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The Joke Thread - Try and make it funny, eh?

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
 
Took the wife dogging for the first time last night.
Bit of a disaster really. She ran 3 of them over, while she was trying to park...
 
Dr Conrad Murray has been found guilty of the involuntary manslaughter of Michael Jackson. All attempts to blame it on the boogie failed.
 
After being kicked off X Factor for taking drugs, an insider suggested that Frankie Cocozza needs help.

I know just the doctor for him.
 
Brain StudyIt took me a few seconds, but then I got the hang of it.
Seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I’ve seen it with interjected numbers...which is sort of "F1gur471vly 5p34k1ng", what?

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! WOND3R 1F 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15?
 
^They claim that's an amazing phenomenon, that you can rearrange all the letters of any string of words at random and it will be legible, but it's actually carefully engineered.
 
There's two fish in a fishtank..
One fish turns to the other and says "I Don't Know How To Drive This Thing!"

What does Tiger Woods have the Princess Diana didn't?
A good driver.

And...

How do you know Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment. Bum dum-tis
 
Last edited:
>,< Fucked up on earlier post, was watching the history channel while typing it, guess who was on?
joke time.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says
here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
 
A farmer walks into his kitchen with a duck under his arm.
His wife goes, 'what are you doing?'.
Farmer says, 'this is the pig i'm fucking'.
Wife replies 'that isn't a pig, it's a duck.'
Farmer looks up at his wife, 'I wasn't talking to you'.
 
Some of these jokes are that old you should be ashamed coming out with them.



Frankie Cocozza sung A-Team on the X-Factor, coincidence that he in fact does go mad for a couple gram?



A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

- Now that's a top slag, take notes

stolen off the slag bible on fb.
 
Went to the chemist the other day, asked for a box of condoms. Chemist says "sure, what size?", and I say "extra large". So now I've got 500 condoms.
 
Went to the chemist the other day, asked for a box of condoms. Chemist says "sure, what size?", and I say "extra large". So now I've got 500 condoms.

=D

I keep seeing (pretty pish) jokes about this Frankie cunt. I have no idea who this character is other than he appears to be one of the pricks from X-Factor. Did he get caught with ching or something?
 
^^ sort of, he was backstage boasting about how much coke he'd been snorting, and there is a few photos in the papers of him wrecked off his head.
 
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