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Recovery The 2023 Recovery Thread

Being single and in your 40's is pretty grim, luckily my many years of perscription drugs use has killed my libido. Besides unless your rich, dating while middle aged is a nightmare, try to find a woman before your 40.
I don't want to be a hypocrite, but don't throw away a good relationship, because of unrealistic expectations of finding the perfect woman. They may exist, but almost always have Mrs., before their name.
But at the same time you do not want to be stuck growing old with someone you can't stand and have no common interests with.
 
azzbatshitazzOzzy said:
Hell yeah. Jacked up and relaxed


That's what's up. All the flavors, diverse textures


Absolutely


That's huge.


I always look forward to meals.

Thursday night I had another drug dreams. About getting caught red handed but still using in front of her because I couldn't not finish a bag.

My Friday night was sort of screwy. Told my girlfriend I'd go to a Christmas play at a church with her and a friend. Drove there, chilled in the car because we were early. Saw lots of people pouring into the church. Girlfriend said there was a kids arts and crafts before the play. I told her I was overwhelmed and drove us home. I feel bad that I went back on the commitment. But also this fake life of keeping up with appearances, that I'm starting to realize she enjoys the little meaningless (IMO) interactions, and she's starting to believe is a much bigger struggle for me than she thought and likely unfixable for her, is really eating away at me. Yes she saved me from the street, and strung out I probably seemed more of a hopeful fix for her as I was more expressive and evidently insecure but she was confident in me, and she seemed more stone cold but is now extremely latching on, but as I find my way it's pretty clear that we just are complete opposites to the he point of very volatile and gut wrenching arguments with no better understanding after two full years.

End of vent.

Looking forward to my coffee right now.

And this dumb ass Kroger coffee machine I swear to fucking god I'm going to throw it out the window some day it's expensive and useless
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i find myself sorta thinking the same thing. just keep a little ear worm close by that this stuff can take years. i’ve ditched SO many events because i just couldn’t handle them without something for my anxiety. it’s a shitty catch because i’ve been present for tons of events but i just had to have a crutch, so it almost makes you think sometimes.

i know this is selfish, but you don’t have to be the healer. you don’t have to be there for anyone and you don’t owe anyone but yourself the coziness & solace you very much d serve. i’m a big people pleaser and i only figured it out in the last few months. this is the time to take for yourself. i’m sure people have said it before but if she loves you truly on an innate, intrinsic level, things will be okay.

i also know that taking the time for yourself to not be a people pleaser can result in backfire anxiety, from thoughts of ‘i’m never going to be able to do normal people things’ to disappointing your partner or family etc. it’s tricky and isn’t easy to navigate.

much love man 💕
 
just woke up, going to pick up some alprazolam today for the holidays. didn’t go on my walk yesterday but i’ll be going today. just have sorta been depressed. even turned down a giant thrift expedition with my mum yesterday, and just ate chocolate and tons of food in bed.

finally getting back to myself after that mental blow. going to decorate the tree this evening, listen to some george michael, and finish up some music stuff. im so bad at making art when im sad, it seems like such a chore.

anyways, happy saturday 💕
 
thatmf said:
Ergh, I had the worst night terrors all night last night. Woke up in a crazed way. Was not nice. But here I am.
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What's brought that on bro? I always used to find a big takeaway or too much food before bed especially dairy would do this to me.

Or worse still overdo stimulants like MDMA or mephedrone (4mmc) in particular would leave me suffering sleep paralysis. I'd have the same dream every time with a cloaked figure standing over my chest holding a knife, you can never move until it stabs you then wake up gasping and terrified 👀
 
you know. I have been drinking coffee now. a little cup and a half of a little spoon. A medium small. It has been helping me a lot lately. Monster drinks are starting to make me ill now. I can't really stomach them now. But this is good so now I can stop with the drinking of those awful things. Coffee actually calms me down now and settles my stomach. And I am able to drink it once again. I'm gald.
A little caffeine can actually be helpful and is to me. Currently. I am so glad that I can't drink those Monsters anymore. Those things are horrible. Really horrible.
And I would say caffeine is the most benign ingredient for the count. And all.
 
elgoucho9 said:
What's brought that on bro? I always used to find a big takeaway or too much food before bed especially dairy would do this to me.

Or worse still overdo stimulants like MDMA or mephedrone (4mmc) in particular would leave me suffering sleep paralysis. I'd have the same dream every time with a cloaked figure standing over my chest holding a knife, you can never move until it stabs you then wake up gasping and terrified 👀
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Oh true! I think it's because I've started a new diet, apparently dopamine can be affected. That's all it is I think. Slept a lot better last night. Woah, I've never had one that bad 💀👀
 
thatmf said:
Oh true! I think it's because I've started a new diet, apparently dopamine can be affected. That's all it is I think. Slept a lot better last night. Woah, I've never had one that bad 💀👀
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Yeah i do fasting man. Did 24hrs the other day then tried to go keto. I lasted the 24 hours but since then i broke the keto cos i just felt far too weak without carbs.
 
Yep I started trying keto this past week.

Making cauliflower Mac and cheese (no Mac)

Hope these things work for us all

Also just found an article about the guy who wrote the subtle art of not giving a fuck, which I haven't read because doing that sometimes is the issue

It's about personal values. Message me if you care to read I'll send the link
 
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thatmf said:
Ergh, I had the worst night terrors all night last night. Woke up in a crazed way. Was not nice. But here I am.
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So sorry.
I had this last night.
I am up early with a lot of anxiety.

This is so hard.
Just realizing all the time I have wasted and relationships I have lost. .
I need to just leave the past in the past.
Everything is overwhelming me right now.

I was making some good progress forward.
I am still just using the prescribed Suboxone.
But, my mom got really sick and went septic and we almost lost her.
It has been all on me to care for her at home and she has required nursing home type care for some weeks.
It has exhausted me. Physically and mentally.
She is starting to get better now. Can at least shower herself.

I was just starting to feel a little stable and then that really upset me.
There is so much pressure on me.
Help!
Steady Me!!
 
Painful One said:
So sorry.
I had this last night.
I am up early with a lot of anxiety.

This is so hard.
Just realizing all the time I have wasted and relationships I have lost. .
I need to just leave the past in the past.
Everything is overwhelming me right now.

I was making some good progress forward.
I am still just using the prescribed Suboxone.
But, my mom got really sick and went septic and we almost lost her.
It has been all on me to care for her at home and she has required nursing home type care for some weeks.
It has exhausted me. Physically and mentally.
She is starting to get better now. Can at least shower herself.

I was just starting to feel a little stable and then that really upset me.
There is so much pressure on me.
Help!
Steady Me!!
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That sucks so much. But at least your mom has had someone she loves looking after her. Good that she's making progress. Try not to delve into the past, I know it's a tempting venue/avenue when things are a bit out of your control but it rarely gets you anywhere. Sending strength and energy your way.
 
HumanityIsTheDevil said:
Sixth day of rehab. Five days without cigarettes.

Had a good chat with a fellow alkie in the kitchen. Hearing about his custody battles made me real glad i don't have kids. Other than that, i've pretty much just been eating and watching TV today. I did pop out to get some more nicopods at the gas station after lunch.

Getting permission to exit the hospital area on tuesday. This is good, since being confined to this place gets boring fast.
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Amazing work. Keep it up.

Stay vigilant. Shits insidious as you know.
 
I am so proud of you guys!
Just reading some of the comments and seeing, hearing the PROGRESS you all have been making.
Well done.

I have to keep reminding myself to just take things one day, one moment at a time.
If I think too far ahead or too far behind me, I get major anxiety attacks.

Just have to trust that everything is going to be alright.
I Feel so stripped, naked, exposed, raw.
I need to remember that I am a badass and I will find a way.
Just need to give myself some time.
 
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