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Social The Dark Side Social Thread v. Darksiders Forever

And what do you do of the subconscious of Jung or whatever?.. No man if there's were just a question of choice then nobodoby would wonder... I just feel it's like your said AND more than you're saying.... Sticking to conviction is nice, it's also been called being mad, you have to have some doubt on you bro"
 
On the surface, things are good in my life and I'm pursuing new opportunities. I really couldn't ask for a better situation to turn my life around in. I'm totally sober, and I'm working on getting back into school.

But something... just isn't right. I don't know if I'm simply lonely, depressed, or what. But I can't seem to crack a smile or have joy in about anything.

It's hard to put into words without becoming a self-gratifying complainer. I just don't know what to do anymore. Some of the regret I was dealing with has been taken care of, but something's still dragging me down. Idk.
 
Possibly because my circle shrunk so much when I was using until it was just one person, and now I have to rebuild all of my interpersonal relationships and it's not easy at all.
 
deficiT said:
On the surface, things are good in my life and I'm pursuing new opportunities. I really couldn't ask for a better situation to turn my life around in. I'm totally sober, and I'm working on getting back into school.

But something... just isn't right. I don't know if I'm simply lonely, depressed, or what. But I can't seem to crack a smile or have joy in about anything.

It's hard to put into words without becoming a self-gratifying complainer. I just don't know what to do anymore. Some of the regret I was dealing with has been taken care of, but something's still dragging me down. Idk.
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I was like this when I started to recover. I felt better, I was eating and sleeping better but there was this nagging thing always missing and it would bug the shit out of me. I would get so irritated because i was like damn, I'm not on drugs and doing so much better so why do i still have this pit of despair in my stomach.

After a week or two I simply realized that I still really missed getting high and my mind hadn't been able to fill that hole yet. I actually didn't start to feel " normal " again until about 6 months later. Where I could feel joy again in the little things or wake up and not want a pill. Being clean is a physically good feeling but it takes our mind longer to catch up. That gray matter keeps us thinking about things even when we aren't even aware. Sneaky little bastard, that brain.

Maybe you just need a bit more time. You have come so far and I , for one, am proud of you. I know you are too.
 
deficiT said:
Possibly because my circle shrunk so much when I was using until it was just one person, and now I have to rebuild all of my interpersonal relationships and it's not easy at all.
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This really resonates with me. When I quit I had to distance myself from everyone. They all used, in one way or another, and I just couldn't be tempted if I was to succeed. So now I have to really work hard to engage with other people because I don't have the drugs to make me more sociable and I am an introvert at heart, even though I try to be an extrovert. It does really make things more difficult to get back into social circles without the little pick me ups that we were using. Stay strong, man. I guess it will get easier for both of us.
 
deficiT said:
On the surface, things are good in my life and I'm pursuing new opportunities. I really couldn't ask for a better situation to turn my life around in. I'm totally sober, and I'm working on getting back into school.

But something... just isn't right. I don't know if I'm simply lonely, depressed, or what. But I can't seem to crack a smile or have joy in about anything.

It's hard to put into words without becoming a self-gratifying complainer. I just don't know what to do anymore. Some of the regret I was dealing with has been taken care of, but something's still dragging me down. Idk.
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Hey.

I'm familiar with what's been going on with you during recent times. Stating this purely so that you know I'm not simply jumping in here for the sake of it.

I also know you're as legit as they come. You may not remember this but I do. I went through a period last year and you were the only person that noticed. And we'd actually had little to fuck all to do with each other so it's not like we were bosom buddies at the time. Point being: it meant a lot. And I figure a thank you and a compliment is in order (even if the same brings you only a few seconds of a smile on your dial when you read this).

I don't know if what I'm about to post is going to help any. But it's worth a shot. Bearing in mind also that this based purely on my own experience and theories.

Once you've gone down a substance abuse rabbit hole there's an expectation that once you've tunneled your way out of the same then everything is going to be just fine and that the universe, as if by magic, is going to come and give you a pat on the back for your trouble. It doesn't work that way. And when you finally come to realize this: not only is it a disappointment but it could very well end up being the cause of a relapse. Something along the lines of "well I'm sober now, life is still shit, so what's the point". I believe that's been the cause of more than just a few relapses.

I also have another theory and something which I've thought about more than once and in some odd way has brought me comfort from time to time over the years. Once you've gone down a substance abuse rabbit hole and have tunneled your way out: at that point you're only at baseline. I tend to think of it like a checking account with an overdraft facility. Everyone starts with a zero balance. Those of us that have gone down a substance abuse rabbit hole went into overdraft. Once you've tunneled your way out of said substance abuse rabbit hole: you're back to a zero balance (this being the baseline to which I referred to). From there it's heavy lifting to get the account into credit. And it's made more difficult by seeing others that started at the baseline, never went into overdraft, and started building their credit balance from the get go. And in addition: time waits for no man. So not only are you only getting to baseline but you've less time to build than others have had. Worth mentioning just in case somebody falls into the trap of comparing themselves to others who have not had the misfortune of going into said overdraft.

The long and short of this: manage expectations wisely and realistically. No sane person that I know of ever intentionally goes into said overdraft. But obviously it happens. And unfortunately there's a price to pay. And that catching up, wiping out the overdraft and getting just back to baseline, is it.

And while the following may appear as though it comes straight out of the pages of some random recovery site: it doesn't i.e. my own work I assure you:

Never discount the damage that a substance could have done over the years physically. I know I've been pretty cavalier around these parts about my own past. But there's a part of me that wonders if decades of use hasn't taken its toll and without even immediately being aware of this possibility until years and years later i.e. after decades of abstinence. And this could very well manifest itself in the form of depression. Never discount the possibility that due to said possible damage over the years that depression is a physical manifestation of such damage and it's very very real. And should this be the case: ironically, in my opinion, it's only big pharma. that can provide the necessary relief (I use the word "relief" purposely as opposed to "cure" because I don't believe there exists such a thing i.e. a "cure" for permanent damage having being done). Point here being: maybe you are indeed just depressed. But don't take it lightly or dismiss the possibility out of hand. It will finish you off one way or the other on its own. And of course: there's the obvious i.e. the underlying reasons for resorting to substance use and abuse in the first place. Those don't just disappear as if by magic and suddenly just because one is now sober.

So yeah. I'm pleased to see how far you've come and where you're at now. And I agree to just give yourself more time too (and hopefully I've given a reason or two, if not a practical explanation or two, above for saying this and agreeing with @Pumpkin2021's input as already given with respect to giving yourself more time).
 
@deficiT what really helped me was finding purpose in my life and taking responsibility for it. I think that might be something to think about. I can't recommend Jordan Peterson videos enough!
 
deficiT said:
The worst part is all of the regret and guilt, I feel like a monster, rightfully so. Idk I'm just dwelling on things, and the depressions are engulfing entire days now. I'm not actively suicidal but I'm thinking about it a lot. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to figure something out because I can't live like this.
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Snafu of the Forest said:
We ruminate, and it's so bad for us.

Think about what you're going to do, not what you have done. What's the saying? "The courage to accept the things we cannot change."?

There's one major thing that keeps me from staying in that loathing mindset: thinking about the future.

I have not forgotten what I have done, nor can I...but if I were to remind myself of it every day I probably would have killed myself years ago.

Ask yourself bro: is it serving you to think about all the bad things you did? Is it constructive? Decide to be better. That's the only lesson here in dark old memories. Don't walk among the black roses all day lest you become one yourself.

We are both still blessed with youth and opportunities.
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I'm posting a link here to one of my own threads. I feel the content and the message is important enough to reiterate it here. If nothing else: it addresses the above 100% spot on. And for all I know: nobody saw the original thread.

Mental Health - How to recover from and possibly even prevent depression

YouTube's algorithm in its infinite wisdom and for reasons beyond me somehow decided to squeeze the below in between my usual suggested viewing preferences (no prize for guessing those). Given the oddity I decided to watch it. If you are suffering from depression or want to understand it and...
www.bluelight.org www.bluelight.org

I promise you: I wouldn't have posted it (again) if I didn't feel it was worth its salt. Don't dismiss it out of hand. This isn't my usual shit that gets posted I assure you (in spite of the thread going slightly sideways but that's usual when I'm involved I guess). It's the lecture that's important i.e. the rest, at least that which I posted, is just noise. Not psychobabble bullshit either. And interesting to note that the dude is not anti-pharma. either. But he puts a lot of things into perspective and gives names to things and identifies certain things (things which maybe us mere mortals cannot quite describe in our own words but are acutely aware of and just not able to comprehend nor put into words or accurately describe to somebody else).
 
Do you ever get that pall hanging over ya in the AM that kinda lingers? The feeling and realization that your best just isn't enough? And ya feel like a real loser for consistently letting down the few people that ya really care about?
Yeah, I know it's the human condition and all that but this doesn't keep those tears from flowing. One would think that this dark start to mornings would pass over time as "enlightenment" was injected into the equation but it seems this is not the case.

This is rhetorical and honestly I just wanted to express this in a relatively healthy concrete way before shit hits the fan and we get caught up in the confusion of the day.
Much love
 
6am-64-14m said:
Do you ever get that pall hanging over ya in the AM that kinda lingers? The feeling and realization that your best just isn't enough? And ya feel like a real loser for consistently letting down the few people that ya really care about?
Yeah, I know it's the human condition and all that but this doesn't keep those tears from flowing. One would think that this dark start to mornings would pass over time as "enlightenment" was injected into the equation but it seems this is not the case.

This is rhetorical and honestly I just wanted to express this in a relatively healthy concrete way before shit hits the fan and we get caught up in the confusion of the day.
Much love
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I'm sorry you're feeling that way today dude. You seem like a really good guy, I hope you feel better about yourself and life soon. Be kind to yourself <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
I'm sorry you're feeling that way today dude.
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Hey, thanks. It happens more often than I care to admit but do. ;) For decades. I think they tried to fix me but maybe I find some form of comfort in this. Maybe I hold shit to remind me of what kind of monster I can be. I don't know but not sure I wanna let that go. It's like my closest and most reliable friend as sick as that may seem. After the tears dry the world always seems a little brighter.
Checkin out that video that dalpat posted. See if I can glean a little more insight into this crazy talk. :sneaky:
 
6am-64-14m said:
Do you ever get that pall hanging over ya in the AM that kinda lingers? The feeling and realization that your best just isn't enough? And ya feel like a real loser for consistently letting down the few people that ya really care about?
Yeah, I know it's the human condition and all that but this doesn't keep those tears from flowing. One would think that this dark start to mornings would pass over time as "enlightenment" was injected into the equation but it seems this is not the case.

This is rhetorical and honestly I just wanted to express this in a relatively healthy concrete way before shit hits the fan and we get caught up in the confusion of the day.
Much love
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Your post just reminded me of something (although it was probably more the wording that triggered my thoughts but for all I know maybe you were being literal as well).

I don't know where ya'll live. But something else to consider and that's very rarely spoken about and for many years was dismissed out of hand. But it's a very real thing and affects some a lot more than others. "Seasonal Affective Disorder" or "SAD" (the irony of the acronym has never been lost on me). If you've never heard of it: look it up. It's been well researched. And given the myriad of possible symptoms: it could very well be an issue for some but that could be mistaken for something else more serious and could lead to making or diagnosing problems or issues when this is all there is to it and nothing more serious.

Guess the main reason for mentioning it: you poor bastards in the Northern Hemisphere are heading for Winter (shorter days and longer nights) i.e. the sun is moving down South since 21 June thank fuck! Fine if Winter is your thing in life and you're used to it of course. But that doesn't apply across the board even if you're used to short days and long nights. And for those that don't know about it or have never heard about it: it correlates real nice with the ebb and flow of suicide rates in certain countries. Throw in this fucking pandemic and what it's done to far too many people psychologically in the last eighteen months or more? Well you get the picture I'm sure.

www.mayoclinic.org

Steps to keep your mood and motivation steady throughout the year-Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) - Symptoms & causes - Mayo Clinic

This type of depression is related to changes in seasons and begins and ends at about the same times every year.
www.mayoclinic.org www.mayoclinic.org
 
dalpat077 said:
Your post just reminded me of something (although it was probably more the wording that triggered my thoughts but for all I know maybe you were being literal as well).

I don't know where ya'll live. But something else to consider and that's very rarely spoken about and for many years was dismissed out of hand. But it's a very real thing and affects some a lot more than others. "Seasonal Affective Disorder" or "SAD" (the irony of the acronym has never been lost on me). If you've never heard of it: look it up. It's been well researched. And given the myriad of possible symptoms: it could very well be an issue for some but that could be mistaken for something else more serious and could lead to making or diagnosing problems or issues when this is all there is to it and nothing more serious.

Guess the main reason for mentioning it: you poor bastards in the Northern Hemisphere are heading for Winter (shorter days and longer nights) i.e. the sun is moving down South since 21 June thank fuck! Fine if Winter is your thing in life and you're used to it of course. But that doesn't apply across the board even if you're used to short days and long nights. And for those that don't know about it or have never heard about it: it correlates real nice with the ebb and flow of suicide rates in certain countries. Throw in this fucking pandemic and what it's done to far too many people psychologically in the last eighteen months or more? Well you get the picture I'm sure.

www.mayoclinic.org

Steps to keep your mood and motivation steady throughout the year-Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) - Symptoms & causes - Mayo Clinic

This type of depression is related to changes in seasons and begins and ends at about the same times every year.
www.mayoclinic.org www.mayoclinic.org
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Spot on. Lot of folks in my neck of the woods have SAD on the regular in the winter. And indeed it is coming. I however am lucky as it doesn't affect me. Dr's around these parts usually recommend florescent lighting in homes, opening the curtains wide on sunny days and generally just getting as much daylight as you possibly can. Good point.
 
Pumpkin2021 said:
Spot on. Lot of folks in my neck of the woods have SAD on the regular in the winter. And indeed it is coming. I however am lucky as it doesn't affect me. Dr's around these parts usually recommend florescent lighting in homes, opening the curtains wide on sunny days and generally just getting as much daylight as you possibly can. Good point.
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I figured it was worth a mention. It's something I've been acutely aware of for a very very long time. But it's always amazed me at how many people look at me like I'm high or something when I mention the Summer and Winter Solstices! Somewhere there's research floating about in which it's purported that we need a certain amount of light hours per day otherwise we go tilt i.e. not well designed on that score apparently! :ROFLMAO: I know for me it's a very real thing if the truth be told. And as unique as I may think I am: over the years I've come to realize that I'm not really! :ROFLMAO: Well alright that was a joke of course! But I'm sure you get it! :cool:
 
dalpat077 said:
I figured it was worth a mention. It's something I've been acutely aware of for a very very long time. But it's always amazed me at how many people look at me like I'm high or something when I mention the Summer and Winter Solstices! Somewhere there's research floating about in which it's purported that we need a certain amount of light hours per day otherwise we go tilt i.e. not well designed on that score apparently! :ROFLMAO: I know for me it's a very real thing if the truth be told. And as unique as I may think I am: over the years I've come to realize that I'm not really! :ROFLMAO: Well alright that was a joke of course! But I'm sure you get it! :cool:
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We are all unique. It is only our trials and tribulations that make us the same. 🥰
 
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