xaddictx
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Very well said indeed.
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- Thread starter ocean
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Bk38, I have read part of your story and seems that so many people have been psychologically destroyed by Scientology, and you are another example. I mean people seem to be destroyed for life by them. It seems that people are either destroyed or enslaved by them. Vitamins, saunas and brainwashing is no way to help addicts. As a Christian I can not endorse any drug use. I myself am fighting multiple addictions. I have found peace when I truly repented of my sins and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Then came living as God would want you to live. That has been very hard me but as someone who is rebellious and self centered. But I have changed. I am far from perfect and have to work on a lot of things. I was a drunk who nearly died, and traded one addiction for 3. Perscription drugs to deal with pancreatitus. I am working on getting off 2 of them and possibly a third. I have found that only God can bring true peace and that the only way to true happiness is repenting of your sins and truly accepting Jesus Christ(the one and only son of ALMIGHTY GOD) as your lord and Savior. Those who believe in him, that he is the son of God and died on the cross, and rose from the dead; will have eternal life in heaven. Leading a Christian life is not easy, but the lord has helped me out more times than I know or can remember. I may live alone, but since repenting of my sins( yes I still sin and am constantly asking for forgiveness) I have the Holy Spirit in me and know that heaven awaits.
xaddictx
Bluelighter
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Your story sounds so similar to mine. I was an addict, alcoholic and was near death also. I went to rehab and got clean. Just recently I got saved at my church which was wonderful, but I still have flaws I need to work out. Basically, I have anger issues and cuss but I feel awful after doing it. God knows were not perfect, so we do the best we can. Congratulations on accepting Christ into your heart and we will work out the bumps in the road.
BK38 - I just finished reading your article.
Incredible!! Moved me so much I created an account to let you know that I believe in you. That's really all I can manage to say at the moment. I just found this forum today and have been reading through these posts for hours. Like you and the others here I'm doing what I can day by day to hang on. You inspire me. I'm inspired by the lot of you here.
BK38
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I hope you're doing well and I'm sure it's true that many of us share these common threads in our lives. I'm not sure where you got the "accepting Christ into your heart" bit as I am not Christian or religious in general. I'm happy for you if it helps you though. We're all inherently flawed. To err is human. Here's to navigating those bumps in life!Your story sounds so similar to mine. I was an addict, alcoholic and was near death also. I went to rehab and got clean. Just recently I got saved at my church which was wonderful, but I still have flaws I need to work out. Basically, I have anger issues and cuss but I feel awful after doing it. God knows were not perfect, so we do the best we can. Congratulations on accepting Christ into your heart and we will work out the bumps in the road.
BK38
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That's great that the article I wrote moved you so much and hopefully instilled a sense of hope in you too. Thanks for taking the time to read it (even though I know it's kind of narrowed in focus towards psychedelics) - you do get the broad strokes of my life. Keep hanging on and welcome to BL.
BK38
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I think that there are many paths out of suicidal ideation, addiction, depression etc. I'm glad Christianity is working out for you, but I personally do not see it as THE ONLY path out. I can understand your enthusiasm as it seems to be working for you, but personally I do not see Christ as my saviour nor do I think that relegates me to hell or purgatory or whatever. I think telling people that are thinking of killing themselves that they will go to hell is wrong. You may disagree, but I see it as adding an unnecessary layer of guilt to someone and kicking them when they're down. Again, there are many paths to a happy, healthy life and I'm not knocking your faith, but the religious route is not for everyone.
I ain't talking about religion, I am talking about truth. We are here for a reason. Call it a test or whatever, but hell is real and so is heaven. There is a reason the name Jesus Christ invokes so much emotion, good and bad. His name and who he is are very real and so is Judgement. This ain't about kicking people when they are down, it is about hope and escape from eternal damnation to The Lake of Fire. There is a very good reason Jesus's name will not go away( and no it is not because it is a somewhat common name used mostly by Hispanics) It is because he is the Son of ALMIGHTY GOD and he sits on his throne at right hand of God the Father. In the JUDGEMENT SEAT. He first came here to save those who would believe and After he returns,( there will be the Anti- Christ who will deceive many before his return), Then he will judge those who are not saved. This is not about kicking people when they are down. He came first to save the world, and then to judge it. I would laugh, be angry and probably dismissive if I were not saved too. True repentance for one's sins and and a true saving knowledge and having The Lord Jesus Christ as your Saviour is the only escape from hell. ( I am not talking about those who die before the age of accountability or retards)
BK38
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We're really going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Your religion may be YOUR truth but it might not be MY truth. I don't want to go too off topic in a thread where we are supposed to be supporting one another. If Christianity is what gives you solace or lends you purpose; gives you strength when you are suicidal, then that's fine and I'm all for it. I will not tolerate the feeling of being made to feel judged because of my lack of faith in a particular religion. By saying all those that do not accept Christ into their hearts are condemned to eternal damnation in a lake of fire, you come across as foisting your religion upon others in my opinion. What about the billions of people that don't believe in Christianity and are good people? The athiests, the agnostics, the Buddhists, the Hindus, the Sikhs, the Muslims, the Jews... all condemned to hell? All the good people that have donated their time on this planet to helping others and aren't Christian? There is no definitive proof that heaven or hell exist and I do not accept your truth as my own. With all that said, I hope you are doing well.
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BK38
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Preach elsewhere. You're entitled to your beliefs, but they are not mine. I was super polite and understanding of your stance, please afford me/this space the same politeness and understanding. I won't go on ad nauseum about why Christianity or organized religion in general is not my truth. I'm not buying what you're selling and your talk of eternal lakes of fire etc are nothing but a thinly veiled guilt trip imo. You want to post a psalm or something that might help someone? Cool. Want to gently suggest that religion is working out for you and the reasons why? Cool. Want to foist your religion upon me and others? Not fucking Cool - this is a suicide support thread, not a pulpit.
searchingforthesound
Bluelighter
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I guess I belong I've seriously considered suicide for most of my life. One attempt as a teenager. Slit my wrist. I'm reaaaallly lucky that I wasn't smart enough at the time to use a razor blade and I used a dull knife, and gave up after about an hour of hacking away at my wrist. I was truly trying to end my life. Glad there was no internet at the time or I probably would have been better prepared.
Since then I've always seen suicide as being a viable option. " If things don't get better by x year, or by the time I'm at y age. If I get diagnosed with some incurable degenerative disease. If my employment situation gets to the point I can't make ends meet. If the environment collapses. If there is a fascist takeover/civil war/inescapable violence. If the world becomes unlivable, then I've got that option"
Since I came to that conclusion 20+ years ago, I certainly had my ups and downs but things never truly got better. Had some brief periods of happiness, employment situation has been better than I worried about (meaning of continually had a job that I hate and makes me very unhappy but has provided enough income to stay alive without going too far in debt ) but also lots of depression and still haven't found the love and friendship that makes a life worth living.
But let's be honest, the environment is collapsing at an exponential rate, we are on the brink of world war III, a fascist dictator is extremely likely to take control in a year or so, and AI will be evolved enough to put everybody out of a job within a few more years.
Basically waiting for things to get to the point of no return, or to get laid off from my job, then take a trip around the world to have as much fun as I can before maxing out my credit cards and then blammo. Or maybe I find something on that last hurray trip around the world that makes me decide to keep going, I don't know.
I think it's a rational decision. I hope things don't get that bad, but haven't seen much evidence they won't. Seems like best case scenario is I find enough love and happiness for my life, and find a way to alleviate the suffering of others for as long as I can before pulling the trigger. I do want that to be a long time but I don't think things will realistically get better for the human species. Even if we avoid WWIII, mother nature isn't going to likely to relent.
The best days are the ones where I'm too distracted to think about this shit
Since then I've always seen suicide as being a viable option. " If things don't get better by x year, or by the time I'm at y age. If I get diagnosed with some incurable degenerative disease. If my employment situation gets to the point I can't make ends meet. If the environment collapses. If there is a fascist takeover/civil war/inescapable violence. If the world becomes unlivable, then I've got that option"
Since I came to that conclusion 20+ years ago, I certainly had my ups and downs but things never truly got better. Had some brief periods of happiness, employment situation has been better than I worried about (meaning of continually had a job that I hate and makes me very unhappy but has provided enough income to stay alive without going too far in debt ) but also lots of depression and still haven't found the love and friendship that makes a life worth living.
But let's be honest, the environment is collapsing at an exponential rate, we are on the brink of world war III, a fascist dictator is extremely likely to take control in a year or so, and AI will be evolved enough to put everybody out of a job within a few more years.
Basically waiting for things to get to the point of no return, or to get laid off from my job, then take a trip around the world to have as much fun as I can before maxing out my credit cards and then blammo. Or maybe I find something on that last hurray trip around the world that makes me decide to keep going, I don't know.
I think it's a rational decision. I hope things don't get that bad, but haven't seen much evidence they won't. Seems like best case scenario is I find enough love and happiness for my life, and find a way to alleviate the suffering of others for as long as I can before pulling the trigger. I do want that to be a long time but I don't think things will realistically get better for the human species. Even if we avoid WWIII, mother nature isn't going to likely to relent.
The best days are the ones where I'm too distracted to think about this shit
Don't believe all the environmental bs, there is a lot of money and power with this environmental disaster nonsense. Everything else, people are like, don't believe all that you hear
Hey It was global cooling, the Ozone hole, global warming, now climate change and eco disaster. It is all about power and money. Don't believe all the bs, the Earth is tough and a hugh volcanic eruption could do more damage than man could ever. Mount Tambora and the year without a summer. How quick people are to believe those who have a lot to gain by this eco non sense.
Nuclear war, It is more likely, but shouldn't worry about what ifs.
I am in bad shape mentally also, have many reasons, even my doctor said I should go see a shrink and get on disability. He is actually a good doctor and was sort of friends with my late father. ( my dad was a surgeon and they would talk, even before he became my dad's primary care doctor.)
I have been depressed for so long, I have almost no interest in anything, have almost no employment history and I know life will only get more dreary for me. I drank and got cirrhosis and am in physical pain and have no direction or purpose.
But suicide is not an option. My whole life has been lonely and sad. Much of it my fault as I got older.
I have done a lot of possibly irreversible mental damage by many years of constant benzo use.( legally)
I couldn't get a job if I tried, and have barely enough energy or will to do the basics of life and many issues, but suicide is not an acceptable option.
Don't let worry or the what it's of the media, and all the bad things beyond your control get you down, especially when they haven't happened.
I have only 1 relative I talk to regularly and no friends. My life has lost any meaning and my liver, is a death sentence waiting to happen, but still I know suicide is not an option. Watch a lot of depressing documentaries like me and you will see their are billions worse off. I have passed the point of finding love and have nothing, at least in this life to look forward too. But suicide, even though I easily could kill myself, is not an option.
My only sibling and best and only friend, my little sister, her death was ruled a suicide. I disagree but she had so many issues( medically) that were not her fault. Her death my mom's death almost exactly a year earlier from complications of cirrhosis and my dad who I was close too, dying in August has nearly destroyed me, but life is still worth living.
I have trouble eating, my doctor and my conservative father both thought medical Marijuana was a good idea for me, but that turned to overuse and no longer effective.
Just don't make the mistake of wallowing in sadness, I do it sometimes and have realized how pointless it is. Iam surrounded by stress, too complicated and lengthy to explain, but don't give up. I was only able to eat a few cookies and and ounce or so of pretzel sticks today so far. Thinking of going to domino's for $7.99 carry out special and forcing my self to eat.
There has to be reasons you can find to go on. Right now mine is a cheap pizza once my meds kick in. Don't give up
.
Hey It was global cooling, the Ozone hole, global warming, now climate change and eco disaster. It is all about power and money. Don't believe all the bs, the Earth is tough and a hugh volcanic eruption could do more damage than man could ever. Mount Tambora and the year without a summer. How quick people are to believe those who have a lot to gain by this eco non sense.
Nuclear war, It is more likely, but shouldn't worry about what ifs.
I am in bad shape mentally also, have many reasons, even my doctor said I should go see a shrink and get on disability. He is actually a good doctor and was sort of friends with my late father. ( my dad was a surgeon and they would talk, even before he became my dad's primary care doctor.)
I have been depressed for so long, I have almost no interest in anything, have almost no employment history and I know life will only get more dreary for me. I drank and got cirrhosis and am in physical pain and have no direction or purpose.
But suicide is not an option. My whole life has been lonely and sad. Much of it my fault as I got older.
I have done a lot of possibly irreversible mental damage by many years of constant benzo use.( legally)
I couldn't get a job if I tried, and have barely enough energy or will to do the basics of life and many issues, but suicide is not an acceptable option.
Don't let worry or the what it's of the media, and all the bad things beyond your control get you down, especially when they haven't happened.
I have only 1 relative I talk to regularly and no friends. My life has lost any meaning and my liver, is a death sentence waiting to happen, but still I know suicide is not an option. Watch a lot of depressing documentaries like me and you will see their are billions worse off. I have passed the point of finding love and have nothing, at least in this life to look forward too. But suicide, even though I easily could kill myself, is not an option.
My only sibling and best and only friend, my little sister, her death was ruled a suicide. I disagree but she had so many issues( medically) that were not her fault. Her death my mom's death almost exactly a year earlier from complications of cirrhosis and my dad who I was close too, dying in August has nearly destroyed me, but life is still worth living.
I have trouble eating, my doctor and my conservative father both thought medical Marijuana was a good idea for me, but that turned to overuse and no longer effective.
Just don't make the mistake of wallowing in sadness, I do it sometimes and have realized how pointless it is. Iam surrounded by stress, too complicated and lengthy to explain, but don't give up. I was only able to eat a few cookies and and ounce or so of pretzel sticks today so far. Thinking of going to domino's for $7.99 carry out special and forcing my self to eat.
There has to be reasons you can find to go on. Right now mine is a cheap pizza once my meds kick in. Don't give up
.
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CFC
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I think when we're already overloaded by our own internal struggles, allowing external noise to pollute our minds generally makes things worse. I know this might sound like a strange thing to do, but I do wonder if perhaps not listening to any 'news' at all (or selectively listening only to more uplifting things), might at least take this additional burden off your shoulders? None of us can control these things individually, so listening to what's going on really serves no useful function at all most of the time.
On the other hand, travel can be a superb way of helping to shift out of a pervasive funk and improve our thoughts and feelings about the world. So if you can do at least some of that, it might be a real boon. Either way, I hope you find a way through your struggles
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Like said above, I would try my best to limit my intake of external stimuli that might only serve to foster negativity. As well, it helps to recognize that sometimes, the typical shit people have that "make a life worth living", like money, success, stability, friends etc. all will fall short if you can't find internal peace. There are people with all of those things that still end their life prematurely, whether by their own hand or through indirect means like addiction. I say this as someone that's been suicidally depressed for 15+ years and has attempted more times than I can remember at this point, and has only survived through grace. I feel better now for the most part, but I have to be careful because I can very easily revert back if I'm not careful. I've had to actively change my patterns of thinking, through therapy, medication, getting sober, etc. Maybe you don't need all that, but it'd be helpful to consider talking to a professional further about this. There's no shame in that.
I wish you the best, feel free to reach out if you should ever need someone to hear you out
searchingforthesound
Bluelighter
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Thanks for the kind words of support.
Yeah, would be nice to get professional help. Trying. Where I live it is extremely hard to find anybody accepting new patients and then the few I found over the past few years turned out to be quacks. Plus, it's $100 a week I don't have.
I'm kind of at my wits end. I have no friends or family (largely due to having been a huge asshole while I was on coke and booze 15+ years ago), a stressful soul killing job, no enjoyment of life or even break from the pain, no feeling of hope for the future. It's been like this consistently for a very long time.
I know I could get a big bottle is Xanax and feel good for a little while. Max out my credit cards, fly somewhere tropical, get an 8 ball, have some fun adventures, maybe get laid, spend a week or two squeezing as much enjoyment and pleasure out of it as I can, then get a big bottle of boost to mix with the Xanax, pass out on the beach at low tide, and be mercifully and painlessly swept out to sea. I know it could get more living done in those two weeks then have done in the last 30 years. The option looks attractive to me. Right now I'm trying to convince myself of any arguments against it.
Yeah, would be nice to get professional help. Trying. Where I live it is extremely hard to find anybody accepting new patients and then the few I found over the past few years turned out to be quacks. Plus, it's $100 a week I don't have.
I'm kind of at my wits end. I have no friends or family (largely due to having been a huge asshole while I was on coke and booze 15+ years ago), a stressful soul killing job, no enjoyment of life or even break from the pain, no feeling of hope for the future. It's been like this consistently for a very long time.
I know I could get a big bottle is Xanax and feel good for a little while. Max out my credit cards, fly somewhere tropical, get an 8 ball, have some fun adventures, maybe get laid, spend a week or two squeezing as much enjoyment and pleasure out of it as I can, then get a big bottle of boost to mix with the Xanax, pass out on the beach at low tide, and be mercifully and painlessly swept out to sea. I know it could get more living done in those two weeks then have done in the last 30 years. The option looks attractive to me. Right now I'm trying to convince myself of any arguments against it.
ageingpartyfiend
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It's not a strange thing to do anymore - plenty of people myself included are feeling highly noticable mental health improvements from drastically limiting (or completely stopping in some cases) access to 'news'I think when we're already overloaded by our own internal struggles, allowing external noise to pollute our minds generally makes things worse. I know this might sound like a strange thing to do, but I do wonder if perhaps not listening to any 'news' at all (or selectively listening only to more uplifting things), might at least take this additional burden off your shoulders? None of us can control these things individually, so listening to what's going on really serves no useful function at all most of the time.
On the other hand, travel can be a superb way of helping to shift out of a pervasive funk and improve our thoughts and feelings about the world. So if you can do at least some of that, it might be a real boon. Either way, I hope you find a way through your struggles
Over last 25 years humans have had access to a billion times more information readily available to us than previously. Plenty of people are unknowingly overwhelmed by it. Dopamine-hacking sites and apps, social media being the biggest brainwashing opportunity in human history...the age of alternative facts, AI, and the constant downpour of misinformation, bile and hatred be 'consume' daily (often many hours daily) - we cannot process it, overloaded.
Im having a day per week zero media, instant benefits. am gonna up that to 2 days soon if possible. I'd say media blackout days are becoming essential selfcare
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I usually don't like to traffic in cliches, but they say "don't give up before the miracle happens".Thanks for the kind words of support.
Yeah, would be nice to get professional help. Trying. Where I live it is extremely hard to find anybody accepting new patients and then the few I found over the past few years turned out to be quacks. Plus, it's $100 a week I don't have.
I'm kind of at my wits end. I have no friends or family (largely due to having been a huge asshole while I was on coke and booze 15+ years ago), a stressful soul killing job, no enjoyment of life or even break from the pain, no feeling of hope for the future. It's been like this consistently for a very long time.
I know I could get a big bottle is Xanax and feel good for a little while. Max out my credit cards, fly somewhere tropical, get an 8 ball, have some fun adventures, maybe get laid, spend a week or two squeezing as much enjoyment and pleasure out of it as I can, then get a big bottle of boost to mix with the Xanax, pass out on the beach at low tide, and be mercifully and painlessly swept out to sea. I know it could get more living done in those two weeks then have done in the last 30 years. The option looks attractive to me. Right now I'm trying to convince myself of any arguments against it.
You never know what's around the corner. Could be really awesome.
searchingforthesound
Bluelighter
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I do that sometimes and it helps. Deactivating my social media always helps too. But it has become the case that most venues where I live ONLY list their events on social media, so I reactivate it to see what is going on.
And good stuff has happened to me in the past that made be glad I didn't die when I was 15. I know there will be good stuff that happens to me in the future if I stick it out. But up till now, at age 40 plus, on the whole, the 10% of my life that has been enjoyable hasn't made the 90% of pain and sorrow worth living through.
Going to try again on Monday to find professional help, maybe go on ssris. But it is daunting making call after call and being told they're not accepting new patients.
I don't want much out of life. Freedom from constant pain. A little bit of love. A sense of belonging. A way to contribute positive energy to the world around me.