This is hard for me to type out but I feel it necessary
About 7 years ago, whilst at university, I and a friend took a dose of what we were lead to believe was LSD.
The events that followed were intense to a high degree, but never seemed to me to fit the common descriptions of LSD, as I will propound.
Residual effects and meditation have lead me back to researching chemicals sold as LSD and the best fit seems to be DOM.
Hence why I am here.
It was my first time taking """LSD""", and my friend convinced me that we should go for a decent dose - so that we would definately feel it.
Well... I definately felt it.
A brief background, I was experienced in taking a pharmacopia of drugs but inexperienced with hallucinogens, having tried Mushrooms, salvia and maybe others, as well as 'the usual suspects' of party drugs.
I had also had intense revelatory experiences and believe[d] myself to be somewhat enlightened - outside of artificial influence.
Now to the experience.
We took 3 tabs each, of unknown dosage, in my friends flat
After sitting around and doing very little for about 2 hours, I began to feel uncomfortable.
Unable to assuage the feeling, I felt like returning to my flat - in the same building. I remember leaving the room and feeling strange, the elevator ride was definately different to normal, and the carpets were intriguing both in colour and texture.
At my flat, I had a sense of unspent energy, that I should be doing something, moreover I should be providing entertainment for my friend who was mostly silent.
I eventually started playing Halo, whilst he watched, at this point I was having some visual hallucinations, blurring and skipping of the eyes.
[Those of a sensitive disposition, or who don't want to read about bad trips look away now]
Within the game, I became distressed that people were killing me and relishing it, why would they want to kill me?
Furthermore, I was losing the ability to control my character, and kept walking off a tower, then respawning at the top of the tower, just to see my virtual body fall and crumple in a heap, whilst a war raged around me. [don't play violent video games on a mega-trip].
Then the question rose in my mind, Why do I keep falling off the tower / why do I keep killing myself?
We laughed about it, I somewhat more nervously than him, and our conversation was very fractured, becoming increasingly incoherent.
At around this point, the feelings of social anxiety, physical uncomfortableness took over. I wasn't having such a groovy time.
I said to my friend that I think it would be best if he left. I felt I needed to be in my own headspace. This was somewhat misguided.
I was now alone and still the sensations were heightening, I remember looking around my room, seeing an empty crisp packet on the floor and it revealing some deep anguish with my 'state of affairs', living in a percieved squalor.
I also remember a great sense of fear at looking in the mirror, at what I might see, I can't recall what I did see, but I later remember seeing no 'me' in the reflection at all (I presume visual hallucination pertaining to ego death)
Some hours into this anguished state of pacing around my room, feeling as if my body/soul were jumping out of my skin, unable to settle at all and slipping in and out of perception and darkness, I decidedto take a shower.
It didn't really help, although it distracted my body somewhat.
Within the shower cubicle, sat on the floor, the previous experience from the video game came to haunt me. I was having dark imagery, dark thoughts, and in particular a conviction that I was having a bad trip.
I was worried that, due to my bad trip, I would somehow, "slip" from my consciousness, whilst still aware, and "accidently" climb up to the top floor of my tower block, "accidently" find the trapdoor in the roof, climb out and fall off.
The harder I tried to escape this paranoia, the tighter it gripped until it was a strong visualisation, the route from my flat, up the stairs and so on. I was in control of myself, but felt like that control was a mere wisp from slipping away from me, somewhat like my mind had engendered a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It was no fun. I remained in my room (thank goodness), and turned on a Religious themed Drum and Bass album, lots of choirs, screeching basslines and quotes from the requiem mass. At this point my grasp of reality had gone far West and I could do little but sit on my deskchair twitching, agitated beyond description mentally, trying to both battle and ignore the overwhelming sense I was going to run up to the roof and ...
I listened to the album a few times through, smoked a number of joints - which barely hit the sides, I could hardly feel the inhale or effects, but it was something to do, I was quite amazed I could still roll in my state.
At this point I had been awake for about 24+something hours, I can't quantify, but I was extremely sleep-deprived and had headaches, muscle aches and so on. I knew I had to sleep, that I could be able to wake up the next day and be better, I think I'd passed the peak.
It took many hours of clutching my head, curled in bed, alone, dark and afraid, focussing on meditation towards sleep - something that doesn't happen if you try too hard. It was here that I had the most intense auditory halluciations.
A hangover from the intense music, every single noise, or percieved noise, rattled off into a filigree of vibrations, stretching to infinity. As it was becoming daytime, streetnoises were present and each was its own chaotic disharmonic symphony, with religious undertones.
I eventually managed to get to sleep, starving but not hungry.
My only memory of the next day was sitting on the kitchen counter, barely able to speak to my housemates, barely dressed.
Now I come to the real reason for posting here.
I never had vertigo or mental issues before. I'd had depression but very generalised (mainly due to society & school).
Since this trip, I have gained an intense sense of vertigo when I go near high edges, and on planes. I've gained a great fear that I might throw myself off high places, especially when sleep deprived it manifests a lot more strongly. I needn't be close to an edge for my mind to wander back to the paranoia that I might unconsciously seek out the high place/edge, and my instinct to quell the thought again reinforces it.
It has been 7 years, and that side effect has only weakend slightly. I have gained coping mechanisms, mainly avoiding high places, and meditation strategies.
However, I took truffles (the 'legal' derivative of psylocibin mushrooms vended in Amsterdam), and aside from the fractal geometry and one-ness, had the same feeling, the same vertiginous side effects.
This has sworn me off hallucinogens for good, for fear of reactivating the effect, I feel I'm slowly getting better without them, and really strongly do not wish to take any strong trip again.
I feel that, having read through the reams of experience accounts and information, that what we took was DOM.
This was due to the lack of strong visual hallucinations, beyond blurs and jitters (I'm lead to believe that LSD has fractal tie-dye effects), as well as the death imagery, the physical symptoms and so on.
It's possible I took something else in the DOx family, but it definately wasn't LSD.
The reason I posted here was because I see a lot of people saying things along the lines of
>"Such an intense account really makes me want to try it"
I would seriously advise against it, unless you are a seasoned mind traveller and have accurate means of dosing.
I have been left with permanent side effects in the category of vertigo as well as an inability to take hallucinogens. Furthermore, nothing was 'revealed' to me that I had not already come by through meditation and reading etc.
Thanks for reading, I hope I haven't spooked anybody, remember, you'll eventually wake up and be alright! Make sure to let others know around you what you're up to. And for the love of all that is good, don't play violent video games whilst taking high doses of unknown hallucinogens!
Maximum love to all
