Hey everyone who has recently ceased daily use!!
It's been about 17 days or so since my last use...
I've continued my kratom habit(and it feels like I have a major tolerance now without the NMDA antagonist present) and have been eating much healthier!
I also have more hope about my living situation and saw a psychiatrist (nurse practitioner) and basically doubled the strength of my meds(currently at 100mg lamictal and 2mg Intuniv). So I spent the last month of two months using 3meopcp being on 50mg lamictal and 1mg Intuniv.
I feel pretty OK! I now have anxiety that I had before resurfacing.... It's so hard for me not to be twitchy!! But I've always had this problem... The first couple days I was pretty bored, had cravings, depression, a flat feeling... Lately I've been better! I have had some suicidal ideation but I've had that for a long time off and on. I've had some rough days but it's not so bad, probably thanks to kratom.
I find that (of course) staying busy, socializing, eating properly, and avoiding moments of just thinking(like browse the internet or Facebook instead of laying in bed) are essential for me now.
I have a terrible memory but my slipping up of words isn't so bad lately....
And now that I am reflecting on it, I have spent quite a bit of my sober time being "depressed". Laying in bed all day, not wanting to go outside, avoiding doing the things I should do and waiting until it's nearly too late.
I'm happy to have tossed my doses though because I know I lack self control. The days leading up to my final day had been rather horrible... A lot of depression and suicidal ideation while high. Planning my death and craving self harm. Even had cravings for 3meopcp that were totally insane. 3 hours after a dose I often felt this surge of anxiety and crawling of my skin like I GOTTA HAVE IT!! I believe this was because my adopted coping mechanism for depression, anxiety, cravings, boredem, anything, was to snort a little bump. Or maybe a come down.
Either way I found the drug, being used daily, to cause a lot of depression while using it. I had periods of non-daily at first that were straight hypomanic... If I only I hadn't used everyday and just took a break, I might have never tossed it and I could be high right now!!! Oh god!!
I believe what caused a lot of the negative effects were the stimulant properties of 3meopcp. About a year ago(May 28th) I had my last use with methamphetamine. My meth abuse was riddled with paranoia and schizo symptoms, even hearing voices without knowing it. I truly believed the neighbors were providing a dialogue of my actions(there he is shooting up again, look at him making food!!)
I had experiences with caffeine causing similar paranoia and dissociation even 6 months post getting completely clean.
So I believe the dopaminergic effects were mostly causing me negative responses to the drug(3meopcp). In that, when meth/cocaine abuse turns into mostly negative effects, a period of abstinence and then return to the drug, quickly leads back to the negative effects(paranoia instead of euphoria).
I kept abusing it, even in high doses and IV regardless of feeling suicidal every night or dealing with bouts of confusion, and a couple catatonic and near hole/or maybe it was hole, doses.
Clearly I have a lot of self destructive behavior.
The night before I tossed both of my 3-meo's I went catatonic from an IV dose. I had done an injection, felt great and dissociative, a little confused, and went ahead and made another shot, probably the same dose.... Made it from the bathroom back to my room and got stuck standing there, feeling... I can't remember these "holes" too well but it was insane in the head. Like I had no idea who I was or what was going on with my life and some other reality takes over... Completely strange although I kind of liked it the few or many times it happened to me.
If only I didn't abuse this drug to get so damned high so often!! I fucking truly love it! But I can't handle it with the seemingly subtleness of it and all.
Okay such a long post, must be the kratom!? Thank you for reading if you did and... Perhaps 3-ho-pcp will be much safer for me to use

!!