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The Suicide Support Thread

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This is an old account, but when I saw this thread I decided to "contribute".
I first tried to commit suicide years ago, decided I couldn't do it and spent a few days in the ICU + a month in the psychiatric ward. After that I wasn't depressed anymore.

I was recently accepted to a school, on a profession that interested me, but I didn't have the power to continue so I stopped after only two weeks.

Now I've been moderately depressed for the last few years, and I have no memory from the last month or so. I don't know why, but I woke up about a week ago, collected my thoughts for a sec (where I am, etc.), and couldn't remember anything at all.
I had two empty 40mg Oxy.. whatever it is where the pills are (EDIT: two single 40mg tablets, not two packs!), almost an empty one gram bag of 5f-AKB48, and not quite as empty 500mg bag of THJ-2201. I also had 100 x 2mg diclazepam bag, about a third left (I don't/didn't have a tolerance to benzos, altough I've been addicted to them before), which would explain the total amnesia.
Sorry, my train of thought is all messed up, also a few days ago I was at my parents' house, was totally f**ked up, and didn't yet know about the benzos and synthetics (<- what I mean is that I had no recollection of having them), so my parents called the hospital, I sat there long enough to be able to walk and left.
Also apparently I've bought a new phone..
Then the binoids ran out, and even in the first 12 hours or so I was detoxing hard enough to try and find unsmoked tobacco/synth mix from my ashtray (from the cig butts) and used those to keep the wd's away for a day or two.

Now I don't even have those left. I have two shirts, two pair of underwear, two hoodies that normally even if I have one on I'm sweating. Still, I'm shivering like fuck, I am literally penniless, I don't have ANY food, I do have the benzos but they don't help shit. Also drinking with and without benzos (to "forget" the wd's for a while) doesn't do any good.
This sounds weird, but I'd want to go out for a walk and see if that'd help, but I can't because I'm so cold.

I'm so fucking depressed I've thought about taking all of the benzos, waiting to be completely fucked up and slit my wrist with the sharpest knife. I'm dreaming of doing that. I would've done so already but I can't do it to my fucking parents!!
My friends won't hang out with me, much less provide any kind of support.

I'm stuck in this shithole that is my home, alone, with nothing to do, and I can't go on like this anymore. I'm going crazy in here!


Ugh, I'm sorry for this post. I understand when you guys write these, you have friends here on BL that can feel for you and know what you're going through, I don't. (This is probably one of my first posts)
 
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LeviON

Is there anyone who can bring you a meal and/or a blanket? It'll help how you feel immensely. Possibly there may be a place to get a free meal locally? (Soup kitchens, missions, churches) - you can also apply for food stamps (US)

I am really sorry to hear about what you went through, and it sounds worse than what I went through recently and I am still struggling myself.
 
Captain not really.. I just downed some of the diclazepams so now I have six left.. by the time someone'd come here I'd be in a condition I doubt they'd wanna see me in.
There is a meal line once a week but unless you really look homeless (I'm not kidding...) and wait for hours you're not gonna get anything.
 
LeeviON said:
Captain not really.. I just downed some of the diclazepams so now I have six left.. by the time someone'd come here I'd be in a condition I doubt they'd wanna see me in.
There is a meal line once a week but unless you really look homeless (I'm not kidding...) and wait for hours you're not gonna get anything.
Click to expand...
I feel very sorry to hear about your situation and I guess the withdraw makes it potentially worst.

Do you know how long you took your last dose. It was Oxy that you were taking, right?
Idk but I suppose oxy´s detox takes fewer days than other opiates.
Hang in there.
Can´t you go back to your parents house?
Hope you get better!
 
Erikmen said:
I feel very sorry to hear about your situation and I guess the withdraw makes it potentially worst.

Do you know how long you took your last dose. It was Oxy that you were taking, right?
Idk but I suppose oxy´s detox takes fewer days than other opiates.
Hang in there.
Can´t you go back to your parents house?
Hope you get better!
Click to expand...

Nah man I dont' think it was the oxys that cause this. Its the synthetic shit, and maybe benzos

I just dont want to let my mparents see me like this (currently very benzoated) as they dont approvve of any drugs.. they know I use but still

Edit: well im now atleast calm but still withdrawing. I'm currently on the very verge of slitting my wrists or something so I'll try to just sleep. Still thank you for chatting a bit
 
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LeeviON said:
Captain not really.. I just downed some of the diclazepams so now I have six left.. by the time someone'd come here I'd be in a condition I doubt they'd wanna see me in.
There is a meal line once a week but unless you really look homeless (I'm not kidding...) and wait for hours you're not gonna get anything.
Click to expand...

I am sorry to hear that

Maybe just try having a friend bring a meal, thank them, then have them leave as you are ill. Would anyone do that for you? I know having someone help me when I was withdrawaling was crucial
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I am sorry to hear that

Maybe just try having a friend bring a meal, thank them, then have them leave as you are ill. Would anyone do that for you? I know having someone help me when I was withdrawaling was crucial
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No, I wissh... it sounds silly and stupid but the few "friends" i have would just laugh if I askked that. Well tahanks again and good night/bye
 
hang in there man i know it sucks. captain's right, get food stamps if ya can. surprising how most all your "friends" turn their backs on you when you need something for a change..eh?
 
LeeviON said:
No, I wissh... it sounds silly and stupid but the few "friends" i have would just laugh if I askked that. Well tahanks again and good night/bye
Click to expand...

If you are hungry that won´t matter.

If it hurts you have to deal with it.

The good and bad side of this, mostly good though, is that you have your parents and they love you.
 
BostonBrownTown said:
what are you saying here, man? you are going to OVER DOSE today? why would you say/do that? unless I am reading this wrong or just happened to misunderstand what was being said but I hope everything is OK.

just be safe, man. I hope things went good for you and you got HIGH and feel GREAT but will continue to FEEL HIGH AND ALIVE AND WELL!
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Thank You for the kind words, Friend. You understood correct.

it was my 3rd or 4th (cant remember - benzo user 10yrs+) suicide attempt via OD. i failed, AGAIN, as You can see.
i wrote about it in the methadone mega thread (i ended up projectile vomiting the whole liquid with ZERO "forewarning" whatsoever).
it literally came out of nowhere, about 2hrs had passed since drinking all the methadone, i was laying on the couch watching something on tv when out of nowhere it suddenly just burst out of me with ZERO warning.
i have never ever had a vomiting "experience" like that in my life!
my stomach was otherwise completely empty (no food for 24h+) so my living room floor got drenched in sticky done-vomit.

i know this is not a question for TDS but wtf did this happen? ANY theories at all?
 
Once I did take too much methadone and many hours later I through up.
It seems that you body reacts instinctively.
Nevertheless, I still had to be admitted in Intensive Care and was speechless, literally, on the following day.
Be careful with that, the proceedings done at the hospital are very unpleasant, to say the least.
 
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I have a friend who died from methadone OD. They say he came home, drank a bunch of water, laid down and they found him dead. He was a big part of our circle of friends, and it was quite tragic. It was given to him after he had done rehab.

He left behind a family who depended on him very much
They say their house is full of trash and his daughter just runs wild. His wife is a depressive and doesn't function too well. It destroyed them
 
tyler5 said:
it was my 3rd or 4th (cant remember - benzo user 10yrs+) suicide attempt via OD. i failed, AGAIN, as You can see.
Click to expand...

Benzodiazepines were introduced to take over the therapeutic role of barbituates for a reason. That is, the LD50 (dose at which 50% of subjects die) for something like clonazepam is very high: >2,000mg/kg in mice and rats (roughly equivalent in humans)! So please don't do this to yourself again as you're much much much much much more likely to just put yourself in a coma with hypoxia leading to severe brain damage. No matter how bad you're feeling now, waking up as a retarded vegetable will be a hell of a lot worse. This can also happen with methadone.

Please dude, I know how hard it is when you're feeling so down, but the world truly is a beautiful place, and once you see that beauty again you will infinitely stronger than other who haven't been through what you have.
 
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JackiePeyton said:
I have a friend who died from methadone OD. They say he came home, drank a bunch of water, laid down and they found him dead. He was a big part of our circle of friends, and it was quite tragic. It was given to him after he had done rehab.

He left behind a family who depended on him very much
They say their house is full of trash and his daughter just runs wild. His wife is a depressive and doesn't function too well. It destroyed them
Click to expand...

I´m sorry to hear that. I know all the family and friends are the ones who suffer most.
OD sometimes leads you to a coma and then, because of respiratory problems, they have to maintain one in an induced sedation.
The worst part of it is that no one, including the doctor and specialists, know how and when you are going to wake up.
As I mentioned once I had an accidental OD and lost my voice for almost 2 weeks. Had problems in breathing. It was awful.
Right after I started taking this medication. Every one was sick worry and nothing they could do about it.
This was a huge wake up call few years ago. Methadone is very strong and it remains in you blood for days.
 
CH
Like I said in the Lounge, this will pass, it´s a phase.
Your body is adapting to your life opiate free, natural to have less endorphin than before.
Hang in there. It will get better!!
:)
 
I am still having really awful thoughts

I am beginning to believe that the problem is going to linger after the withdrawal as PAWS end

I also wake up early each morning feeling this perpetual panic attack with no real cause
 
CH,
I'm so sorry you are suffering so much… I went through few weeks of truly not being able to grasp reality. I felt like I was living in another dimension on earth and everything that I used to know as me in my body moving through the world was gone. It was awful ... like I couldn't reach myself. I wanted to die.

All of this is gone now. It does get better. It took a while, I still get a little dissociated, but I don't live in constant panic anymore. And yeah, there was no cause I could point out when It came on. Truly terrifying and it was just heroin, not subs which can be longer so I can't say I went through what you're going through but it was hell for me regardless.

I once read with subs or methadone it can take 35 days to reach homeostasis and start feeling like oneself. Of course this may vary from person to person. I don't know I just see you in so much pain from your posts. I am keeping you in my thoughts… and sending good vibes and healing energy your way.

~ Smoky :) <3
 
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