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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread - Try and make it funny, eh?

I had a mate who was depressed once. So I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.
 
Simulate rape by trying to touch your girlfriend on her period.


Yeh I spend too long on sicki lol
 
What do you call a scouser wearing a suit?

The defendant.


Here's one for you gavatron..and no it isn't meant as criticism or insult, not that its content is that way inclined:)

New variety of candy just got brought out in oz, the worther's aboriginal.
Dictionary definition of a tone-deaf ozzy musician? a didgeridon't.

Always wanted to visit down under one day, the natural history and wildlife is most interesting. Not so many long-lived spiders to be caught as pets here, quite want a mouse spider myself. AFAIK the ozzy customs regulations are a bit of a cunt though, apparently very difficult to get export permits.


And damned if I couldn't make a good bit of cash out of ozzy snake venoms.
 
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.

Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunk!!
 
As the coffin was slowly being lowered into the grave at a traffic wardens funeral,A voice from inside the coffin screamed "I'M NOT DEAD.....I'M NOT DEAD!!!!!!"
To which the vicar smugly answered,"I am sorry my son, the paperwork has already been done!"
 
Why is a wonder bra called a wonder bra?

Because when she takes it off you wonder where her tits went.


A woman walks into a library and asks for a book on euphemisms.So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.



There's a program on Channel Four next week about battered husbands.
Please god, let at least one of the women be called Stella




I've just seen my neighbour unloading a 50 inch TV, apple computer and a leather sofa from his van...I asked him "since when have you been on benefits?"
 
images
 
As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said "Dan, I've failed you as a mother."

"Mum, my name is Dave."


Off to the hospital with the pregnant wife tomorrow for the twelve week scan.

I can't wait to see what we're having, a boy or an abortion.
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
 
whats the difference between people from Dubai and people for Abu Dhabi...........


Well people from Dubai don't like the Flintstones,


But people from Abu Dhabi do






(genius!)
 
Yuo can't blame Ryan Giggs for sleeping with Imogen Thomas, a girl whose name is an anagram of..................................... SMOOTH MINGE
 
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