Recovery The 2023 Recovery Thread

[Hate_Me]

28 days as of today. Been back in the gym and my diet has improved big time. Till not sleeping well but I’ll take the improvements as they come.

 

[tokayeahok]

After working all 12 steps to the best of my ability, and by working with others in recovery (sponsees, chairing meetings, doing discussions, big book studies, etc), I can say that I'm feeling a lot better. There wasn't really an experience where the clouds opened up, or some other deal. What I can say is that I actually feel normal. I really don't know how to explain it. When I go to random meetings now (every fellowship) I feel a connection there. It empowers me to do something positive.
Besides just participating in meetings I only keep positive friends and family members around me, and just stay plugged in.

Yeah, you're right. The steps and meetings don't work for everyone. Hell it didn't work for me at first because I'm like 'who the fuck are all these happy people, and how come this dude is talking to the hottest chick at the meeting, man fuck this place, I feel so weird here' and that shit kept me away from meetings and the fellowships for Soo long. & What I ended up doing was finding a group of old drunks that was there because they were doing something that I wanted to do. I didn't want the hot chick or none of that shit, I wanted sobriety, and these old timers had something figured out. & Now I can go to those meetings which I once had avoided because I'm now there for a meeting.

I can go on and on about my experience with the fellowships.

I wouldn't consider myself a Christian, however I still attend church every Sunday because I honestly enjoy hearing my pastor explains things. It's never dull, and I walk out there knowing more about how to carry myself. I want to walk that spiritual path that my God has my back, and don't want to be a salty Sally or bitter Betty.

Anyways, life's good. I got plans today. Just one day at a time yanno

thank you for sharing your experience && perspective

 

[xaddictx]

I am in recovery now. I no longer self medicate or try to reinvent the wheel sorta speak in regards to the solution. I completed inpatient treatment n the 23rd August n a program for veterans and first responders. Something clicked with this newest inpatient stint. They focus on trauma treatment and addiction treatment like 60/40. I never realized what trauma really is and how it impacts our beliefs about the world/people and beliefs about ourselves and how all that ties into addiction.

I was always trying to find my “own” solution and it never worked. This time I am getting involved in the recovery community. In the past I only worked with a sponsor but didn’t connect with others outside of that. I am changing that this time.

I actually went to sober fest yesterday from noon until 11pm and I have the sunburns to prove it. Colliichie headlined it and he is actually a very humble guy. He stayed after so people could meet and get pictures with him and the only thing anyone had to pay for is 5 dollars for parking. The entire show and festival was free unless you wanted to buy food.

I had a lot of fun. To be honest, I am just happy to be here. One week before I went to inpatient treatment I traumatized my wife once again.

I don’t do fentanyl normally and haven’t bought any opioids or opiates off the street in 5 years or more before this but I did buy some a week before treatment. I wasn’t planning on treatment at the time. To be honest I bought it in case I wanted to check out. But I wasn’t sleeping because my drug of choice is basically meth and had all that fentanyl on me so decided to take it to help me come down and normally I wait for my wife to go to work before using. This day I got impatient and thought “ well two minutes and she will be out the door so I can go ahead and use”. So I didn’t wait for her to leave thankfully.

The short of it is I overdosed and she found me before she left and I woke up in the hospital. I then overdosed two more times at the hospital and then me time I woke up in what I think was an OR with like 10 people in scrubs all around me. Anyway, I am just saying all this to say that I am grateful to be here today and in recovery.

I got a sponsor this weekend and am starting the steps. I am grateful to be here.

Wow, theres a reason you're still here. Great job on your recovery and keep fighting the good fight!

 

[AngelsandFairiesarereal]

A couple steps forward, couple steps back, couple steps forward, couple steps back. I have to recover or get to a better place as far as PTSD in order to better. I’m not making any excuses, just being real. I’m trying to have a balance between trying really hard but also having compassion for myself I guess. I don’t know, shits hard.
This may be a weird, kinda vague post
Big hugs to anyone out there struggling

 

[tokayeahok]

doing well today. woke up and took my gabapentin & kratom. ran into town & got some groceries & ciggies, and have been visiting my mum today at her house. cleaning off her ceiling fan, helping her feed the foster kitties, mopping & sweeping her floor, doing her dishes, broke down a lot of boxes from her recent amazon-haul. it felt like christmas from all the things she got.

feeling super sleepy & feel like it’s a nap time, as she’s always listening to ambient music since i put her onto that sorta music. that with her california king bed, mood lighting, and a bunch of kittens curled up on the bed… who COULD stay awake with all of that? relaxing would be a massive understatement.

anyways just popping in to say hello & update!

xoxo much love
jon

 

[elgoucho9]

Feeling live I've swapped a drug addiction for a food addiction.

17 days sober from crack and heroin. I'm feeling like I can do 30, 60, 90 days etc on this run. Obviously will always be 1 day at a time but I'm in a solid routine here and staying well away from any triggers or friends who use hard drugs.

Madness this is the only time since first trying heroin in 2014 that I actually got torn into it with IV. Spent 3 weeks on brown and white then towards the end of the binge started to really feel the self loathing set in. Wasn't getting high anymore just fighting off withdrawals and feeling shit about myself either way. Decided to cold turkey it despite still being in the same room as a half ounce of gear. I think the fact I was able to do that made me realise my will power is stronger than I previously thought.

Had very little urge to use since stopping. The only thing I have fantasised about was benzos. But fuck that, a few Diaz in me and I'd be straight back on the pipe and the whole cycle repeats itself. Have to stay strong. Exercise and smoking weed have helped loads.

 

[Ds]

Dude. Cold Turkey (ing) fentanyl was scary as fuck. Actual Heroin did nothing to help besides make me want to attempt to OD on the shit so I could feel normal again (that the fentanyl gave me).
Like there was & actually probably was , something else in the fentanyl that I had got because it came different almost each time.
Thank God that I no longer have to deal with that shit. My God it was awful!!
It was so bad that it drove me to want to get help. So there was a little bit of good that came out from it.
Going on 7 months and some change now , free from the shit. & Honestly I dunno if I'd been willing to get help if it weren't for those cold Turkey wds.

 

[elgoucho9]

Dude. Cold Turkey (ing) fentanyl was scary as fuck. Actual Heroin did nothing to help besides make me want to attempt to OD on the shit so I could feel normal again (that the fentanyl gave me).
Like there was & actually probably was , something else in the fentanyl that I had got because it came different almost each time.
Thank God that I no longer have to deal with that shit. My God it was awful!!
It was so bad that it drove me to want to get help. So there was a little bit of good that came out from it.
Going on 7 months and some change now , free from the shit. & Honestly I dunno if I'd been willing to get help if it weren't for those cold Turkey wds.

I feel like the Cold Turkey approach is so brutal it makes you not want to feel that way again. Leaves a lasting impression reminding you how nasty it all is.

7 months is great going though. I hope I can get to that myself.

 

[elgoucho9]

Today marks 20 days sober since the cold turkey. I've kept up the exercise and diet along side it, 17 days in a row weight training. Regained 10kgs since I started working out and eating properly again.

Whole mindset is completely different this time. Before I was constantly relapsing on benzos then crack. This time I literally don't want either cos I know where it leads to. That last time there fucking up with the H aswell the state I got myself by the end of it all with so little food and sleep for weeks on end, not being able to look at myself in the mirror, the poor health and then brutal cold turkey... all have helped drill it into my head that I don't want things to ever be like that for me again.

Feeling much more positive than usual. More accepting of where I'm at and what I need to do. I'm back to actually enjoying everyday life, cooking and spending time with my family. Seeking joy in normality rather than the madness of psychotic episodes I was living in. My health is so much better too than it was in those final days of my last fuck up.

With the exercise and diet, combined with the positive momentum I'm experiencing being sober, I feel like if I can keep this up I'll be in the best shape of my life within 90 days. I think exercising every day rather than one day on one day off type thing has helped too. Being active and having a daily routine are two of the pillars to remaining sober and positive in mindset.

This is definitely the best I've been keeping for a long time. Long may it continue.

 

[Ds]

Just had got word that my older cousin is on hospice because he has liver failure. It was caused because of his drinking.
He's drank heavily since I can remember, and he's not much older than me. Maybe 40?

All I can really even think about right now is what the fuck? I mean, I had an aunt that had died from liver failure too but she was in her 50s. Damn

It really makes me think. How quickly this disease of alcoholism can develop and how quick it takes before you get cirrhosis & liver failure.

My cousin didn't do any hard drugs, or anything like it. He was in the Navy for years, then got out and raised a family.

The thing that I fully understand is he's continuing to drink and get drunk while he's on hospice. I can get with that because honestly I could do the same .

 

[tokayeahok]

doing alright today, just got back from a kratom && grocery run downtown. saw some artwork at the local uni museum as well. back home in my little cottage and running a massive bubble bath. listening to tunes & reading this very cheeky russell brand recovery book that he wrote lmao.


cheers xo

 

[elgoucho9]

Struggling tonight with strong cravings for some diazepam.

If i could use say 10mg every other night I really do believe they'd benefit me.

However too many times in the past I've taken them a few nights running then wind up monged and craving cocaine. I've done well to come so far from where I was at. Don't want to jeprodise that.

 

[Ds]

One thing I have to watch for in my recovery is how I go about in forming a relationship with women.
If I allow myself to get to close then something fucked up will happen.
Though I truly believe that my HP made me aware that the last woman I was trying to get with is a total slut, and later found out has herpes and got with a dude that's HIV+.
So looking towards the future here, maybe I shouldn't focus so much time and effort trying to swoon a female that's also in recovery because I really don't know much about them except their usage with drugs.

 

[somnilicious]

6mths since I walked off methadone. Opioid free for longest period that I have ever had on my own since I got strung out 25yrs ago. Not in rehab. Not in halfways houses and mandatory meetings every day. All on my own.

I've had some small missteps over those 6mths with other substances but I'm at the best place I've been in a very long time. Only smoking small amounts of pot with days to a week break here and there and more days than not I have a beer or 2.

Looking forward to eventually forming even healthier relationships with those substances and getting back into the gym. At 6mths I'm just starting to feel up to the challenge.

 

[elgoucho9]

I'm 28 days clear of cocaine/crack addiction and using heroin (it was a lesser problem only really got into it to come off crack).

Made some insane progress exercising and dieting correctly. I'm 10kg up and just short of a stone, from 69kg upto 80kg fasted this morning.

Most of the cravings have stopped. No longer dream about crack cocaine anymore. I'm back thinking about progression rather than self destructive behavior.

Have some progress pictures if anyone's interested

First day after I'd decided enough was enough I was a mess

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Image Screenshot-20230919-170957-Gallery hosted in ImgBB

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30 days after sobering up and training every day

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Image 20230919-162337 hosted in ImgBB

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Can't wait to see what the results will be after 60, 90, 120 days.

Having a good routine and working out regularly has definitely helped me alot when it comes to sorting my life out.

 

[xaddictx]

I'm 28 days clear of cocaine/crack addiction and using heroin (it was a lesser problem only really got into it to come off crack).

Made some insane progress exercising and dieting correctly. I'm 10kg up and just short of a stone, from 69kg upto 80kg fasted this morning.

Most of the cravings have stopped. No longer dream about crack cocaine anymore. I'm back thinking about progression rather than self destructive behavior.

Have some progress pictures if anyone's interested

First day after I'd decided enough was enough I was a mess

Screenshot-20230919-170957-Gallery hosted at ImgBB

Image Screenshot-20230919-170957-Gallery hosted in ImgBB

ibb.co

30 days after sobering up and training every day

20230919-162337 hosted at ImgBB

Image 20230919-162337 hosted in ImgBB

ibb.co

20230919-162243 hosted at ImgBB

Image 20230919-162243 hosted in ImgBB

ibb.co

Can't wait to see what the results will be after 60, 90, 120 days.

Having a good routine and working out regularly has definitely helped me alot when it comes to sorting my life out.

Keep it up man...and good job!

 

[papercuts]

I wouldn't consider myself a Christian, however I still attend church every Sunday because I honestly enjoy hearing my pastor explains things.

Once I was taken to church as a kid by my granny and it was a story about a donkey, that's all I remember, but I liked it enough that I completely annoyed my mum by wanting to go again. She wouldn't go near her church with us because she was single (late 70s, early 80s), but once she was rid of us she started going again. I always felt really rejected by the church and I'm super sensitive to rejection unfortunately after neither of my parents chose to raise me to adulthood, but I love the stories and the way the pastor or whoever is leading usually wants to be kind and helpful. I'd some experience with my own kids going to clubs in various churches, it's the only organisation around here that does fun things for kids without charging an arm and a leg (I was clean&sober 24 years to raise my kids, so I can do it, if I have enough incentive).
I'm very aware of the negative side of the church too, from my childhood of some kids not being allowed to play with us because we weren't really christians and we were scruffy (aka poor), probably smelled of hash, we certainly knew where the best mushies grew and how to get in

When I tried the steps, I tripped and fell on that god one. Like for real would he give people such different chances in life, then judge them all the same? Nah.

I'm not sober currently, I wake with mild opiate withdrawal every morning, but still my use is moderate imo and not increasing, I've been mostly steady like this since the lockdowns gave me too much freedom and I ended up back on it instead of occassional use.
I'm not the mess I was when younger, I've a secure home, family and some income now, that makes all the difference. I also know keeping opiates under control is like holding a burning match, useful at the start, but if you don't put it out you get burned. For now I'm ok, seems I picked up a long matchstick. Had a scary phonecall with my doctor on Friday, thought she was going to call me in and call me out, if you know what I mean, but I talked my way through it, she prescribes me buprenorphine that sits in the drawer currently, I can't touch it or I go into Pwd, but if I lose the prescriptions I might find it hard to get again, I plan to use it eventually, even if only for travel.

But this is good to see, I watch the amazing strength you guys show, getting your lives back, I love it.

No longer dream about crack cocaine anymore.

Yay, good things happening, normal sleep!

 

[Vegasspider]

I'm still hanging in there. Starting to wonder if alcohol is prolonging some of my methadone withdrawal symptoms because it's been almost 2mths with a little kratom use over a month ago and one day of methadone 2 weeks ago but I'm still having some symptoms. I definitely wouldn't say I'm %100. I've cut way back to about 3-4 pints of beer a day which is still a lot.

Hang in there, you can look at my post from 2019 jumping off 5mg of methadone after 10 years of only 20mg a day down to the 5. It was hard and actually in my case did to drive me to drink more but this is more about you than me. I am just saying yes it's hard but getting methadone out of your life will make it better. I am having a rough time currently due to depression but its unrelated to the methadone phase. I went 20,15,10,5 to 2.5 and jumped off it was still a bitch but doable with gab.

 

[somnilicious]

Hang in there, you can look at my post from 2019 jumping off 5mg of methadone after 10 years of only 20mg a day down to the 5. It was hard and actually in my case did to drive me to drink more but this is more about you than me. I am just saying yes it's hard but getting methadone out of your life will make it better. I am having a rough time currently due to depression but its unrelated to the methadone phase. I went 20,15,10,5 to 2.5 and jumped off it was still a bitch but doable with gab.

Thanks.... I'm at 6mths now. I was on 90mgs a day and just decided to rip the chord. I'm doing better now.

 

[Ds]

Spoke with my cousin today. We spoke about everything that's been going on with him in his life. We spoke some about his hospice situation and I think it's super fucked up that he's literally dieing and the nurse and doctor are hesitant to give him pain medicine due to his track record.
He's never abused drugs, and he seriously thought that morphine was the strongest pain medication that you could get. & They treat him like an addict seeking drugs, like really? That shit pissed me off.
I told him to ask them about Dilaudid.
Anyways we spoke some more about recovery and how AA/ meetings didn't work for him, and how the ground therapy sessions seemed to do him better instead.

I'm currently at a AA meeting myself. I'm just really grateful to be able to go somewhere and hear men and women talk about losing everything they valued in life and still managed to stay sober.

Hope everyone is doing well.