322 days with no alcohol.
Life has been better without it.
I no longer feel like a kid at Christmas hoping for the clock to tick faster.
Recently made friends with some weird hippy shaman types and opened up some doors to exotic psychs.
I drink alcohol because it's more socially acceptable, but why should I give a fuck?
I'm going to return to my roots and embrace psychedelia.
I've always been a psychonaut. That's who I am. I need to be me. Shit started going off track when I got into IV meth (in a big way) and started drinking heavily.
When I get to day 366, I'll still have a drink... but I could easily go without.
I definitely don't want to drink every day anymore and I never want to have another nightmare hangover where I spend the whole day with my head in a toilet. Chronic vomiting is too painful, due to a medical condition I have. If I keep vomiting, I will develop cancer of the oesophagus which has a very low prospect of survival.
I might be coming to the end of my alcohol journey and (for the first time ever) that's okay with me.
It's just one of many drugs and it has NEVER been a favourite.
I'd probably rank alcohol above the inhalants I've tried like amyl nitrate and nitrous... and it has more recreational benefit than hardcore shamanistic drugs like Amanita Muscaria... but it has less recreational value than so many other drugs.
I'd rather have: opiates, benzos, cocaine, MDMA, meth, dexamphetamine, DXM, ketamine, psilocybin, LSD, mescaline... plus a LONG list of RC psychs (most of which I haven't tried).
I wish my wife was more open-minded about drugs, like she used to be. She hasn't had any drugs since we started trying to get pregnant, 7 years ago. I often get high by myself. It would be so much easier to avoid alcohol without peer pressure... but I can always just hang out with drunk people while I'm high like I used to.
Maybe I need more druggie friends?
I'm 40 now. Sadly, most people I know don't partake anymore... so I tend to get high alone.
It's weird. I'm not even particularly looking forward to drinking again. The only thing that interests me is how I'm going to feel about it after such a long break. Last time I took a big break (six months) from booze, the first beer I drank tasted like piss. It was fucking awful. And the drug effect was sloppy. It made me stupid, impatient and irritable. Alcohol doesn't really relax me. I'm not sure what I like about it.
I've been thinking about getting some heroin for the first time in about 8 years. Last time after a three month binge I ended up in rehab then on methadone for half a year. I've been telling myself it'll be different this time. I am in a different place. I've never tried H when I'm stable... I've also learnt how to moderate. I moderate weed. I moderate the internet. I don't want to escape anymore. I don't want to switch off. Maybe I can use it recreationally? I suspect I am lying to myself, but it's hard to tell. If I tell my wife about this, she will flip out. I wish I could talk to her about my problems without her making them about her... but she's endured a lot of trauma as a result of my drug use so I get it.
She'd actually rather me take drugs than drink alcohol, but I'm not sure which drugs.
Our relationship has been so rocky for so long, it's probably not a good idea to open old wounds.
But I'm sure she'd rather me talk to her about it than do it behind her back... which isn't something I'm likely to do anyway.
I'm fundamentally honest in relationships even if that means I am shooting myself in the dick. I believe in complete honesty and openness. It hurts me physically to have to withhold things from her, but maybe I'm just being selfish... because I think it hurts her when I reveal too much?
i hope all is well! just popping in late tonight, while my girlfriend & my kitty are asleep beside me, all snuggled up. i just wanted to pop in as i’ve come up with quite a few clonzepam & have a few sitting under my tongue whilst listening to some aphex twin’s selected ambient works. enjoying the relaxation & the taste of the clonz. it’s been awhile since i’ve had some benzos and the relief from my generalized anxiety is giving me a little bit of euphoria before i head to sleep.
big hugs 
