in my life i have done many bad thngs but when i did 95mg of 3meo-pcp i never want to to do a drug like this again for a long long time again.
it was like livinging my enitire lifetime time and finding that everything you realised and imagined is is true. you got to the most infinitesimal part of your brain. the very core of your life fromwhere it begang, you an see how you structured it how you created it it to what it is now and just when you think its over and you'e tortutred yourself enough, your mind is completely and utterrly unturned, untwisted and it repells all the darkness and dimnesss that you may gave felt and it took me to the the brink of my mind, of my sanity, of the dge of existence when ntohing else coudl exist jut thoguhts and pattenrs. even then they were being accumulated anot being processed. jus tideas being thrown around. i thought I had everythign figured out in my head, thought that you guys had everything figured out in your heads. it burns you inside and out.
it's like seeing the blueprint of your existence and where you've come so far, and how far you;ve beeen, and then having these thoguhts seared into your brain through the use of a hot iron rod burned intot be brain like they do cattle branding. i feeel i have melted and frazzled my brain and turned it into jelly then remoulded it, and reconstructed it so alll the crap has been taken out with the garbage
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ok guys i', trying tring write this as honestly asnd and openly as possibble. my brain ha sbeenfried beyond belief, but no tiwhout success. i have relived, and reinvigigorated amy memories from when i was a child. you have no understanding of how valuable these memories are to me especialy since i re lived them. i reacquainted with my dead friends, my old friends, my forgottten friends.. my brain still feeels frazzled. all nihgt i went on a 3-meo-pcp bender and must have cried half the night thinking i was some kinda failure, and thne spent the other half of the night laughing and cheering like i was a kid again. i have never laughed so much in my life, and never like when i was a child again. it's such a beautiful morning and that's not something i say often. i often look at the world with "another day survivvied". i twas the mos tmazing and intoxicating exeriencing of my life. nothing, nothing in my life has ever been like this. no teven with lsd.
i was remembering old foootball matches that i would watch as child on tv on my uncles 80s phillips colour television. even the matches that i saw in black and white were in colour thank to to some re-enactment from diferent peple i have met in my life playing as actors in my real life as important people. i had coloured them in thanks to phoptoshop techniques in my brain. my pooor,wonderful, nbeautiful brain that has been abusd soo so so smuch and i will nevere vere abusit like this again. but for once all tghe "dead" receptors were reawakened that had been numbed by antipsychotic medication and SSRIs. what was once in dull, maude colour, i s now in bright white and elecgtryfying colour.
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i feel reborn, reawakened, reenglightened, renewed and refreshed. it's like a i had blank slate all my life, and there was no colour in my brain, na nowthat slate has been written with scribbles, and dooodles, and notes and memoeoriesand references that seem from time ago, thingsi never considered, optiononed or remembered. but i have a life, i hve hada life, an exicting a collourfulone and one that has been dulll ed by htese fucking antispychs and SSRIs. I have been reawakeneed almost you could say..
my body is still tinglinging with electrcitity the likes and pains i've never felt before like m whole body has bs been retuned to rebooot me, and make me capture my life better. to make best of what few years i have left. to feel sympathy,empathy, remorse, and regret. it's fucking beautiful and wonderful. i thought i had died so many times. bu ti was just the journey. i thought the trip had ended when i sat on the shittter and couldnt squeeze one out with any effort, but realised it was simply a phase of the trip i had to make. a journey, a mountain i had to climb to get to where i am right now. i feeel like jesuss and i shold be giving a sermon on what is light and the power of god or whatever, but i wont,because i dont need to. i still dont believe in god, bu thtere is somthing outhere that loves me so much that its willlling to let me fry my brain and hope i reorder and retore my life the way i want it it to be.
i slept like a fuckingbaby, bu ti tripped for like 9 hours of my life. i haventgcvered everythign i havent mentionedverythign but i hope you see that 3-meo-pcpis fuckign magical, ownderful and specialand should not be abused. i'll try and right mor eclear thoughts later when i've rested, sleeeping is one thing but my brain needs rest right now. seriously. it's like the second coming of me.
