The Sad Thread (Anti-Snoo)

[Bodda]

To quote a Burzum song "Black spell of destruction"
Jeg faller......

300mg of Seroquel down the neck & just doing my last bit of smack atm in bed with just a few candles for light.
I really don't know what to do with myself since she lost our kid, it never had a chance to live & she blames me for OUR child not surviving.

 

[pinkpapaver]

Shamster, I didn't know Mrs. Shambles was ill at all. That's sad stuff, real sad stuff.

Bodz, you're a blonde bombshell and don't you forget it

Folks do your best to enjoy these last days of summer. Get some sun on your skin if you can. I could say I'm sad because I have to go back to work tomorrow, but I'm not, I 'm glad.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Bodda - biggest gift you can give your departed is to live fully. Love to you brother

Shambles - your shite with pm's, gonna bell you in the day

 

[Bodda]

Trhank you teo kinnd peolpe abive : )
to u. Both.

 

[Sammy G]

Sometimes I honestly don't know if I'm going to survive this. I lost someone so special to me this year. I was checking my old PMs to find out when the last time I saw him was, and read a bit where he said "I couldn't live without you as my friend". I'd give anything in the universe to turn back time and be a better friend. I got my answer, 27th October 2012. The day I took him back to his home and kissed him goodbye for the last time.

That sounds really soul-destroying.

I know it's impossible to avoid looking back over these things from time to time, but (and I despise these clichés as much as anybody) beating yourself up about things really doesn't lead to anywhere good. It's hard to remember that when you're in the worst of places, and it's taken me most of my adult life for it to sink in, but there's really no sense in making yourself feel worse. Grief / regrets are natural, healthy feelings, but there's no sense in twisting the knife on the occasions that they do overwhelm you.

It's just all so fucked up. All I know how to do now is work and do drugs. The only time I feel a moment of peace is when I'm off my face. Home isn'tm a sanctuary anymore -- it's the place where my thoughts catch up with me and rip me to bits over and over. I don't know how to start putting the pieces back together. There are so many things I wish I could have done differently and my whole life is just full of regret.

I understand that particular place all too well. You can really lose years of your life in that downward spiral, and all it leads to is more regret.

Jesus, I wish I'd not spent my mid-twenties brooding, exploring the depths of my own misery, cutting people out of my life and shutting myself off from the outside world. For a start, I'll never be that good looking again, and it took its toll when I did emerge from that particular hole and proceeded to try and make up for lost time.

I can't suggest an easy way to escape that mindset, as I don't really know if I've done so myself. I do believe I've turned a corner, but it took the near-total desturction of most of the things I held dear, including my own self-image, which was ultimately working against me anyway.

More emotionally mature, self-aware and savvy types than myself (and you strike me as such a person) can hopefully find their way without the necessity of such a crash landing.

Best of luck to you anyway, and here's hoping your mood lifts somehow.

 

[Pagey]

Just realised I'm moving back to London in a bit over two weeks...which means leaving my boyfriend and all my real friends behind in Paris and not seeing them for months. Also means going back to a city I hate with no one I can really relate to and to which I only associate heroin. So I'll probably end up relapsing to forget I don't have anyone there and then hate myself for relapsing and the cycle continues.

 

[The Liberal Media]

Wtf just read that Bruce Eisner died new years day this yr

MDMA was probably my gateway drug , will have fond memories of going to Haight/Ashbury and buying bruces MDMA book and reading it in Golden Gate Park

And then hurrying back to Berkeley for Monday Morning classes !!




rip bruce

 

[pinkpapaver]

Just realised I'm moving back to London in a bit over two weeks...which means leaving my boyfriend and all my real friends behind in Paris and not seeing them for months. Also means going back to a city I hate with no one I can really relate to and to which I only associate heroin. So I'll probably end up relapsing to forget I don't have anyone there and then hate myself for relapsing and the cycle continues.

If you ever want to come up here for the day I'll show you round . It's got some nice bits. You can teach me English

 

[WithMyLife]

Thanks loads for the reply Sammy G.

I wasn't consciously trying to torment myself looking at old PMs. It feels like such a long time since we saw each other but feels like yesterday that he died.

Jesus, I wish I'd not spent my mid-twenties brooding, exploring the depths of my own misery, cutting people out of my life and shutting myself off from the outside world. For a start, I'll never be that good looking again, and it took its toll when I did emerge from that particular hole and proceeded to try and make up for lost time.

That's exactly what I'm doing, and I'm really really aware of it. I'm in my late twenties now and I know I will look back and think "I was so young then, why didn't I take advantage of it?". I don't feel young though!

I have something to be happy about. My mid twenties were pretty much destroyed by absolutely awful acne. I would see guys check me out then look shocked and run away as soon as they saw my face. I wanted to claw my skin off on a daily basis. After a few years of this I went to the doctor and got on antibiotics. Helped while I was on them, but when I stopped it came back 10 times worse. I went on the pill, that made it worse again. I was getting close to the option of last resort -- roaccutane, which is horrible risky shit to take for the sake of something cosmetic.
Then as mysteriously as it started, it cleared. I'm not sure if it's due to the products I'm using (I won't chance not using them!!) or if it just cleared naturally. I've had about 9 months of nice skin. Yes, I have scars, but a light layer of makeup pretty much sorts that out. You can't know what that feels like unless you've had bad acne -- I'm grateful every single day.

So... I don't know how to get myself out of this mental hole, but I feel a lot better about myself than I did. I'll get there.

Just realised I'm moving back to London in a bit over two weeks...which means leaving my boyfriend and all my real friends behind in Paris and not seeing them for months. Also means going back to a city I hate with no one I can really relate to and to which I only associate heroin. So I'll probably end up relapsing to forget I don't have anyone there and then hate myself for relapsing and the cycle continues.

You said something pretty similar about having to go back to Paris for the summer. You're stronger than you think....
London isn't so very far from Paris -- visiting and keeping in touch with friends and boyfriend shouldn't be too much of a nightmare. Though I'm sure it'll be rough not seeing your friends and boyfriend every day. At least you have friends and a boyfriend, doing better than me

 

[Sammy G]

Thanks loads for the reply Sammy G.

No probs. I don't really know much of your situation and background beyond reading your posts, so I tried to avoid lapsing into what might come across as empty platitudes. At least I was semi-successful.

It's hard to watch somebody who comes across as a decent person get caught up in what might be avoidable self-torture, that's all. The involuntary pangs of deep regret are painful enough without twisting the knife. Especially if you're particularly good at twisting the knife.

That's exactly what I'm doing, and I'm really really aware of it. I'm in my late twenties now and I know I will look back and think "I was so young then, why didn't I take advantage of it?". I don't feel young though!

It's amazing how old you can feel when you're down. At the age of 25, I threw away all my old tarty Iggy Pop clothes and bought a new 'casual dad' kind of wardrobe. At the time that's how I felt, though looking back at photos from the time, I look more youthful than I ever could have imagined! It never ceases to amaze me how your emotions can completely distort your view of reality. Wish I had the secret of getting out of that rut, but I'm halfway in it just now, albeit at 33, which in all fairness is a reasonable age to start feeling a bit more responsible. If you find it first, then pass it on, yeah?

I have something to be happy about. My mid twenties were pretty much destroyed by absolutely awful acne. I would see guys check me out then look shocked and run away as soon as they saw my face. I wanted to claw my skin off on a daily basis. After a few years of this I went to the doctor and got on antibiotics. Helped while I was on them, but when I stopped it came back 10 times worse. I went on the pill, that made it worse again. I was getting close to the option of last resort -- roaccutane, which is horrible risky shit to take for the sake of something cosmetic.

Then as mysteriously as it started, it cleared. I'm not sure if it's due to the products I'm using (I won't chance not using them!!) or if it just cleared naturally. I've had about 9 months of nice skin. Yes, I have scars, but a light layer of makeup pretty much sorts that out. You can't know what that feels like unless you've had bad acne -- I'm grateful every single day.

That roaccutane stuff sounds horrible; I remember one of my friends at school being faced with the prospect of it and he wasn't keen at all, unsurprisingly. I can't imagine what it'd be like to live life with something so public as acne every day, especially at that age. It must've been devastating. My life nearly fell apart when I developed a single boil on my face (which eventually became infected and has turned my right cheek into an impressive crater), so the thought of having to go through more than that and for a much longer period... yeah, that's got to be a real nightmare to overcome. Kudos to you.

Well done on using that experience to strengthen yourself. That's the kind of thing that really makes the difference, I find. There are plenty of occasions since my mid-twenties meltdown where I've more or less wanted to die - I'm not exactly in the highest spirits just now, but at least I'm not burdened with a hundred self-serving delusions, wandering around aimlessly half-naked, forgetting what day it is and pissing in the corner of the room because I'm too terrified to leave my inner sanctum. However bad it gets.

And with that flattering revelation, I'll end my little ramble.

 

[Urbain]

Just realised I'm moving back to London in a bit over two weeks...which means leaving my boyfriend and all my real friends behind in Paris and not seeing them for months. Also means going back to a city I hate with no one I can really relate to and to which I only associate heroin. So I'll probably end up relapsing to forget I don't have anyone there and then hate myself for relapsing and the cycle continues.

Pagey, why not just choose not to take Heroin again? You know the consequences of it, and your not dependent on it currently, are you?

If i was still in London, id catch up with you.

You can make it. Go carve out a life for yourself
X

 

[Pagey]

If you ever want to come up here for the day I'll show you round . It's got some nice bits. You can teach me English

Hah, thanks, that's nice of you.

You said something pretty similar about having to go back to Paris for the summer. You're stronger than you think....
London isn't so very far from Paris -- visiting and keeping in touch with friends and boyfriend shouldn't be too much of a nightmare. Though I'm sure it'll be rough not seeing your friends and boyfriend every day. At least you have friends and a boyfriend, doing better than me

I guess, but I had a really hard time coming back initially and now that things had finally started to look up I don't feel like I have it in me to really get through a few more difficult months...sorry for how dramatic that sounds. Money won't allow me to come back to Paris more than once every two months, which is better than nothing obviously but still...dunno I'm just sick of these massive transitions and atm I can't settle down in either city and I just get stupidly panicked every time I have to make the move again
That aside, I hope things start to look up for you soon

Pagey, why not just choose not to take Heroin again? You know the consequences of it, and your not dependent on it currently, are you?

If i was still in London, id catch up with you.

You can make it. Go carve out a life for yourself
X

Haha it sounds so silly when you put it like that. No I don't know, you're right, it's just the anticipation that's worrying me I suppose because I can't really know how I'll react once I'm there. Just that I know I'm going to have to spend the initial part of the uni year making up for all the mistakes I made when I was a junkie and that scares the hell out of me - plus I'm afraid people won't give me second chances. NOt that I did anything awful, I just sorta ignored everyone and spent my whole time alone doing drugs. And I'd just celebrated 3 months clean last week but I've been using again these past couple of days, I dunno why but I hate myself for it and just makes me feel even more hopeless about staynig clean in London.
I dunno. I'm going to do my best but it's just scary waiting for it to come up without being able to do much about it in the meantime, if that makes sense.
Thanks a lot

 

[Shambles]

Sorry for being so selective but can only deal with my own for now. That doesn't mean I don't care 'bout y'all cos I do. Just means that I'm kinda broken now and can't see much beyond that...

Lin (Occasional Mrs Shambles) died yesterday. I heard of this through her son (bleary and red-eyed as he was) yesterday afternoon. In all honestly I know precious little. All I really know (from one of he sons) is that she was taken in to a local hospital (which makes a big difference cos local hospital is reserved for only the most hopeless of situations) Tuesday afternoon in a very bad way. He was in a state when he came to see me cos doc made it very clear that it would be no more than 24h before she lost the fight. She lost the fight

Is no great surprise cos have known these days will come for many years now. Still hurts like all fuckery to actually feel it for real though

OMS/Lin meant the world to me. She made me feel whole when the world and I had given up on me. She made me feel accepted. She made me feel like me

The ins and outs of our relationship are so very complex I would not know where to begin. Suffice for now to say she meant the world to me and I would not be here today if it wasn't for her.

She gave me hope where there was no hope. She made me feel proud to be be me. She made me a better man than I could ever be without her.

I'm sure I'll be back to say more as and when, but until then...

Thank you, my love. You saved me. You gave me life when there was no hope. You took away my hurt and shame and made me feel real. You not only gave me a reason to live but instead gave me several cos you made me believe in me. I am not worthy but can only hope I repay you just a fraction of what you gave me, We may never have been in the traditional bf/gf territory but I loved you so much it hurts. Still hurts. And I know that was mutual. Another time, another life. Then and then forever. Forever your blue boy

I have no words right. Hopefully the words we shared and loved will suffice...

Leonard Cohen - A Thousand Kisses Deep (live)


"Confined to sex, we pressed against
The limits of the sea:
I saw there were no oceans left
For scavengers like me.
I made it to the forward deck.
I blessed our remnant fleet –
And then consented to be wrecked,
A Thousand Kisses Deep."


Leonard Cohen - That Don't Make it Junk

"I fought against the bottle,
But I had to do it drunk –
Took my diamond to the pawnshop –
But that don’t make it junk.

I know that I’m forgiven,
But I don’t know how I know
I don’t trust my inner feelings –
Inner feelings come and go.

How come you called me here tonight?
How come you bother
With my heart at all?
You raise me up in grace,
Then you put me in a place,
Where I must fall.

Too late to fix another drink –
The lights are going out –
I’ll listen to the darkness sing –
I know what that’s about.

I tried to love you my way,
But I couldn’t make it hold.
So I closed the Book of Longing
And I do what I am told."

I fukkin wish I had the full lyrics so I could quote more specifically... but I have what I have and y'all have no idea how much some of this shit means to us... to me... There's so much more I want to say... wish I could say... but really is hard... hurts... a lot... but thank you all for being you. All of you. Y'all make life worth worth living

(and for those that make life just that bit more worth living... ... nothing more than that... just )

 

[knock]

Shambles

 

[Pagey]

 

[BecomingJulie]

Aw.

You know where we all are if you need anyone .....

 

[Allein]

My heartfelt and sincere condolences Shambles

 

[StoneHappyMonday]

Lin (Occasional Mrs Shambles) died yesterday.

Oh fuck. Really. Oh fuck. Words cannot express. I have read what the good lady meant to you Shambles. Oh fuck.

 

[masaz]

Really really sorry to hear that

 

[Morphling]

That's truly awful to hear, Shammy. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.