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Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy see's a tree that is draped in bacon.
" A bacon tree ! " We're saved ! " he says. He runs to the tree and is riddled with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.



I've received a letter written entirely in italics, but I don't know what it says - " I haven't a clue
when it comes to languages.



Sometimes when you just can't help it .... You're even a bad influence on yourself.





Ever get mugged by six dwarfs ... Not Bashful !!





Shout out to you searching frantically for your phone ... while talking on it.
You are my Soul Mate.





Sometimes I read my text and think, wow what a psycho.
Then continue to press send.




So I asked this electrician friend to fix an electrical issue at my house.
He refused. 😵‍💫





Remember the life regression therapist who was also a fortune teller -
and was advised to get a grip ?
 
I remember when I used to go on the bus with
my dad and he would tell me to say I was under five
so he wouldn't have to pay for the fare.
In the end I decided to walk to work.




This guy's girlfriend Ruth fell off of his motorcycle.
He rode on ruthlessly.





So I went to the florist this morning and asked: Do you have tulips ?
She said .. Yes and two eyes, two ears and a nose.





When a waitress asks you if you would like an ice cream sundae,
why would you not want it today? Please.





Sorry for the joke about too much oil. It was a bit crude. I'll make
sure it's more refined in the future.





Loud laughing is prohibited in Hawai'i ... they prefer alo-ha.
 
I was on a flight the other week there and the pilot was running through his post-lift off speech, "cruising altitude is blah blah, time of arrival is blah blah" etc.

Once he was done and signed off, the entire plane could still hear him chatting away to his co-pilot because he'd forgot to turn the intercom off, "this is the life, ain't it Pierre?". We could hear him reclining in his seat and letting out a big sigh, "truth be told, all I need now is a blow job and a coffee".

At that, one of the stewardesses came rushing past to inform the pilot that the intercom was still on. As she dashed by the fellow in the seat behind me piped up, "don't forget the coffee!".
 
What's the difference between Jesus and prostitutes??? The sound they make when youre nailing them
 
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Your mama is so fat...


She uses the Van Allen belt to keep up her pants.
~~~~~
that when she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

~~~~~
Her blood type is Ragù

~~~~~

...that the Dr. found a dead midget in her ass-crack....she done sat on him in a bus a few weeks ago.

~~~~~~

She secretes gravy.

~~~~~~

Her shadow weights 242 lbs.

~~~~~~~

....Doritos sent her a thank you letter.
 
Your mama is so fat...


your mamma is so fat India ran out of fabric making you mamma's underwear

~~~~~~

Her high school yearbook picture was an aerial photograph

~~~~~~~~

...it takes her 500 trips to haul ass.

~~~~~~~


...when G-d created light, He had to tell her to move so people could see it.

~~~~~~

If you started at the age of 5 walking down her from her chins...you’d die an old man between her tits....convinced she was flat.
 
Your mama is so fat...

She got arrested for carrying 90 pounds of crack.

~~~~~~~~

Her belly button ring looks more like a trailer hitch.

~~~~~~~~

she was diagnosed with a flesh eating bacteria and given 25 years to live.

~~~~~~~

We are inside her

~~~~~~~

When she went to school she sat next to everybody.

~~~~~~~


She at risk for numerous serious health complications. If you love her...you should talk to her about the changes she needs to make.

Big is beautiful ... exercise and eat sensibly.
 
Well, I wasn't sure if this should go under Religion and Philosophy section rather than Jokes, but anyhow.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who was best at their job, so each went into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it,

Later, they all got together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catcechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion."

The minister says: "I found a bear by the stream and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."
 
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