Fwiw, and I promise no fake or dreamy dramatisation ever, I have veered many times always always though only seeking a better stepping stone.
Last last resort basically.
Yesterday was the outright most fearless about it I've been stirred ever yet.
By fearless, I mean discarding knowing the weight and impact of the consequences on others first because that's it, totally only f right thing to do, Now!
Thinking, in that driven stage.
I literally genuinely begin proposals and arrangements except drugs are always involved first.
I do try taking enough benzo powder to just see, if it stops my tracks, lessee evil? and all!
It often does. But wild q's though, 35 mg's Etiz or Bromazolam maybe, with lots benzo potentiating kava and v stoned 24365
Then, damn legalities.
I have some, ahem...trips! Laying about that's all
And bloody (fuck her ex Majesty for growing selling legally based on firm undisputed science way more medical Skunk vs anyone single ever) MY, vital medical weed.
I bet 40 mg's yesterday by afternoon, did help me avert. Rough though.
Today, I feel unexpectedly different better calmer clearer more optimistic, not wistfully but like a baseball player knowing they're fit with an optimum grip analogy.
So, damn. Trust me I'm tough resilient resourceful hard, but I was lividly crazy with reason, still..
I reasoned timelessly ceaselessly though. I'm f here somehow.
It IS a new day. There may be some level of hope.
Just take lesson maybe, I will keep trying to do that myself.