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The Suicide support thread

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i'm really depressed about my horrid track marks they are worse than anyone's i've ever seen apart from my dad and people see them and look down on me and it's a pain to hide from my doctor who prescribes me my pain, anxiety, bipolar/schizo medications and i fear how hard it'll be to get a job with these and they don't go away i've had the ones in the crooks of my arms for 4 years without using those spots at all due to collapsed veins ughh it's so frustrating
 
i always said id kill myself if ended up on the streets, well here i am and i cant decide what to do . i wish i would of took more of my stuff with me before i left.
 
Glitter_kiss, don't let the streets kill you. I was on the streets when I was young and it was tough but there are many things that you can do. There are so many social services out there if you go look for them. Let someone help you and don't let shame and fear take over. You are a very strong young woman and you can use this, and anything else life throws at you to be a stepping stone to a new direction. I learned a lot about myself when I was on the streets, and a lot about people in general, and that is knowledge I will always be grateful for. The most important thing is for you to be safe. Ask for help. Even in this fucked up world of ours it is still out there. PM me if you need help in finding services where you are, OK?<3
 
blahman8000 said:
Well, alcohol withdrawals are beginning to set in. I have no more booze and no more money. I don't remember the past couple of days too well. I've been drinking all this time, and I think I probably spent around 40 of the past 48 hours laying in bed. I'm so exhausted all the time. I feel horrible all the time. It's getting to the point where I simply cannot handle it anymore. If I had alcohol or drugs, I'd just end up going to sleep all day anyway. But I wouldn't feel quite as awful as I do now.

I hate that I never really contribute anything positive to this board, and mostly just whine. I don't know where else to go to let these things out. I'm pretty sure I am going to die soon. I'm back to how I was months ago when my liver was giving out. Last night was the worst I've felt in a while. It just keeps getting worse. It's difficult to even get out of bed and walk around. I'm finding myself feeling closer to accepting death and committing suicide, although I'm not too sure how I want to go about it. I just don't want to live anymore. I can't afford any drugs or alcohol right now to calm down these feelings. I have nobody to talk to about it. I feel like absolute death. I don't want to live.
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I understand what it is like to be so depressed that you just stay in bed. There have been times when I would stay in bed 18-23 hours per day sleeping and trying to sleep due to extreme lack of energy, complete loss of interest in everything, and because I just did not want to be awake feeling the pain any more than I had to. I also understand wanting to die as I have tried to end my life several times and came close to carrying out suicide plans. This includes a time when I was 16. We were going to my sister's for Easter and they had lots of guns. If my sister had not gotten pissed of at my mom a few days before Easter (and then did not speak or allow anyone to contact them for at least 6 or 7 years) I would have blown my head off with a shotgun as soon as I had a few minutes to get it without being seen. I'd be dead now. I was almost ready to carry out a suicide plan (asphyxiate in a cellar full of CO2 from melting dry ice) less than a month ago and would have done so if the medication I was put on hadn't started to work at that time.

Also, please remember that going off of recreational drugs will usually make you feel much worse for a while, especially while in withdrawal. The worsening of your mental state from going off drugs could last a couple of weeks or potentially longer. Now would be a terrible time to decide on suicide since quitting alcohol or other drugs can make one suicidal. You might not even want to die if you had not stopped drinking and using whatever other drugs you do so suddenly. You are not in a state where you can make a truly rational decision about taking your life.

Overuse of drugs can itself lead to depression, some are much worse than others. Alcohol is probably one of the worst to do that. Too much alcohol is also really hard on your body and can cause physical symptoms that make you feel worse.

Have you seen a psychiatrist and told them how you have been feeling? Most people are able to find a medication or combo of meds that works well for them. It can take a while for the shrink to find a drug or drug combo that works well for you but it is worth the wait. If you are depressed and are not getting treatment, you need to do that ASAP. I suffered through severe and often suicidal depression for over 10 years before I sought treatment. Research shows that the sooner you start treatment after developing symptoms, the more likely you are to fully recover.

I am very glad I am still alive. I have experienced so many amazing things since my first attempt. I really should not be here after trying to end my life and coming so close to carrying out other attempts. Last attempt, it was just luck that I had to get up when I was getting close to sleep. After falling multiple times, my mom is kind of worried and I told her what I had done. I woke up in the ICU 3 days later. My blood oxygen level had dropped into the 60s with an oxygen mask while I was out and I would have required intubation into my lungs to supply oxygen if it had dropped lower. It would drop into the 70s when I pulled my oxygen blowing mask up to talk after I was awake. As low as my oxygen level got when I was sleeping/comatose and being given oxygen, I would have almost surely died if I had stayed in bed and passed out or suffered permanent hypoxic brain damage. Organ damage (especially to the brain) occurs when O2 blood saturation drops under 60%. It was just dumb luck that my sister got pissed off when she did. I'd be dead for sure if I had been able to get that shotgun.

I believe that there are very few people who really want to die. They want to stop suffering and see no other way out. Death is not the only way out.

If you do not have health insurance and can't afford to see anyone for your depression, you can go to the ER. If you tell them how you feel, they'll get you help. This may involve involuntary commitment to a mental hospital. In Texas it is for two weeks and can only be extended beyond that with approval from the judge. They only extend it if there is good evidence that you are a danger to self or others. The law may not be the same where you are. You would almost surely be sent to a state run mental hospital. In any case, they would have no choice but to treat you. They would put you on one or more psychiatric medications, most likely.

I know nobody wants to end up in a mental institution, but it is worth it if the other option is either death or not getting proper treatment for depression. The one I was in was not a pleasant place, but it wasn't really bad like in a lot of movies either. It was mainly just really boring and I could not sleep because other people in my room snored all night. If you are still suicidal and have no psychiatrist/therapist to help you in these situations, consider going to the ER for it so that you can get help (which would likely mean some time in a mental institution). If you live in the USA or another country without universal health care, this may be the only way to get help if you don't have insurance or money.

That aside, I know a substance that you might try as a temporary or permanent replacement for alcohol. It is called phenibut.

Phenibut is a legal substance sold as a dietary supplement that would probably stop alcohol withdrawal and has nice mental effects that are better than anything I've felt from drinking. Probably too late for that to help you with WD's by now. It is probably a lot better for your liver than drinking is too. I find it much more recreational than alcohol and some people describe the effects as like being drunk but with a clearer mind. It also doesn't cause hangovers. You'll find it if you Google it. Or look on internet auction sites. Some health or supplement stores may even have it. It is much cheaper to buy as powder than pills. (MODS, I hope this isn't breaking the no source discussion. I did not name a specific place and the substance in question is classified as a dietary supplement, not research chemical or legal high. Edit it out if it's a problem).
 
Tryptamine*Dreamer - Thank you so much for your reply. It is always helpful to have somebody who can empathize and lend support. When I made that post on this thread, I was at quite a low. It was a nightmare. The cravings, withdrawals, depression, anxiety, and general negative thinking felt excruciating, and lately I've been climbing out of it and feeling a lot more optimistic than I was then. I'm still not all better by a long shot, but I've had a glimmer of hope. I quit drinking for days, the withdrawals subsided, but I slipped earlier today and had a couple of beers. On my way home from my friend's house last night, I compulsively bought some beer. I chose not to drink it last night, because I was so tired anyway, but woke up this morning with terrible sleep paralysis, and afterwards I was just in a lousy mood altogether. I ended up drinking the beer. It wasn't worth it and was a poor decision.

I agree with you that very few people want to die, and I often question my own desires to die when I'm feeling suicidal. It isn't so much that I want to die, as much as I just feel too hopeless to live. When faced with death as I have been in the past (at least to some extent), I've fought to survive. However, my self-destructive impulses borderline on suicidal on their own. I don't know anyone that has drank like I have over the past few years. I'm terrified that I've wrecked my brain at such a young age. Drinking has sucked out all my confidence, self-esteem, character, passion, energy, and willpower. If I had actually done something with my life these past few years instead of sitting around getting fucked up, then who knows where I'd be now. But I can't undo the past, I have to live with whatever the hell I've done to myself.

A psychiatrist and/or a therapist is obviously the best way to go. I have terrible thoughts, fears and obsessions that I can't seem to shake off. I feel diseased in many ways. I see symptoms of degenerative ailments all over me. I feel that I have all kinds of mental/personality disorders that are inescapable. I have a past that can't be undone, and people hate me. I mean, there are people that are at least disgusted by me. I can't think of anyone whose early-to-mid-20s are more pathetic than mine have been. I haven't had a girlfriend or had sex at all in several years. Girls don't even look at me with a chance of interest, like I don't qualify as human. The few times I've gone to parties or clubs, I've just sat alone and/or looked like this freak, this total misfit. I can't seem to shake it off and be normal, to integrate and function. Who put me in this body? Who gave me this brain?

With that said, though, I truly am looking forward and feeling much better than I was a week ago. I'm applying for jobs and school. I'm working on a few things, step by step, to get my life back on track. I'm making progress in my songwriting and have taken it to places that I never had before. I'm happy to be back writing music, and even though I'm not performing or anything, it is really my true passion and it's one of the few things I don't feel like I've totally lost. This post does seem very negative, which is generally my usual mind state, but there is an element of hope right now, however dim it may be. I don't know the condition of my body, if I've shortened my life significantly with my drinking, etc. I don't know if I'll drink again or if I'll end up in a hole again in a few days. I'm just trying to remain focused and trying to dig myself out. Like you said, very few of us truly want to die, and this is me fighting to stay alive.

I will look into phenibut. I'd like something to incorporate into my daily diet (as opposed to a destructive substance) that will make a difference, that won't harm my body or constitute as abuse. I'm considering anti-depressants, dietary supplements, along with meditation, yoga, all kinds of things. I don't know where I'm at right now, I don't know if I've drank so much that I'll drop dead in a week or if I need a liver transplant. Yet I'm trying to block that out until I see a doctor, so that I can maintain focus and try to get better, even if that is in vain.

Thanks again for your response. I've read a few of your posts in the past few pages of this suicide thread, and it sounds like you were in a very bad place and you're getting better. I'm happy to see that. It was good to see somebody recover and it gives me hope that maybe I can too.
 
i used to be addicted to opiates and benzos. ive been clean for a year. im not afraid to die maybe cause i overdosed so many times. im tryin to connect to whats sacred and whats divine and it helps me in wanting to stay alive. i guess we are all in search of the sunrise
 
To blahman8000 (also for anyone who is depressed and has had cognitive difficulties while depressed or who might be interested in OTC supplements for depression that work)

Sorry to bother you with another post here and the private messages I have sent. Trying to help, hopefully not being an annoyance.

It is nice to hear that you are not feeling so bad now and that you are making a real effort to stop or reduce your use of alcohol. Your posts indicate that you have probably suffered significant liver damage or that you believe that to be the case. You should get a liver function test and tell a doctor about your trouble with alcohol ASAP so that you can be checked out by a professional.

Why I really thought I should make another post is your concern over possible brain damage from drinking.


You say you have been having cognitive difficulties and attribute that to excess alcohol use, but you are also quite depressed. I assume even though you have improved, that depression is still a big issue in your life. Alcohol is neurotoxic when used to excess and this is well known. I don't think you should jump to the conclusion that alcohol abuse is the cause of your cognitive difficulties though.

Cognitive impairment is a well known symptom of depression, particularly with more severe depressed states. It is something I have extensive experience with starting by age 13, years be3fore I touched drugs. During severe depressive states, I experience some or all of the following cognitive problems: Feeling dull-minded, slowed thinking speed, difficulty finding words, impaired short term memory(sometimes to a high degree), decline in academic performance, inability to concentrate, slowed speaking speed, and reduced performance or inability to perform tasks that are intellectually challenging.

During particularly severe episodes, I become convinced that I have suffered severe brain damage. The thought that drugs are the cause is a common one but I often develop delusional thoughts that I have been infected by brain parasites (they do exist, btw) and that my brain is gradually dying. The more unusual/perhaps delusional thoughts tend to occur during episodes of psychotic depression or severe mixed episodes with psychotic features but thoughts that I have suffered some type of damage from drugs or a past couple of minor head injuries (on the same day) starts to creep into my mind anytime my depression reaches moderate to severe levels in the absence of any psychotic features.

Unless you have had tests confirming brain damage, you might be worrying a bit much. Also, it can take weeks or months of abstinence or at least dramatically reduced usage of a drug before you return to normal or as close to normal as you can get afterwards. In the absence of evidence showing damage, you should try not to worry too much about it because it is not going to change things and will make recovery from depression more difficult.

I did not start college until I was 23 or 24, wasted at least a year from choosing the wrong major, and I had one very bad year and dropped out completely the next year due to depression and other psychiatric conditions. The last year I only went part time because I was not well enough to do more than that. I have a high GPA and am trying to go for a PHD so it will probably be my mid or possibly late 30s before I finish. You are just in your early to mid 20s from what you indicated so you have plenty of time to go back to school and make a career for yourself, I don't know how intellectually gifted you are (just that you feel like you are damaged or deficient), but I am sure there is something good out there for you. I am inclined to believe you are more intelligent than you think you are right now because I have felt as if my brain were wrecked many times. I also know that others could not convince me that those feelings were from depression.

Hypochondria is also common with depression. I don't want to imply that you are imagining things, but you say you see signs of degenerative ailments all over yourself. I have believed myself to have a variety of physical diseases while badly depressed such as metastatic cancer, an accelerated aging disease, and a condition that was causing me to go blind. That last one had me shrieking in terror like a little girl back when I was 13 or 14 years old and the power went out, making me think I had gone blind. I am sure you have some real symptoms that may or may not be serious, likely from alcohol abuse. In a depressed state, it is likely to seem even worse than it really is. It doesn't sound like you have been to a doctor recently and you can't know that something really serious is wrong without being checked.

I have definitely gotten better very quickly over the past month to the point that I am no longer clinically depressed. Much of the time I actually feel some degree of happiness and other positive emotions that I thought had nearly died within me and I am trying to take certain steps to prevent a return of the depression. Little things like trying to spend 15 minutes or so in the sun early in the morning before it gets to hot or going to the theatre to see a movie can help.

Also, don't get discouraged if it takes longer to recover. I have gotten out of extremely severe and long lasting episodes of depression literally overnight (like the first time I tripped) or in 3-4 days (from severe depression to hypomania when put on bupropion) and other times is has been slow, maybe months or gradual improvement.

I mentioned the antidepressant combo that has helped me along with dietary supplements that have been shown to help. One in particular has definitely been of help to me and that is inositol. It has been used by proffessionals to treat patients and studies seem to clearly show a benefit. I definitely improved significantly more within a week of starting its use. It is the only supplement other than low dose phenibut (300mg 2-3x daily) that has had an undeniable positive impact on my mood and sense of wellbeing without any sort of high that I have tried (phenibut can get you totally wasted if you use enough and you can probably OD on it). I think piracetam+choline in combination also produced easily noticed improvement in mood, but I can't say for sure because it has been to long. High doses of omega-3 fatty acide have shown much promise though the time to see benefits can be long.

Some other supplements that seem to have antidepressant effects based on sometimes very limited research includes: DHEA, SAMe, St. John's Wort, 5-HTP, Scullcap, Passion flower, panax ginseng, eleutherococcus/siberian ginseng, ginkgo biloba, eveining primrose oil, Bacopa moniera, damiana, Rhodiola rosea, Coca tea (contains cocaine but it is nothing like smoking or snorting coke)

About the lack of a girlfriend: I'm not qualified to say anything as I have never had a gf or bf and consider myself asexual though I'd like to have a romantic relationship with another asexual person. I doubt if your problem is that you are somehow too defective to get a GF. Maybe you are just socially withdrawn and need to be more active in going after a girl. Maybe you aren't motivated enough to do what it takes to get a girl. I don't have any tips related to getting a GF because I can't get any kind of friends.

I have personally not had any kind of friend since I was 11 or 12 years old. There was one guy when I was 14 who acted like my friend but I caught him and my brother talking about how I was brain damaged and retarded so I don't really consider him to have been a friend as he generally wasn't nice to me and would often insult and make fun of me to my face. I hope to have a friend someday. I'd like to have a friend of some kind, but it does not usually bother me to have no friends. I have never had a romantic interest in my life and I am 29 years old, still a virgin. I don't feel bad about my virginity, I have a natural dislike and disgust for sexual intercourse and I don't feel bad about not getting it. I do enjoy masturbating.

I hope to someday find someone who is asexual like me who I could be in love with. You can show deep love for another person without sex. Sex is not needed in a relationship of true love. That said, I'd even force myself to have sex on rare occassions for the right person just as long as they realize that it is not going to happen much. I just hope I have the capacity to fall in love because I have never had more than a crush.

I think your depression may be affecting your ability to get romantically involved or from finding someone who is interested in you. I may be wrong here as I don't know your situation in that kind of detail. You definitely have plenty of time to find someone to live your life with or just to have sex with.

It is great that you are feeling better than you were earlier and it's great to hear that you have renewed your love and passion for creating music. You need something in your life that you truly enjoy and care about. It's good news to hear that you are feeling at least some hope now. It is terribly difficult to live without hope.

I never asked if you have friends or family for support. I have my mom and nephews and two beautiful pets. My mom has been incredibly supportive and my nephews, age 13 and 15, are like brothers to me. My pets are just as much a part of my family as the people and have been there for me when I was alone or unwilling to talk about my feelings to other people. I seriously think I would have taken my life if I did not have them. I almost did anyway.

If you like animals at all but do not have a pet, you might consider getting one as long as you can take good care of it. They are almost always happy to see you and they provide a kind of unconditional love that other people don't. They provide companionship if you are lonely. They also provide you with some kind of purpose in life because they need you and everyone needs to be needed. As long as you are kind to a pet, it will generally return the love it is given and then some.

It seems we have a fair bit in common. If you use instant messaging like MSN or AOL or whatever and you want to talk, send me a PM with the name of the service you use and your username. I don't talk a hell of a lot but would be interested in talking to you. If you are sick and fed up with me bothering you, either ignore any messages or tell me to fuck off or something.

Hopefully you will continue to improve. Try to stay away from alcohol as much as you can even if it means switching to something less harmful like phenibut or weed. And certainly do not take paracetamol/acetominophen/Tylenol or anything containing that ingredient until you get you liver checked, especially if you decide to drink. Paracetamol drastically increases the harm done by alcohol. This means no using most opiate/opiod pain killers since most contain paracetamol.
 
Hey Tryptamine, thank you very much for the reply and the advice.

I definitely do seem to have cognitive problems that affect my social life (or lack thereof), but they weren't always present. Before I began drinking, I was a relatively witty, funny and sometimes talkative guy. I was a good conversationalist, and didn't struggle to keep up a dialogue. Now it's very difficult. I feel awkward and dull. It's difficult to come up with responses, and everything I say feels contrived. It's hard to be funny like I used to be. I just feel rather empty and mentally sluggish. I've tried a few supplements, like a B vitamin complex and fish oil tablets, but maybe I just didn't give them time to work, and maybe I didn't give my body enough time to recover in sobriety before my relapse.

I'll definitely look into what you've recommended. I tried St. John's Wart before and it seemed to have some positive impact, but I was always uncertain whether or not it was a placebo effect. I guess I may have thought too hard about it, and I eventually just didn't stick with it.

I also lack friends at this point in my life. I tend to just have a small number of them, but when I fall into my bouts of depression, I tend not to keep in touch. There are usually never more than 2 or 3 people in my life that I feel comfortable seeing on a somewhat regular basis. I do not talk to or open up with my family, ever, and feel very uncomfortable around them. I do my best to avoid them. Although I don't necessarily blame them for the disconnection I feel towards them, and don't wish to insult them. I simply feel a very strong urge to stay away from them.

A number of times in my life, I've considered the possibility that I am asexual. I'm certain that I am heteroromantic, and I generally don't have any sexual interest in the same sex, however my sexual interest in women is much more mental and psychological. I find women visually stimulating but that is only a portion to my fascination with their personality, actions and words (both sexual and non-sexual). I suppose that, in a way, this is beneficial because it doesn't limit my interest in women to appearance, and I can be just as interested in a woman who is not conventionally attractive, based on a connection that I have with them. However, not all people operate the way I do, not to mention it's kinda hard to meet people when I usually try to be alone as much as possible.

It's good that, even with your lack of friendship, you still have family to rely on and to share things with. Things like that can help keep a person's mind in at least a bearable place. I can't say I'm entirely sure what it's like to be close in any way with family, as the thought of being so with my own makes me uncomfortable. But I can appreciate the importance it can have for a person. I've often found myself relying on friends as substitutes for siblings and family, and in the past have felt a similar kind of atmosphere. Having a pet is also awesome. I don't personally own a pet, as I'm allergic to both cats and dogs, and those are the pets I'd generally prefer to have. I do like animals very much.

I don't use any instant messenger service, and don't usually stay on the computer for long periods of time lately to talk. Instead, lately, I generally try to just check in, as when I'm on the Internet too much, I get more depressed. When I see a message on here though, I do respond, and am available to PM on here. I don't know if I'll be on here very often for the next few days though, as I'm looking to try and get out of this house and settle into a new place (homeless shelter or otherwise). I'm not suicidal at the moment, but I feel like if I continue living in this house, I will end up back to where I was not too long ago. I'm currently not drinking, and am trying to do my best to keep it that way. I appreciate all your advice and will look into the supplements you've mentioned.
 
I think after having been dependent on alcohol or benzodiazepines long enough, that you will experience this type of effect afterwards (cognitive difficulties)... but if you are clean for long enough, you will begin to find things getting better. :)
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I think after having been dependent on alcohol or benzodiazepines long enough, that you will experience this type of effect afterwards (cognitive difficulties)... but if you are clean for long enough, you will begin to find things getting better. :)
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I felt mentally really dull after a period of dramamine abuse (I know, a shitty drug. It was all I had at the time and I just wanted to escape) and it may have been as long as a year before I returned to normal, though I excelled academically when I started college 2 or 3 years later.

A period of abusing 5-meo-amt (I had so many doses due to the high potency) I felt really dull for maybe 6 months.

This is a bit different, but after being knocked out for half an hour, falling again, and being knocked out for another 15 minutes the same day I felt mentally dull for at least a year and had lots of violent mood swings that gradually decreased during that time. I always had bad mood swings, but this had me destroying things and threatening people, which I did not normally do prior to that. I was also inflicting intentional injuries on myself much more often than I did before that. I think it was post-concussive syndrome although the doctors at the ER said my altered state of consciousness was due to drug use and that I did not have a concussion. I tested positive for something, I don't know what. I definitely wasn't tripping. I had no memory of that day except bits and pieces. The only thing I had that might possibly cause the type of dissociated and extremely suicidal and sometimes violent behavior I apparently exhibited was synthetic cannabinoids but they would not have had me completely out of my mind for the 30+ hours I was out of it for. I am also pretty sure that getting knocked out for 30 minutes or amnesia lasting 24h is considered a grade 3 concussion, the most severe grade. If it exceeds those time amounts I have read that it is considered a traumatic brain injury instead of a concussion.

In any case, I seem to have fully recovered from each of those events.

Also, if the cognitive difficulties started when or after the depression, that could still be responsible.

No need for any reply. You don't seem suicidal now and this is the suicide support thread so if you have a desire to continue the conversation, we can take it to private messages. I don't want to take space up here for discussion not related to suicidal crises or ideation. Just thought it might help to know that others have felt cognitive problems from drugs and other causes and made a full recovery. It is not just me either, I have heard and read about other people having long term but not permanent cognitive dysfunction from drug abuse (as opposed to responsible use) and head injuries.
 
mrflowers00 said:
i'm really depressed about my horrid track marks they are worse than anyone's i've ever seen apart from my dad and people see them and look down on me and it's a pain to hide from my doctor who prescribes me my pain, anxiety, bipolar/schizo medications and i fear how hard it'll be to get a job with these and they don't go away i've had the ones in the crooks of my arms for 4 years without using those spots at all due to collapsed veins ughh it's so frustrating
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Are track marks just scars? I am asking because I burnt myself all over my arms, legs, and abdomen with cigarettes and a soldering iron. The doctor said the scars would not go away and that scar removal gel would not work due to the size and darkness of the scars. He was wrong. Using a product called Mederma or Medaderma, I was able to completely get rid of most of the scars and the rest are much lighter. Perhaps it would work for track marks too.

I was really self conscious and uncomfortable with people seeing the scars and the questions about how they got there. I'm sure track marks have a more negative effect on you since it is an obvious sign of drug use and affects your ability to get a job or pain medications that you may need, not to mention how society as a whole looks down on drug users.

If you still use IV drugs, you might switch to smoking to avoid track marks. Many drugs work as well or nearly as well smoked and it is probably a safer way to use.

I don't know if the scar remover would be helpful, it was just a suggestion. It also takes a lot of time to get really good results. For me, it was probably a year of almost daily use before I decided the scars had faded enough that I saw little point in improving them further.
 
my dad got smashed on xanax and totaled his truck so the extra money he had to help me go to college is going to him getting a new car i'm really thinking of killing myself
 
mrflowers, have you considered other options to pursue your education? You may be surprised by how much help is available to people in your situation. I see you live in the US. Have you considered applying for a Pell Grant?
 
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