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The Sad Thread (Anti-Snoo)
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Tangerine Dream
Bluelighter
And I completely missed your news shambles. so sorry to hear it 
Sad thread is sad
Really sorry Marmz, must be fucking awful. Love n hugs, hope you're doing ok
edit: guess it doesn't really bear mentioning amongst all this horrible shiteness, but I was looking through a photo album my little sister dredged out and it made me really sad to see all these photos of me playing with my Grandma as a child, and the way she looked at me and how she'd indulge me in stupid stuff and would kick my arse at Streets of Rage. I really wish she was still here to know that I've got a plan for my life and I turned out ok and that a lot of it was down to how she raised me; was awesome to see the photos but it was hard not to cry too, few regrets regarding the whole thing. Saw my Mum cry over it for the first time ever the other day too, and it really hurt because I can't imagine how it feels to lose a parent and it's my biggest fear.
Really sorry Marmz, must be fucking awful. Love n hugs, hope you're doing ok
edit: guess it doesn't really bear mentioning amongst all this horrible shiteness, but I was looking through a photo album my little sister dredged out and it made me really sad to see all these photos of me playing with my Grandma as a child, and the way she looked at me and how she'd indulge me in stupid stuff and would kick my arse at Streets of Rage. I really wish she was still here to know that I've got a plan for my life and I turned out ok and that a lot of it was down to how she raised me; was awesome to see the photos but it was hard not to cry too, few regrets regarding the whole thing. Saw my Mum cry over it for the first time ever the other day too, and it really hurt because I can't imagine how it feels to lose a parent and it's my biggest fear.
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StoneHappyMonday
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 10, 2001
- Messages
- 18,084
Never trust a doctor.
mydrugbuddy
Bluelighter
Very sorry to hear your bad news Shambles. My thoughts and condolances are with you. 
cherrycolouredfunk
Bluelighter
Life feels so fucking shit I actually WANT to go back to Jail. It's pretty much a year since I got out, and in the past year, I relapsed pretty badly within 4 weeks of getting out.
At least there I know where I'm at, I feel safe, I have a routine, I get up at the same time, I know what my day has in store for me. I can access help when I need it. Access to mental health. I'd get clean. They medicate me exactly what I need. I can't hurt myself. I'm falling out here.
I've got another abscess, just over two weeks after being put to sleep to drain one other infected one. I don't respond to the anti-bio's they give me.
I've got two black eyes, and thumb marks round my throat.
My boyfriend doesn't want me to go back to drinking, (he got me off going back to drinking 3 litres + of white ace a day which I was on before jail, and headed back that way when I met him when I got out of jail, he was released a week after me - met him in rehab housing) so he leaves me just enough money to get something to eat when he goes to work, so If I want to drink to numb my pain, my pharmacist will lend me a couple quid a day for two strong cans.
We've been talking of stopping using for weeks, but ever ytime we have money, it goes. We've been through 400 quid since Friday. No more wages now til next friday. My dole got rinsed too last week. It feels like it's never going to end, It feels that I want to stop more than him. I'm fucking lost, and the only thing that takes it away, is.......
I hate my life just now, I'm so unhappy.
At least there I know where I'm at, I feel safe, I have a routine, I get up at the same time, I know what my day has in store for me. I can access help when I need it. Access to mental health. I'd get clean. They medicate me exactly what I need. I can't hurt myself. I'm falling out here.
I've got another abscess, just over two weeks after being put to sleep to drain one other infected one. I don't respond to the anti-bio's they give me.
I've got two black eyes, and thumb marks round my throat.
My boyfriend doesn't want me to go back to drinking, (he got me off going back to drinking 3 litres + of white ace a day which I was on before jail, and headed back that way when I met him when I got out of jail, he was released a week after me - met him in rehab housing) so he leaves me just enough money to get something to eat when he goes to work, so If I want to drink to numb my pain, my pharmacist will lend me a couple quid a day for two strong cans.
We've been talking of stopping using for weeks, but ever ytime we have money, it goes. We've been through 400 quid since Friday. No more wages now til next friday. My dole got rinsed too last week. It feels like it's never going to end, It feels that I want to stop more than him. I'm fucking lost, and the only thing that takes it away, is.......
I hate my life just now, I'm so unhappy.
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cherrycolouredfunk
Bluelighter
I missed this, and there's me going on about my own trivial shit.
I'm so sorry Sham, my thoughts are with you
mydrugbuddy
Bluelighter
I've been there and go in and out of feeling like that.
I dont know if you're already doing it, but my GP refered me to a mental health/substance addiction centre, where i get all kinds of support. Counselling, CBT groups, CBT one to one, one to one help with practical stuff. Plus they are able to tell me about places to get further support and help.
I was feeling exactlly like yourself until my counseling session last week. I have no idea how or what she said but that session completely turned things around for me, and ive found some positivity and clarity and strength that Id lost some where along the way.
It sounds like you need more support, and it is available.
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Shambles
Bluelight Crew
Further apologies cos still can't see much beyond my own. Is not that I don't care about the pain of others so much that I can't. I wish I could. Would be so much easier...
A lil update. Don't really know why I'm updating other than the fact that I have to let stuff out. And I feel horrible for that need cos that's all I've done this whole time. All I've done is feel sorry for myself. Wallowing in it. Not as much as I'd expected but enough. More than enough. Too much? I really don't know. But a lot.
Was the funeral last Friday. Wasn't until the day or two running up to that day it really sank in. Had been blank in the intervening time. Blank and selfish. A terrible, terrible man. Scum. Can tell me I'm not all you want but you'll be wrong cos I am. Doesn't mean I have to stay that way (I really hope seeing it - truly seeing it - will maybe help to change that) but currently I am and have been for some considerable time.
My friend and lover of a decade or more died - and died in agony (as my mother has repeatedly reminded me... I wish I knew why but I don't and she does) - and all I've really done is think of myself. It's the first part of the equation that's really true. She was my friend. She was the only real, flesh and blood friend I've had in the last ten years or so. Now I have nothing and I have nobody. And now I am nothing and I am nobody. And where do I go from here? Where do I even begin?
Second part of the equation should hurt more cos it certainly hurt her... hurt me too... but that really doesn't matter. My only friend but not my only lover. We were never "together" in any kinda binding sense. I really don't know what we were. We were friends with very blurred boundaries is as close as I can get. I slept with other women though. Two others. Both whilst wasted. Neither meant a damn thing. Just out of it and opportunistic. I've never been very good at saying "No" and we were never "properly" together in that way. Often there'd be weeks, months... many months, between any close contact... but I knew how much it hurt her all the same.
She only knew about the second one. Caused the one and only row we ever had in over ten years. I felt so bad... so very bad. Cos I felt nothing for the other. Nothing at all. She just came on strong when I was wasted enough to not care. I'd say that was a boy thing but it isn't cos I've known plenty women who do much the same. I'd never do a thing like that if I was "properly" with somebody. We never were though. I never really knew what we were beyond the fact that we loved each other but both knew it could not ever be. Not really.
I have no idea why I'm telling y'all that other than the fact I need to unburden. Cos I'm selfish like that. She deserved so much better... but we both agreed from day one that there could never truly be an "us". Companions. Occasionals.
And now there's just me and my conscience... such as it is. Not quite my only lover but the only one I loved. Truly my only friend. Where the fuck do I go from here? I moved to this place to get away from everything, to quit the gear and to move on. Six months was the plan. Six months then move on. Somewhat optimistic to say the least. Took several years just to deal with the gear stuff and by then I was trapped. Only one person who cared and how did I repay her? I repaid her with love every step of the way... but such disrespect. It shouldn't matter cos it was "never like that" but apparently it didn't cos I was still a whore and I still bleed. My own needs - my immediate needs - were all I could focus on. There was no context. No endgame. Nothing possible in our future but this. Either that or me somehow being able to move on - to move away - from this place and leave her behind. Cos I am scum. A terrible, terrible man. A selfish man. Scum.
And now all I see is that I have nothing and I have nobody. Cos I 'm selfish like that. My life ended a decade or so back. I've existed in some shadowy half-life since then. She made that existence bearable. Sometimes even enjoyable... Always enjoyable when we were together. But we weren't often together. Not really. Not enough to sustain ten years. Occasional.
I am a terrible, terrible man. And I am scum. But I don't want to be that way and I don't think I need to be that way. I just need a chance. Opportunities not occasions. But I don't see any chances nor any opportunities. Not really. I see phantasms and fantasies. I see nothing and I see nobody. Maybe this could be a chance. There is nothing left for me now. Not even a trace of my old life. Nothing. Nobody. But to start again...? Truly start again. From scratch. From nothing and with nobody. I just don't know where to begin I really don't.
I wish I were dead. Really I do. That sounds so fukkin melodramatic. Is not though. I have zero interest in suicide. Suicide is for hurting others. Have no interest in hurting others. Have done plenty of that. If you truly hate yourself you don't want to kill yourself you want to live cos that's what really hurts.
Sorry for splurge. I really don't know what I'm doing saying stuff like this to y'all (whoever you are) or to anybody else. I just know I need to say it. Not asking for answers cos I don't even know what the questions were.
Thank you for kind words. Thank you for being you. Especially you. Despite how all this sounds there really is no cause for concern. Nothing drastic gonna happen Chez Sham. Maybe nothing gonna happen at all. That's the really scary thing.
A lil update. Don't really know why I'm updating other than the fact that I have to let stuff out. And I feel horrible for that need cos that's all I've done this whole time. All I've done is feel sorry for myself. Wallowing in it. Not as much as I'd expected but enough. More than enough. Too much? I really don't know. But a lot.
Was the funeral last Friday. Wasn't until the day or two running up to that day it really sank in. Had been blank in the intervening time. Blank and selfish. A terrible, terrible man. Scum. Can tell me I'm not all you want but you'll be wrong cos I am. Doesn't mean I have to stay that way (I really hope seeing it - truly seeing it - will maybe help to change that) but currently I am and have been for some considerable time.
My friend and lover of a decade or more died - and died in agony (as my mother has repeatedly reminded me... I wish I knew why but I don't and she does) - and all I've really done is think of myself. It's the first part of the equation that's really true. She was my friend. She was the only real, flesh and blood friend I've had in the last ten years or so. Now I have nothing and I have nobody. And now I am nothing and I am nobody. And where do I go from here? Where do I even begin?
Second part of the equation should hurt more cos it certainly hurt her... hurt me too... but that really doesn't matter. My only friend but not my only lover. We were never "together" in any kinda binding sense. I really don't know what we were. We were friends with very blurred boundaries is as close as I can get. I slept with other women though. Two others. Both whilst wasted. Neither meant a damn thing. Just out of it and opportunistic. I've never been very good at saying "No" and we were never "properly" together in that way. Often there'd be weeks, months... many months, between any close contact... but I knew how much it hurt her all the same.
She only knew about the second one. Caused the one and only row we ever had in over ten years. I felt so bad... so very bad. Cos I felt nothing for the other. Nothing at all. She just came on strong when I was wasted enough to not care. I'd say that was a boy thing but it isn't cos I've known plenty women who do much the same. I'd never do a thing like that if I was "properly" with somebody. We never were though. I never really knew what we were beyond the fact that we loved each other but both knew it could not ever be. Not really.
I have no idea why I'm telling y'all that other than the fact I need to unburden. Cos I'm selfish like that. She deserved so much better... but we both agreed from day one that there could never truly be an "us". Companions. Occasionals.
And now there's just me and my conscience... such as it is. Not quite my only lover but the only one I loved. Truly my only friend. Where the fuck do I go from here? I moved to this place to get away from everything, to quit the gear and to move on. Six months was the plan. Six months then move on. Somewhat optimistic to say the least. Took several years just to deal with the gear stuff and by then I was trapped. Only one person who cared and how did I repay her? I repaid her with love every step of the way... but such disrespect. It shouldn't matter cos it was "never like that" but apparently it didn't cos I was still a whore and I still bleed. My own needs - my immediate needs - were all I could focus on. There was no context. No endgame. Nothing possible in our future but this. Either that or me somehow being able to move on - to move away - from this place and leave her behind. Cos I am scum. A terrible, terrible man. A selfish man. Scum.
And now all I see is that I have nothing and I have nobody. Cos I 'm selfish like that. My life ended a decade or so back. I've existed in some shadowy half-life since then. She made that existence bearable. Sometimes even enjoyable... Always enjoyable when we were together. But we weren't often together. Not really. Not enough to sustain ten years. Occasional.
I am a terrible, terrible man. And I am scum. But I don't want to be that way and I don't think I need to be that way. I just need a chance. Opportunities not occasions. But I don't see any chances nor any opportunities. Not really. I see phantasms and fantasies. I see nothing and I see nobody. Maybe this could be a chance. There is nothing left for me now. Not even a trace of my old life. Nothing. Nobody. But to start again...? Truly start again. From scratch. From nothing and with nobody. I just don't know where to begin I really don't.
I wish I were dead. Really I do. That sounds so fukkin melodramatic. Is not though. I have zero interest in suicide. Suicide is for hurting others. Have no interest in hurting others. Have done plenty of that. If you truly hate yourself you don't want to kill yourself you want to live cos that's what really hurts.
Sorry for splurge. I really don't know what I'm doing saying stuff like this to y'all (whoever you are) or to anybody else. I just know I need to say it. Not asking for answers cos I don't even know what the questions were.
Thank you for kind words. Thank you for being you. Especially you. Despite how all this sounds there really is no cause for concern. Nothing drastic gonna happen Chez Sham. Maybe nothing gonna happen at all. That's the really scary thing.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
Shambles I have to run but I'll message you tomorrow at the latest okay? Just wanted to post this to let you know I'm thinking of you in the meantime. Stay strong
Tangerine Dream
Bluelighter
When the shambles breaks down we all break down. Nah. Words are pointless...especially coming from me.
I'm glad we don't have to worry about you ending your pain selfishly...how selfish is that of me to think?
Life is a fucking cunt...regrets regrets regrets...I know its all relative, its different...but how ever bad you feel now...you must know countless people close or not so close who have loved and lost...and do feel better 'in time'.
Meh. Words are shite. To you and cherry...don't give up. Turn it around...maybe not right now, but as soon as you can, as soon as you are ready. Don't give up.
Don't give up.
I'm glad we don't have to worry about you ending your pain selfishly...how selfish is that of me to think?
Life is a fucking cunt...regrets regrets regrets...I know its all relative, its different...but how ever bad you feel now...you must know countless people close or not so close who have loved and lost...and do feel better 'in time'.
Meh. Words are shite. To you and cherry...don't give up. Turn it around...maybe not right now, but as soon as you can, as soon as you are ready. Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Shambles
Bluelight Crew
Feeling better is easy. Being better is a whole other thing. That's the thing that bothers me. Phantasms and fantasies. I need reality cos the rest I can manipulate with ease. I can pretend happy cos I can make what is not real real... but not really. What I need I cannot have. Or if I can I have no idea how to get there. Where to start? Phantasms and fantasies? No. Dragging others into the abyss is just not fair. Especially not when I see salvations there. How can that be real?
No salvations. Will but burn to salve. And leave nothing but char and cinder. Then wallow in it.
I do see brighter futures. I see them every day. Is all I ever see of late. Is what scares me. Cannot be real. Can hurt though.
Could it be real? Could I see something so positive that is real? I don't know. Really I don't. I do know I will sabotage it at every step of the way though. I hope I don't cos one thing I've learnt over the years is that hurting yourself often hurts others. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I want to love. And to be loved. I've only ever wanted the former before. The latter never mattered cos I'm selfish like that. Now I want both. I can even imagine both. Have no idea how it could happen but can imagine it. Do imagine it. Daily.
I'm pretty sure I'm just setting myself up for pain cos that's the only thing I really know. Maybe not. Maybe. I'm nothing if not a trier.
But as for knowing that others have loved and lost? Of course I do. Am not a fukkin moron. It's really not about that though. That's why I'm a terrible, terrible man. That's why I'm a selfish prick. That's why I'm scum. Well, one thing amongst many.
Thank you for kind words though. I know you lost a close friend recently. Have lost close friends too over the years. Am not for one minute comparing notes cos the variables are beyond calculation. What happened to you resonated greatly with me though. I won't even begin to say that I know how you feel. But I suspect I have an inkling. And I appreciate what you have said. Truly I do. It comes from the heart and it touches mine it really does
Thank you, m'dear. I really value our lil chats. Hopefully I'll be less fukkin maudlin by then
cherrycolouredfunk
Bluelighter
badandwicked
Bluelighter
Sending some love out to Marmalade & her family And you of course Sham. And anyone else sick, sorry or sad. It comes to us all.
And you of course Sham. And anyone else sick, sorry or sad. It comes to us all.
cherrycolouredfunk
Bluelighter
^
I second that. Love to Marmalade too.
Anyone going through a hard time at the moment, stay strong. Keep a hold of yourself, and things will get better, things do and can change, we're all in a constant state of flux. That's what I've been telling myself recently.
I love flux. The word, the meaning, the art form. So many things are attached to it, from physics, politics, water, the tide, people, life.....
Constantly moving basically, that's they key.
The sad thing is, I now have to get off Bluelight, as my boyfriend does not understand it and I he's due back any minute he only popped out to score (something he wouldn't have done if a mate had not encouraged him - we'd agreed we'd keep the last 20 for food, now we have no food, and no money, no wonder my immune system is failing) and why I would want to share my views with 'a load of strangers who take drugs, and only talk about drugs.' He cannot see that Bluelight is about a lot more than that, and me having been a member for as long as I have, the friends I've made, how the path of my life has sometimes been changed for the better because of some advice I've received here, friends I've made. During a certain time in my life, if it had not been for Bluelight, I could have been, well very very unhappy with no support/friends etc.
I'll be back tomorrow.
I second that. Love to Marmalade too.
Anyone going through a hard time at the moment, stay strong. Keep a hold of yourself, and things will get better, things do and can change, we're all in a constant state of flux. That's what I've been telling myself recently.
I love flux. The word, the meaning, the art form. So many things are attached to it, from physics, politics, water, the tide, people, life.....
Constantly moving basically, that's they key.
The sad thing is, I now have to get off Bluelight, as my boyfriend does not understand it and I he's due back any minute he only popped out to score (something he wouldn't have done if a mate had not encouraged him - we'd agreed we'd keep the last 20 for food, now we have no food, and no money, no wonder my immune system is failing) and why I would want to share my views with 'a load of strangers who take drugs, and only talk about drugs.' He cannot see that Bluelight is about a lot more than that, and me having been a member for as long as I have, the friends I've made, how the path of my life has sometimes been changed for the better because of some advice I've received here, friends I've made. During a certain time in my life, if it had not been for Bluelight, I could have been, well very very unhappy with no support/friends etc.
I'll be back tomorrow.
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Tangerine Dream
Bluelighter
I seem to just slowly stop thinking quite as much about things...Then feel guilty if I am having fun and laughing (if I start to think of shit.) It's weird how you can switch off to the point of feeling like you haven't resolved things, or burying your head in the sand.
I have thought of everything too many times. It seems you can't dwell on the past, unless it makes you stronger/better and more complete in the present/future.
Logically guilt and depressions and regrets serve no purpose over than to teach us or drag us down.
You have to try and create the you, you want to be...in the present and not keep punishing yourself, because it's holding you back. You can only change whats happening now, in life. Learn from the past, don't stay there, grow, flourish.
hippy sounding, and obviously I can give myself this advice, but does my brain follow the logical reasoning? No, I still feel like shit most of the time
Thinking too much is hell sometimes. I think that's why I numb myself with drugs... I can see why lots of 'clever' people have killed themselves. Philosophers being depressed etc. Gift and a curse.
I'm rambling/tipsy. I don't consider myself above anyone or on par with a philosopher by the way!
Anyways... I guess we can all feel shit together? As impersonal and unnatural an experience posting on a forum to communicate with your fellow human beings is...this place/peoples opinions and personalities do shine through, good and bad. It's an add on for real life
Yeah posting on BL is enjoyable, and helpful/therapeutic at times.
What cherry said...stay strong I guess. Sink or swim etc :/
You are a clever guy shambles...I hope you can work through this somehow. I miss your informative, long, and interesting posts, you selfish fuck
I have thought of everything too many times. It seems you can't dwell on the past, unless it makes you stronger/better and more complete in the present/future.
Logically guilt and depressions and regrets serve no purpose over than to teach us or drag us down.
You have to try and create the you, you want to be...in the present and not keep punishing yourself, because it's holding you back. You can only change whats happening now, in life. Learn from the past, don't stay there, grow, flourish.
hippy sounding, and obviously I can give myself this advice, but does my brain follow the logical reasoning? No, I still feel like shit most of the time
Thinking too much is hell sometimes. I think that's why I numb myself with drugs... I can see why lots of 'clever' people have killed themselves. Philosophers being depressed etc. Gift and a curse.
I'm rambling/tipsy. I don't consider myself above anyone or on par with a philosopher by the way!
Anyways... I guess we can all feel shit together? As impersonal and unnatural an experience posting on a forum to communicate with your fellow human beings is...this place/peoples opinions and personalities do shine through, good and bad. It's an add on for real life
Yeah posting on BL is enjoyable, and helpful/therapeutic at times.What cherry said...stay strong I guess. Sink or swim etc :/
You are a clever guy shambles...I hope you can work through this somehow. I miss your informative, long, and interesting posts, you selfish fuck
Shambles
Bluelight Crew
Ugh. Me and my drunken self-indulgent whinings. Not one of my most endearing traits I know ![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I'm sure most of y'all have known me long enough to know I'm occasionally prone to disgustingly melodramatic woe and angst. Is just letting off steam is all. And chances are if it's disgustingly melodramatic woe and angst stuffs I'm just drunk is all. There is method and there is madness in, amongst and around everything I say when I'm in such moods. Isn't always pretty but can assure you there's a lot less self-loathing than it seems (cos I'm pretty frikkin awesome tbh
%) 
)
One of those lil whines of mine does have some relevance though. Really don't have actual people to speak to - not one - about anything ever. As such i tend to use BL as all manner of things it's really not there for. Sometimes the line gets kinda blurry between who, what, when and why I say stuff. Ack. Not even sure what I'm saying other than don't worry. I get drunk and get all melodramatic and make great sweeping statements of misery and woe. Am a godawful miserable drunk is all. Am fine really
And kind words here and PM (thank you PM peeps) really do help a lot. Thank you
Am okay. Really I am. Just letting off steam a lil is all. Sorry for being so damnably melodramatic about it
I'm sure most of y'all have known me long enough to know I'm occasionally prone to disgustingly melodramatic woe and angst. Is just letting off steam is all. And chances are if it's disgustingly melodramatic woe and angst stuffs I'm just drunk is all. There is method and there is madness in, amongst and around everything I say when I'm in such moods. Isn't always pretty but can assure you there's a lot less self-loathing than it seems (cos I'm pretty frikkin awesome tbh
%) )One of those lil whines of mine does have some relevance though. Really don't have actual people to speak to - not one - about anything ever. As such i tend to use BL as all manner of things it's really not there for. Sometimes the line gets kinda blurry between who, what, when and why I say stuff. Ack. Not even sure what I'm saying other than don't worry. I get drunk and get all melodramatic and make great sweeping statements of misery and woe. Am a godawful miserable drunk is all. Am fine really
And kind words here and PM (thank you PM peeps
) really do help a lot. Thank you Am okay. Really I am. Just letting off steam a lil is all. Sorry for being so damnably melodramatic about it
Tangerine Dream
Bluelighter
I would probably bottle a lot more up if I didn't have a drink and end up posting on here... We are all allowed some down time (that wasn't meant to downplay just how shitty people are feeling right now) ...no need to apologise, I say
Take as long as you need.
Not too long though
Take as long as you need.
Not too long though
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