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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread - Try and make it funny, eh?

In the car, I said to my wife, "You've been driving this haven't you?"

She said, "How do you know?"

I said, "Because the clutch is knackered."

She said, "Don't blame me, I've never used it."
 
In a weak moment Dr. Smith has sex with one of his patients.

"it's OK" says his darker conscience, "you're a young man under pressure with physical needs..."

"You sick bastard!" hisses his higher self "you're a fucking Veterinarian!"
 
Some Scouse cunts wrote "mong" all over my windows last night.

It took me ages to lick it off.
 
Mom catches young Billy fingering his sister vigorously...

Horrified she screams "ohmygod! You'd better have something incredible to say to make this all right!"

"It's all cool, Mom", says Billy, "I've actually just found Dad's wedding ring!"
 
LOL^

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
 
parttime crackhead said:
I was standing there, hands trembling, my wife due home from work any time now... I reached for my youngest daughter's top - it came off with little resistance.

Her training bra was my next hurdle. Hands still trembling, I gently unclipped it and unable to control my hands I watched it as it fell to the floor.

Her short little skirt was next, I reached out and slid it off. As I ran my hands slowly over her My Little Pony panties I could feel they were already really, really damp...

NSFW:
Anyway, I'd better finish getting the rest of the washing in - it's raining and my Parkinsons isn't making it any easier.
Click to expand...

Fucking funny as hell! ROLFING!
 
billabong, I UAd one of your posts, both because racial slurs aren't cool and because it wasn't funny.
 
Old dude hires a hitman to kill his hateful wife of 37 years...
"I'll shoot her directly under the left breast" explains the hitman.
Whoa! says the old dude, "I want her dead, not fucking kneecapped!"
 
Vader said:
billabong, I UAd one of your posts, both because racial slurs aren't cool and because it wasn't funny.
Click to expand...
It made me laugh, but then again, when I go to a headshop people think I'm a narc, so I'm clearly also tres uncool... woe is me a loser online, and off! Fuck it I'll just rip a bong...
 
If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road'

Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.
 
What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off


Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother!
 
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 
Vader said:
billabong, I UAd one of your posts, both because racial slurs aren't cool and because it wasn't funny.
Click to expand...

I have just deleted one of the jokes from billabong too as it was a racial 'joke'. Come on, lets keep it clean, I was enjoying the seemingly joke off between you and Lazygit a little higher up this page.
 
QUOTE OF THE YEAR:

"and then God created the orgasm,
so that women can moan even when they are happy."
 
What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?

There's only one Bender in Futurama.


I saw a homeless dwarf masturbating last night.

Dirty little wanker I thought.
 
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