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The Suicide Support Thread

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Part of me desperately wants to end it, but the other part says I can't, my mom would be devastated.

I remember reading what herbavore wrote somewhere on this forum and I thought "if I killed myself, how could I put my mom through that? Of all the people in my life, she's been so nice to me, and that's how I repay her??" It's even hard to give her a hug or tell her "I love you" without tearing up...

Sometimes I just get so down on myself and feel like I'm such a disappointment to her ...
 
Hey miscbrahh, I know that your mom thinks more about your happiness and well being than about your success or failure. I doubt that she is disappointed in you, probably just feels fearful and helpless but she's your mom and she is in your corner. Let her know why you feel like tearing up when you hug her and let her know how fragile you are feeling right now. It's so hard to not get down on yourself (for any of us!) but one thing about that thinking is that it tends to feed on the initial self doubt and become stronger and stronger until it becomes out and out self hatred. Then there is the tendency to think others see you the same way you see yourself and that is usually not the case. Especially with mothers. I'm available if you ever want to talk. Just PM me.<3
 
herbavore said:
Hey miscbrahh, I know that your mom thinks more about your happiness and well being than about your success or failure. I doubt that she is disappointed in you, probably just feels fearful and helpless but she's your mom and she is in your corner. Let her know why you feel like tearing up when you hug her and let her know how fragile you are feeling right now. It's so hard to not get down on yourself (for any of us!) but one thing about that thinking is that it tends to feed on the initial self doubt and become stronger and stronger until it becomes out and out self hatred. Then there is the tendency to think others see you the same way you see yourself and that is usually not the case. Especially with mothers. I'm available if you ever want to talk. Just PM me.<3
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Herbavore,
Thanks for the reply, it really means a lot to me. I'll probably end up sending you a PM soon, you brought up a lot of good points
 
Guys, I know it's a shitty life, but hang in there. It always gets the darkest before the dawn.


Take control and don't give up! Fight for your life. Fight people.
 
I admit, I have in fact been playing around with the idea of it.

Who knows, Maybe.

I might check in tomorrow. I'll have to give a ten day notice or something first, right?
 
It does get better..
For me, it might not be what I wanted or expected - but sometimes this is just what I need… To go through right now.
How could it be any other way? Just accepting and rolling with it and doing my best day by day.
The thoughts sometimes come … if I were to still leave this island, but I am not making plans anymore. This desire has been lifted, and I was in HELL.

Yes, don't give up… can let go of life later, when it's time to actually go home. I'm choosing not to check out early as hard as it may be. There just might be something unknown … down the road in time I cannot see now.
 
Fuck everything

I just vaped 15mg of white, crystal DMT. After the plateau, I was happy. Really happy. I was smiling, thinking all kinds of positive thoughts and so on, and feeling absolutely euphoric.

Now, because of the benzos, the only thing I can remember is what I said I felt after the plateau. Nothing else. I can't remember the experience. I can't remember a single happy thought I was thinking
When I talk to my friends or parents, and ask a question, by the time they've answered it, I can't remember what the question was anymore.
All in all, when anything happens to me, I can't remember it twenty seconds later. It's gone. What kind of life is that?

Yesterday my parents said I wasn't welcome there anymore because I'm a drug user in general. They don't know what I use, they seriously don't know the difference between weed and heroin. All they think is, "a drug's a drug and our son uses drugs, therefore his life is ruined and he is not worthy of us". Later I called them, not high on anything at all, and asked if I could come home, get some food (they knew I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours because I couldn't afford food), and leave.
They of course denied the request, reminding me about their unconditional love by once again saying that I am not welcome there.
That's a week after I've quit synthetics, gone on a benzo w/d program, and on the very same day they've seen me, functional as I can be right now (so not high or anything). How does one, after seeing a normal-looking, calm person whose life has just hopefully taken a turn for the better, think that that person is so evil/whatever that he will never again be welcome to one's home? Especially when that person is their biological son?
So yeah, gee, thanks. Thanks a bunch, parents.

EDIT:
Every single time I've been to my parents in the last few months, it's always ended in my mom crying and my dad trying to calm everyone down. Usually because I randomly start breaking stuff, there is absolutely nothing left in their house that's made by me, because I broke/burned all of it.
Everything I've ever done in school, every picture of me at different points in life, etc.. I don't know why, I just can't stand still and I feel like I'm about to explode or something and I have no option but to wreck it all..

Every single second I feel bad while breaking stuff, but I can't stop.. I know I'm going to kill myself one day, and I'd want them to have something to remind them of me.. but I've broken everything.
After a few hours of yelling, crying, kicking, punching, etc. my mom says she's gonna kill herself, and I know she won't do it, because she always says that. The only thing keeping me from committing suicide (and has been for years, ever since I first tried to do it) is the fear that my mom would kill herself too if I would. I couldn't even imagine what my dad & brother would feel like if she'd do that..
Actually, I don't think she would. I don't think she could.

And you know what that means? I'm going to give it a few days (someone wrote something about a 'ten day warning' but Idk if that's true), and if things aren't better after -- say, about 3-4 days, I'm going to finally do it. I'll finally be free. <3
 
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12 floors seem like a leap of life right now, life must be being dead and away from all the feelings that torment me, from being bullied, passing out and ppl taking pictures of your wet and stupid self, then having to walk around feeling like a sorry ass, knowing my ex gf eventually hooked with one of the guys that bullied you, not being able to graduate from college, whole family sees me as lazy and afraid of people/life.. yeah i live inside my head hating most of this, death seems like a beatiful life.. i cant run away from myself, i hate the way i look and feel, whats the point? Suffering for years for what? We are just talking monkeys on an infinite universe
 
GodandLove said:
I admit, I have in fact been playing around with the idea of it.

Who knows, Maybe.

I might check in tomorrow. I'll have to give a ten day notice or something first, right?
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10 days for what? If your an immediate threat to others or yourself you can check in asap.

WannaGrow said:
12 floors seem like a leap of life right now, life must be being dead and away from all the feelings that torment me, from being bullied, passing out and ppl taking pictures of your wet and stupid self, then having to walk around feeling like a sorry ass, knowing my ex gf eventually hooked with one of the guys that bullied you, not being able to graduate from college, whole family sees me as lazy and afraid of people/life.. yeah i live inside my head hating most of this, death seems like a beatiful life.. i cant run away from myself, i hate the way i look and feel, whats the point? Suffering for years for what? We are just talking monkeys on an infinite universe
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I know shitty things have happened to you. They have happened to me to too. I have experienced more bullshit at 23 than most people ever will. I got through it and am still getting through it. So can you. I promise. I know it nah seem like an empty promise because of how low your feeling right now, but stick around with us. Fuck that girl who hurt you because she clearly didn't deserve you. Your family- you really don't need to explain anything to them. As long as you're living in a way that's not hurting yourself or others I say go for it.

I have the same philosophy on life that were all just basically waiting around to die. It's sad but true. But in the meantime, try and make it worth it for yourself- because you ARE worth it and so much more.
 
Wow, it's been quiet around here for the past few days.

WannaGrow, still feel like talking? I'm not the best "psychologist"-type to talk to as, as you've maybe seen on the last few pages, I've been writing here as well.. but if you just want to chit-chat with a weird Finnish guy, let's!
 
LeeviON said:
Wow, it's been quiet around here for the past few days.

WannaGrow, still feel like talking? I'm not the best "psychologist"-type to talk to as, as you've maybe seen on the last few pages, I've been writing here as well.. but if you just want to chit-chat with a weird Finnish guy, let's!
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Yeah bro, pm me, skype, whatsapp.. And thanks! Lol
 
I haven't had a suicidal thought today so far

That's amazing - it's the first day in over 40 days I haven't awoke to suicidal thoughts
 
Really good to hear this CH. You have truly been going through it recently.
 
I couldn't go 10 hours without having suicidal thoughts today

I am very ready to give up
 
i came in like a wreaking ball....... I fucking hate that stupid songs, girls are stupid, wait I am one, my statement still stands stupid, stupid, stupid girls, may we all rot in hell. I have multiple personalities, ha-ha-ha fucked up I don't give aaaaa shiiit ha-ha-ha..... why cant I just die?
 
It's so comforting to be able to talk about wanting to die here without worrying of upsetting everyone like in real life.
I always get a nice warm relaxing feeling inside just by thinking about it. Kinda like going to my happy place.
 
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