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The Suicide support thread

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I woke up the other night feeling the most suicidal I've ever felt....came very close to just taking all my rx's and hoping I wouldn't see the morning, just crying through a deep depression that ended in me feeling like the walking dead. I've had suicidal thoughts before, but never like that. I feel desperate, but I can't bear another hospitalization. I just don't know what to do, I don't really want to die, but living doesn't seem to be working out marvelously either.
 
if you're really ready to die it will be the easiest thing to do i felt very serine when i ODed until my dad got home and i felt guilty and told him what i did so he took me to the ER and since seeing what he went through when i did that made me realize that the easy way out isn't so easy when you have people you love and love you back
 
I was about to try and OD again last night. I don't know why, I just suddenly realized it was something I needed to do. I'm not doing any good in this world, I'm a horrible person and I'm just making everyone miserable. I shouldn't even be allowed to live. Why am I alive. Why the hell did I survive last time if it was just to stay the same bitter and mean person I always was, just to continue hurting everyone who's unlucky enough to know me. I don't know why I didn't do it last night. My parents wouldn't miss me. My "friends" wouldn't miss me. No one would. The only people who once truly cared about me are all either dead or have realized what an awful person I am and have left me alone. I can't do it. I can't keep pushing on and pretending like it's going to get better when it isn't, because inside of me there's something rotten and innately horrible that won't leave and that's just going to continue sucking the happiness out of everyone until I'm dead. I need to be dead. Why, WHY am I alive.
 
Pagey said:
I wish I'd succeeded when I tried a few months ago, I've lost the courage now. I wouldn't have to try anymore. Wow, things would be so much easier...if only it could have worked. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do. Life has no point or purpose or incentive to go on. I hang on because I don't want to hurt the people I love but would they really be that much worse off without me?
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Pagey, if I would be devastated (and I would) I can only imagine what our parents, siblings grandparents and good friends would feel. This is anxiety doing this to your head. It will pass. I know that the school will do all sorts of things to try to make it a comfortable transition. Breathe deeply and make a secret list of everything you are worried about--you never need to show it to anyone. List everything honestly. Then vow to yourself that you will wait to see if any of what you are worrying about comes to pass and lasts for a month. Also vow to not look at the list again for a month. In a month you can look at it and no doubt cross off most of what you wrote. Transitions are always scary for those of us with anxiety, even little ones, but this is a huge life passage not just a transition. It makes such sense that it would be this unsettling. It doesn't mean you are weak or that you cannot do this. It is just your anxiety talking.<3
 
My stress/anxiety/depression has started to manifest itself physically. My hair has been falling out in clumps (my favorite feature about myself..of course it's the first to go), my period has stopped, and I find myself spending most time off work in bed. I'm always fucking tired. I think about suicide all the time. I lay awake at night weighing out the pros and cons. Thinking about the feeling I feel inside to cease and never hurt me again.

My younger brothers are what keep me here. They're always the deciding factor to keep me around another day.
 
^Never forget to check out physical symptoms like that with a doctor. Hair loss, fatigue, listlessness and depression can all be signs of low thyroid. Your period stopping is worrisome. Have you been in for a physical? If so, do you feel like the doctor took you seriously?
 
You probably should go in for a checkup soon cuz those could all be signs of something far... I don't wanna say worse cuz there's not all that much worse than depression. But believe me :/ I feel yah.
Pm me If Ud like someone to listen too ya :l I'm sorry u feel tis whey :/ hope things turn around soon. I'm pretty much always awake if u need ta talk lol. :/ hope yer feelin better.
 
^That's really sweet of you, argentina420. people like you make TDS what it is.<3 Are you really in Argentina?
 
Ah fuck. Suicidal thoughts have been lingering in my head for ages now. I just want to take the rest of my stash and let it all be over instead of prolonging this bullshit. :/
 
I'm sorry to hear that, kace. :( What's been going on in your life that has led you to feeling suicidal?
 
I think I'm back at the starting point...everything I'd done since april to forget all my suicidal thoughts has become pointless...it's just not worth it anymore :(
 
^keep putting one foot in front of the other, Pagey, and you will walk out of this. Each time that you move through these feelings you learn something for the next time they hit you. I'm sorry that they are accosting you again.:(<3
 
Libby said:
I am upset. Lol thats all I have to say. I am completely in the wrong actually, I just want so bad. *frustration*
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PM me if you want to Libby.

All the
23.gif
and <3 in the world.
 
Thanks. Ahh I have slipped back into using meth to fuel my anorexia somehow. When you are deeply psychologically disturbed, adding starvation and methamphetamine into the mix makes for some unusual and obsessive behaviour. At least I dont really have to give a shit at the moment. Not entirely suicidal, just dont have anywhere to put this as no-one close in my life to care.

Also, had new crush, so naturally had to obliterate that into pool of psychosis, not that any real chance was there with him to begin with lol. I must just be that scared of making/feeling any sort of connection, theres no logical explanation for my behaviour, my satan, u would not even believe lol.

Man, I was so healthy, I was in the zone, and this weird thing that I do when my birthday is coming up, just because I've always had my weighloss goals centered around my birthday.. Gotta be x by birthday, birthday coming up, that means y weeks left to get down to x. wtf I was already at my goal weight before I started :/ It just took over, it's my tradition if you will. Maybe deciding I don't want to be with prison bf anymore also triggered. I havn't officially dumped, I am just ignoring calls etc, because I am a coward and I don't like this stuff. I never really felt what he seems to feel anyway if I'm honest, just want to sweep under rug and forget about. I felt something for this new crush, something strong. But fuck knows maybe drugs and mentally derranged = actually wasn't anything either. I don't know if I long to feel or if I'm afraid of feeling either. I don't know, and I don't want to have to deal with, lol. And I mean that in the broad sense, applied to my entire life. Don't know, don't want to have to deal with. And won't, will push it deep down and avoid it like everything else :|

In 13 days time, I will be in my Late 20s. Do not want. Why can't I be 14 forever, it's how I see myself on the inside, why does body keep changing and being different. I am not a woman damn you, I am a little girl, don't take that from me.
 
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Libby said:
Thanks. Ahh I have slipped back into using meth to fuel my anorexia somehow. When you are deeply psychologically disturbed, adding starvation and methamphetamine into the mix makes for some unusual and obsessive behaviour. At least I dont really have to give a shit at the moment. Not entirely suicidal, just dont have anywhere to put this as no-one close in my life to care.

Also, had new crush, so naturally had to obliterate that into pool of psychosis, not that any real chance was there with him to begin with lol. I must just be that scared of making/feeling any sort of connection, theres no logical explanation for my behaviour, my satan, u would not even believe lol.

Man, I was so healthy, I was in the zone, and this weird thing that I do when my birthday is coming up, just because I've always had my weighloss goals centered around my birthday.. Gotta be x by birthday, birthday coming up, that means y weeks left to get down to x. wtf I was already at my goal weight before I started :/ It just took over, it's my tradition if you will. Maybe deciding I don't want to be with prison bf anymore also triggered. I havn't officially dumped, I am just ignoring calls etc, because I am a coward and I don't like this stuff. I never really felt what he seems to feel anyway if I'm honest, just want to sweep under rug and forget about. I felt something for this new crush, something strong. But fuck knows maybe drugs and mentally derranged = actually wasn't anything either. I don't know if I long to feel or if I'm afraid of feeling either. I don't know, and I don't want to have to deal with, lol. And I mean that in the broad sense, applied to my entire life. Don't know, don't want to have to deal with. And won't, will push it deep down and avoid it like everything else :|

In 13 days time, I will be in my Late 20s. Do not want. Why can't I be 14 forever, it's how I see myself on the inside, why does body keep changing and being different. I am not a woman damn you, I am a little girl, don't take that from me.
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I am sorry to hear you are struggling Libby.

I think your spirit will always be a young one; that's what matters. :)
 
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