of society.
9/26/2002 I went to work, played basketball, fucked my girlfriend, chilled with my friend came home and went to sleep. The next day, 9/27 I woke up early before work to lift weights and I tore my aorta.

I am still confident that I will turn things around and earn money (really the limiting factor in respect, inclusion, sex, etc...). I have to have another heart surgery soon, but I believe 100% that I will be doing well financially soon enough. I study every day.

2 years from now is November 30 2016 - will be 5178 days. I think that if things aren't better by then it may be time to leave. No specific date or anything, just a ballpark figure.
 
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