Tommy7... - you're too young to despair so much, but I understand you've been through a lot, that's not criticism, just an observation most would agree that I am correct concerning your situation. Homeless at 16 is very rough, I'm not making lite of your situation.
I was on methadone 200-mg/day and successfully tapered to 30-mg (several relapses once i got under 70-mg, but eventually I got to 30-mg). You can get Medicaid if you don't already have it- seriously, destitute men are now qualified to get Medicaid, at least in my state - which adopted Obamacare. Consider moving to my state- Colorado. In Denver i know a dozen or two people homeless and your age, so I'm used to helping out through my HR work - been doing this several years as a volunteer. I know I've helped at least a few get off opioids by finding them hard to access services.
Sounds like you have blow, crack whatever type of coke under control. Please tell us (or PM if you want privacy) and let us know what you're using now, your post isn't totally clear, are you currently using meth? That post screams meth (long, no breaks, good grammar and spelling). I'm not judging, but I need to know your living, substances and emotional situation, truthfully, to effectively help you the best.
Here, I'll demonstrate - I take clonazepam, Etizolam, bupe, mood stabilizers, and old man stuff (cholesterol, high b.p.). I'm older, 46.
Do you have a roof over your head again or are you still on the streets? Stability first, taper second is my opinion. You could switch to low dose bupe at 30-mg methadone, probably higher but most docs require three days w/ds off 30-mg methadone (DEA/FDA bullshit) b/f you start bupe. I'd never go above 4-mg sublingual or 1-2 mg insulfated, do not go over 8-mg, really 2- to 4-mg should hold you.
But now you've still got a dependency on a long term opioid. So... may not be your thing. Can you switch to a short acting opioid and taper yourself? If so I recommend dope or oxy for a week or two maximum, then taper that and deal with much shorter, but more intense w/ds, this takes immense self-control and stability... ! I strongly suggest you try to get meds legitimately. But if you can't, that's understood as common, just be careful and don't get caught up with LE anymore than you have to if at all possible. If you have to street buy, try finding as stable dealer with a home to go see him at, if you must use street drugs.
There is a lot of hope for you, even though I sense your despair, you feel like a piece of sheit, I've been there. Be easy on yourself if you can. Exercise! Every day. Taking a lone, quite walk for a half hour and try to clear your mind. Notice the ground under your feet, the ambient sounds, the views and the odors, push negative thoghts aside as they arise. This will help stabilize you, and relieve anxiety, try it you'll be glad you did...
PM me if you need to get more info or want some support, someone who will write back and try to help you. PM where you're at (roughly) I'm not going to reveal your location, but if I know the general area in your state, I can find help others may not be able to through my network of harm reduction programs, many are underground, but are full of good people who give a shit and are there solely to help you, these days syringe access programs do more than just hand out rigs. My place does much more. They are volunteers, mostly, and do what they do b/c they want to, unlike profit driven rehabs. I wouldn't do in-patient unless you feel in danger of harm coming to you (out of control dope, benzo w/ds).
If you're in my state that'd be awesome, but I can help regardless as long as you're US based.
Your past is not good. Here's a thought that has helped me - about forgiving yourself and others for part wrongs - "the definition of forgiveness is abandoning the idea that you can change the past"
That will help you shake some guilt, anger and shame you're certainly carrying with you, we all do, esp., after years of self-abuse.
Take care. Please break your posts into paragraphs, more people will read and respond. There's a recovery forum on BL better suitable for your situation, it may be more help, try posting over there too. Here we're ostensibly focused on harm reduction, try the support forum for more assistance.
I feel for you but there's lots of time and help for you, it can be difficult to find or access, I can help. If you want to, whatever - I wish you better days ahead. You're young... You can rebuild good habits much better than older adults. I wish my addictiion was at 18 not 38 (I'm two years off dope, six years off methadone, six years on bupe. Does the idea of being on bupe for a long time preset an issue? Being homeless where I live isn't a barrier to bupe orb methadone treatment, as long as you commit to the program eventually, if not right away, the docs will give you a thirty day supply (bupe, not 'done) and trust / steer you where you can go to do the hard work- therapy, healing, clean groups (if 12 steps is your thing), etc...
CBT therapy would help. But let's get you stable first b/f we start talking advanced treatment,'k?
All my best, people do care... I do.
