Sounds like you're suffering from anxiety more than withdrawal.
Exactly how long were you on benzos? One or two weeks? On average 5mg of diaz a day (besides the xanax and keeping in mind nitrazepam is the same strength?
Also 5mg is a pretty small dose, if that takes away the nagging feeling then I'd say its mainly anxiety and rebound anxiety you're experiencing.
Its just when I was going through benzo withdrawal there was no way I could even leave the house, let alone drive or go to subway etc
No the benzo dosages I showed were only from the point I started logging. I've been using benzos for the best part of possibly a year, but only since stopping GBL did my usage spike. When I stopped GBL I also pretty much replaced it with alcohol and would use benzos for hangovers (GBL/benzos are fucking immediate hangover cure). It's a vicious circle.
So anyway, I think since last posting I was binging on booze on Thursday, drank a 35cl of vodka, beer and shit loads of wine. Still felt strange and couldn't sleep. Had remnants of some valium I found in my uni bag, would have been anything between 4-8mg I'd guess. I quickly managed to sleep after that.
Friday I didn't feel hungover at all but was still getting bad anxiety and confused thought processes. In fact to be perfectly honest I spent the day manically depressed and borderline suicidal. It didn't help that I was travelling (as passenger) on a 3 hour journey to bury my Granny 8). I decided that I was going to do everything in my power on the friday to have no substances whatsoever. I had 3 x 1mg xanax tablets as an emergency should I hit mad delirium or something. Come 11pm I felt pretty damn weird and decided to try sleep. Was actually relatively tired. Sleep was just not happening though and I lay awake for hours wriggling, constantly picturing bizarre final destination style painful thoughts. Each thought would make me sort of have to wriggle/shake, it was like a way to get rid of the bad energy. I started listening to Ricky Gervais podcasts on my ipod trying to distract my mind but still no sleep. Eventually about 4am I gave in and decided to have 0.5mg xanax, as an experiment more than anything. I took it sublingually and sure enough within a matter of minutes my mind started to clear, I stopped having to clench my hands and feet and started feeling sane mentally. Slept quite quickly.
Saturday I felt a lot better, had to bury my granny and remarkedly coped find even when others were crying. Possibly the small dose of xanax I was on made me numb, but I imagined myself collapsing into some mess so I was delighted with myself. I even had to lower her ashes into the ground 8) (this is starting to sound like an x factor sob story).
I went the whole of Sat with nothing again. Went to bed about midnight last night. I started getting anxiety, bizarre thoughts etc but they were less severe and I tried blocking them out. I could tell I was starting to fall asleep but each time I did so I'd find myself getting really confused and stuck in an odd state of consciousness. Luckily though I slept for the first time in a while not on anything.
Today I feel fucking great
. I can think about these painful mental images and they don't really give me the same thoughts of pain. I feel muich more normal and I'm not really depressed anymore.
And that's where I am now.
MY benzo use was always relatively moderate but still quite frequent, and I was randomly using 3 different types of benzos. Combined with daily GBL use and nearly nightly heavy drinking.
I think as much as anything else my brain is just trying to sort itself out, my GABA activity must be all over the place. The fact I haven't drunk alcohol since Thursday night and suddenly feel much better suggests it was the problem as much as anything else.
Sorry if I have bored any of you, but tbh I didn't see the point in living a couple of days ago and thought I was going insane and feel I'm on some sort of path to normality now. AND I FEEL FUCKING LIBERATED
.
Things might get worse again, I don't know. One day at a time
STAY STRONG
