Sorry for being so selective but can only deal with my own for now. That doesn't mean I don't care 'bout y'all cos I do. Just means that I'm kinda broken now and can't see much beyond that...
Lin (Occasional Mrs Shambles) died yesterday. I heard of this through her son (bleary and red-eyed as he was) yesterday afternoon. In all honestly I know precious little. All I really know (from one of he sons) is that she was taken in to a local hospital (which makes a big difference cos local hospital is reserved for only the most hopeless of situations) Tuesday afternoon in a very bad way. He was in a state when he came to see me cos doc made it very clear that it would be no more than 24h before she lost the fight. She lost the fight
Is no great surprise cos have known these days will come for many years now. Still hurts like all fuckery to actually feel it for real though
OMS/Lin meant the world to me. She made me feel whole when the world and I had given up on me. She made me feel accepted. She made me feel like me
The ins and outs of our relationship are so very complex I would not know where to begin. Suffice for now to say she meant the world to me and I would not be here today if it wasn't for her.
She gave me hope where there was no hope. She made me feel proud to be be me. She made me a better man than I could ever be without her.
I'm sure I'll be back to say more as and when, but until then...
Thank you, my love. You saved me. You gave me life when there was no hope. You took away my hurt and shame and made me feel real. You not only gave me
a reason to live but instead gave me several cos you made me believe in me. I am not worthy but can only hope I repay you just a fraction of what you gave me, We may never have been in the traditional bf/gf territory but I loved you so much it hurts. Still hurts. And I know that was mutual. Another time, another life. Then and then forever. Forever your blue boy
I have no words right. Hopefully the words we shared and loved will suffice...
Leonard Cohen - A Thousand Kisses Deep (live)
"Confined to sex, we pressed against
The limits of the sea:
I saw there were no oceans left
For scavengers like me.
I made it to the forward deck.
I blessed our remnant fleet –
And then consented to be wrecked,
A Thousand Kisses Deep."
Leonard Cohen - That Don't Make it Junk
"I fought against the bottle,
But I had to do it drunk –
Took my diamond to the pawnshop –
But that don’t make it junk.
I know that I’m forgiven,
But I don’t know how I know
I don’t trust my inner feelings –
Inner feelings come and go.
How come you called me here tonight?
How come you bother
With my heart at all?
You raise me up in grace,
Then you put me in a place,
Where I must fall.
Too late to fix another drink –
The lights are going out –
I’ll listen to the darkness sing –
I know what that’s about.
I tried to love you my way,
But I couldn’t make it hold.
So I closed the Book of Longing
And I do what I am told."
I fukkin wish I had the full lyrics so I could quote more specifically... but I have what I have and y'all have no idea how much some of this shit means to us... to me... There's so much more I want to say... wish I could say... but really is hard... hurts... a lot... but thank you all for being you. All of you. Y'all make life worth worth living
(and for those that make life just that bit more worth living...

... nothing more than that... just

)