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  • EADD Moderators: axe battler | Pissed_and_messed

The Joke Thread - Try and make it funny, eh?

was talking to a girl in the pub to nite and told here his looked like my little toe.

she asked was it because she was small and cute

i said no - i reckon a good chance i would bang you against my coffee table tonight when i was drunk.
 
this is nice:

What do a priest and a silver medallist have in common?


They both came in a little behind.
 
Have you heard , that there back together again, after all that shit ?



Who ?





The cheeks of my arse. !
 
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
 
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'
 
Who's the nicest guy in the Hospital?




The ultra-sound guy.



Who covers for him when he goes on holiday?



The hip replacement guy.
 
I went for a self defence class, last night.

The instructor said 'I want you to take me by surprise, and attack me'.

So, when I saw him in Sainsbury's, the next day, I threw a tin of beans at his head.
 
At the gym today , I met a lovely girl, we got chatting and she told me she'd joined to get a bit of weight off.
I asked if she had tried skipping. ?
She smiled and giggled and said, what with a rope like the boxers do ?

I said " no skipping a few meals you fat cunt" !
 
A man in a bar says to an exotic looking woman 'Hello, what's your name?'

She says 'My name.... is Carmen.... Why? Because I love ze cars. And I love ze men.
Tell me.... what is your name?'









'Beercunt'
 
jancrow said:
A man in a bar says to an exotic looking woman 'Hello, what's your name?'

She says 'My name.... is Carmen.... Why? Because I love ze cars. And I love ze men.
Tell me.... what is your name?'









'Beercunt'
Click to expand...

Hahahaha, pure pish joke but it made me fucking gut myself there =D
 
Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump, 'when I got to the door I couldn't jump. The 6'7" man
mountain black instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and says 'If you don't jump you're gonna get this baby right up your arse.".
Mick says, 'Did you jump?' Paddy says, 'A bit, when it first went in.'
 
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Christopher Reeve after a house fire
 
How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. But the lightbulb has to really want to change.
 
Two ravers in a club meet for the first time.
One says to the other "Hi, what's your name and what you on?"
The other replys "What was we talking about and you've not shagged my misses have you?"
 
Woman visits doctor.

"Doctor, i feel like a pair of curtains"

Doctor walks over,unzips his trousers and wipes his cock on her dress.
 
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