thinking about ending my life. I get that many many people will reply to this saying"Oh its OK! Just live it up man! Its worth it!!" Is it? Is it, when, literally every single little fucking thing I do makes me mad? Yeah, crazy right? I piss myself off more than anybody, because everything I hate in this world, I am a perfect representation of. I`m always judging people without knowing them, like man why is he so fat? Or wow that guy looks cracked out. I literally used to be 300lbs, and I`m more cracked out most of the time than most fucking people ever will be. Not that I smoke meth, but through smoking every little tiny fucking little bit of weed I can find, Smoking tobacco on fucking top of that has just turned my brain to mush. You might think, oh its just a couple darts stop complaining. Nope! Not this fucken junkie! From day one, Ive been running that shit through bongs, as well as weed and sometimes just random pills I find in the medicine cabinet. Why not, right? Might as fucken well. All my friends through highschool have thought I was just the most fucked kid around because of these ridiculous bowls I smoke. I`m not even kidding, I`ll fill the bowl with tobacco, stamp it down with my finger till I cant anymore, then shove as much weed (sometimes among other things) as I can on top. I smoke these bowls in one breath! I`m not showing off or anything either, this isnt me beating my chest. Shits fucking disgusting. if I saw somebody else doing what I do, I`d call that person a fucking idiot. On top of it all, my family hates me and they should. God gifted me with the worst case of bipolar I can imagine; one where you`re either the coolest guy around, a guy that everybody wants to see, or a raging monster that nobody wants to see. Over the years, the emotional damage and the physical property that ive destroyed of my own families.... I cant live with it. Why would I? Theres nothing left for me here. Nothing but heartbreak and sorrow, and not just for me. Theres no point in going any farther with this lie of a life thats been cruelly laid out before me. My only hope is I can find peace through 30-something antipsychotics, and fading to nothingness. Thats another thing. I didnt even know quetiapine was an antipsychotic! Only found out through this forum when I posted about them. Thats what the doctors are trying to fix, eh? Psychopathic tendencies? Fuck that, just another bullshit sedative they give to moody teenagers to make them shut the fuck up. Theres no fixing a person like me, only living with the reality of it. Which is something I cannot do, and even if I could, I refuse.