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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread - Try and make it funny, eh?

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
 
Why are there no eggs in Zimbabwe?
NSFW:
Because they cast off the yoke and threw out the whites.
 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
 
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
 
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
 
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
 
A woman was visiting a Cornish fishing village. She noticed that there was one particular stretch of water that no boats entered, and asked one of the local fishermen about it.

"Ar," said the old salt, "A couple of hundred year ago, there was a local philosopher, bit of a brainbox, name of Thomas Dolby. Well, he had a new theory one day, that logic was flawed and the universe simply didn't make sense. Anyway, he set sail one day to take his new anti-logic theories off to the new world. Well, the locals didn't like that one bit. So they tried to stop him. They all sailed their boats in a circle around him, trying to cut him off."

"What happened next?" asked the woman, wide-eyed.

"Well, all of a sudden, the skies turned black, and a great storm whipped up. And neither Dolby nor any one of those boats were ever seen again, not so much as a splinter. And ever since then, all the local fisherman have avoided that particular stretch of sea, and ever since then, it's been known as .....
NSFW:
Dolby Pro-Logic Surround Sound
"
 
I think that punchline was just about worth the effort of getting my poor old brain to hold all the details of that particularly tangled story! Just! :D
 
“My mates asked me to build a wooden platform out to sea,but I don't give in to pier pressure.”
 
Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob from your granny.
It feels great but for Christs sake don't look down.
 
Am shite at remembering jokes but my alltime fave joke is good enough to be worth a repost given it's been a few years since I first posted it...

Biology teacher gives the class a spider each, tells them to take it home and see what they can discover about arachnids. Next day class returns...

Teacher: So, Billy, what did you learn about your spider?

Billy: I learnt that spiders have eight legs, miss.

Teacher: Well done, Billy. What about you, Timmy? What did you discover?

Timmy: I discovered that spiders spin webs, miss.

Teacher: Very good, Timmy. And you, Johnny - what did you find out?

Johnny takes his spider out of the matchbox he's been keeping it in and puts it on the table then calls to it, "Here, Spidey! Here, Spidey!" and the spider scuttles across the table into his hands. Johnny puts the spider back on the table and... "Here, Spidey! Here, Spidey!" Once again Spidey scuttles across the table into his waiting hands.

Teacher: Yes, Johnny, that's very impressive but what did you learn from this?

Johnny: Hang on a minute, miss.

Then immediately pulls all the spider's legs off and places it back on the table and calls to it again: "Here, Spidey! Here, Spidey!". Spidey stays put. "Here, Spidey! Here, Spidey!". Spidey moves not a muscle.

Teacher: Johnny! That's so cruel! What can you possibly learn from such a vicious act?!?

Johnny: Well, miss, I learnt that if you pull all a spider's legs off it goes deaf.
 
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