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The May Getting / Staying Sober Thread vs. April showers bring May flowers

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Good to have you back.. seph.. quit beating yourself up already.. if we are going to cycle through addiction why in the hell don't we skip the guilt/shame/all other negative shit.. make the ride much better!! If we put on the line till its not worth it, then what is there to beat oneself up over<3

im doing good today.. quitting smoking fkd with me yesterday, but i worked through it for now.. hope you are all stuck to positive.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
Congrats, keep it up. Don't feel bad I have been pretty much avoiding so called "friends" who I used to get very drunk with, and I was even invited to an actual friend's wedding/bachelor party but I just RVSPed no to them.
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Thank you, and yup I ended up not seeing her... she still gets high and always tells me I have my shit together so it isn't bad if I do bags every now and then. Smh... so I'm just not even going to bother anways. She's 32 and needs to get her shit together...instead of hangout with a 19 year old and do heroin.

Mr.Scagnattie said:
Congrats on the clean time man. It ain't easy.
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Thank you too, and it definitely isn't easy. Wish it was.
 
Sepher said:
I've slipped this month and don't even know why. Barely been able to log in since, don't know what that's about either. Shame? Letting the side down? Feeling triggered? None of those quite cut it, though there may be small nuggets of truth in them all perhaps. It was as slips go trivial: four pack of beer and a half bottle of vodka. Didn't even get drunk, I drank like a normal person, couple of beers and a vodka and coke nursed over an evening, it lasted me three nights, no drinking through the day or for breakfast as in times gone by. It could almost have been a 'healthy' approach to normal, moderate drinking. Except I'm pissed off about it, I shouldn't have bought it, I dunno why I did. Exhaustion maybe, stress at work, resistance being broken down to the point of breaking. I dunno. Fortnight ago now, back on the wagon but damn it's pissed me off mightily that I'm back counting days just about to chalk up two weeks sober this weekend instead of being halfway through month three. FFS! :X
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Counting days is a sure way of losing sight of what's actually going on for you at the moment. I'm one day clean and I'll be one day clean tomorrow.
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Counting days is a sure way of losing sight of what's actually going on for you at the moment. I'm one day clean and I'll be one day clean tomorrow.
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I have never heard a more true statement.. I have NO long idea how long i've been clean, if i don't know, neither does my addiction, "one day at a time", and thats all it takes.. got me in trouble the last time.. never even think about it now.. just got to make it till a little bit from now.. IMO the slight benefit from recognizing the accomplishment of stringing days together may be lost if i look at that string of days and come to the conclusion "i got this".. but to each their own..
 
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omen_owen mk2 said:
Counting days is a sure way of losing sight of what's actually going on for you at the moment. I'm one day clean and I'll be one day clean tomorrow.
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"I don't count time because only prisoners count their time. and I'm already free."
 
I just sent friend requests to some of you who continue to inspire me. So how does that work? I feel like my BL friends are the only ones with whom I can share my feelings and thoughts with honestly. I hate having secrets...when I was sober, it felt so good to not have to hide anymore. I have put myself in a prison...with walls made out of guilt and bars made out of shame. I want that freedom back, but I have to be willing to walk through pain to get there.
 
Serotonin101 said:
"I don't count time because only prisoners count their time. and I'm already free."
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So far today I haven't had to put something in my body to alter my mind. It's been a pretty good day. I do feel like a prisoner sometimes though, to these sick thoughts that still run through my head.

Sometimes I wish there was an empty the can cap on the head where I could just drain stuff out for an hour or two. Nah, then I'd just be cheating my disease of suffering it's loss for yet another day. I hope I'm not developing some sort of mental disorder by talking about my disease as if it's a person in my head.
 
lot of people personify their disease. my old sponsor named his "Max" and would say like "Max is acting up today, had me searching for <insert drug paraphernalia> in a public bathroom just to check".
 
I just might name the little prick then. I'm thinking Fred might be the best name to go with. It's either Fred or Ozzie. Any opinions out there?
 
omen_owen mk2 said:
Counting days is a sure way of losing sight of what's actually going on for you at the moment. I'm one day clean and I'll be one day clean tomorrow.
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Serotonin101 said:
"I don't count time because only prisoners count their time. and I'm already free."
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Yeah, I hear you guys. Thanks for that. I guess the counting days thing is like a measure of how well I'm doing compared to previous attempts. When I hit three months sober for instance I was so chuffed with myself cos I'd fallen just short of three months the time out before that. What I should be taking from the relapses is how much control did I have when I started drinking, and how quickly did I arrest the slide. How pissed off was I with myself and how little I actually enjoyed it anyways. The general addiction is almost broken, I don't even desire a drink for the most part, rarely crave or find myself triggered but that just makes the slip even more annoying and difficult to understand the reasons for it. Just force of habit default coping mechanism still I guess when I feel a need for some light relief and a change in mood but I think I am mostly getting away from that. Cheers guys.

usedtobe said:
I just sent friend requests to some of you who continue to inspire me. So how does that work? I feel like my BL friends are the only ones with whom I can share my feelings and thoughts with honestly. I hate having secrets...when I was sober, it felt so good to not have to hide anymore. I have put myself in a prison...with walls made out of guilt and bars made out of shame. I want that freedom back, but I have to be willing to walk through pain to get there.
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Hey Usedtobe. Got your request and added you with pleasure. Glad you felt that way inclined, I must have said something right but can't think what it was might merit it? :) You don't get much in the way of additional perks I'm afraid, just my sparkling wit and repartee are now available from your friends list if ever you're in the mood for them. ;)
 
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Serotonin101 said:
did my forth and fifth step tonight. was great :D
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Congrats =D you're doing am amazing job... well been :)

So today I totally thought about relapsing. I was about to message my friend on facebook to see if I could get the ten dollars she owes me... but that was just an excuse to go use. I ended up not sending her a message. Oh well, its just ten dollars. Ten dollars I would just blow on another bag if I had it in my hands.
 
That's great Sero! At the time I just kind of "whatevered" 6 and 7 and jumped straight into 8. However, the more time I have away from drugs and the more times I study those steps, I see how amazing they are. Really, 6 and 7 and two of the most positive and important steps. It is where we get to rid ourselves of the things that keep us high and sick.
 
Much thanks to all of you. I do feel a lot lighter though. Feels good to be free of my past.
 
Hey everyone hope all is well. Almost done with the month of may. Besides being in a sober house my life is fucking mint these days, i got legit friends and a girl that really cares about me that has never fucked with drugs/booze. Parents are happy so I don't know what else to really ask for. I guess i'm not filthy rich which sucks but I'll get there :P Have a good day everyone.
 
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