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What do call a lawyer who graduated at the bottom of his law school class?

Your Honor
 
What comes on your face when you turn thirteen, pimples right?

No, a catholic priests semen
 
If you die during an orgasm, you're coming and going at the same time.
 
I smoke at parties. I get high to fold my laundry. We are not the same.
 
NSFW:
Juan hit puberty while in middle school
During woodshop class there was once an older substitute teacher lady filling in the gap
She had to be careful with his wood around the saw.


Holy shit how far did I cross the line there it's sexually charged immaturely so a simple school fantasy I know how hot and bothered a Spanish teacher of mine made me in class she was older too hah and the English teacher at the Jesuit school showing cleavage for a line of boys walking up to her sitting down you can't help but look down at it shit like this happens

I could spell even while forced to attend Jesuit school but they chose to expel when my behavior fell to making the good kids tell for in my heart I did not belong all along running into trouble Not Cherishing Their Cross Nor Boss but isn't Jesus their's yet they showed no mercy for a freshman sinner I'll skip the church basement dinner but thanks Marge maybe Bingo sorry for the whacky lingo
 
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Sad Fact of Life #14 - Rainbow Trout is NOT Skittle flavored fish.



I won an award for the most secretive person.
I can't tell you how this makes me feel.



As you get more sober, you've got to stay more positive.
For example, the other day I fell down some stairs.
Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow that's
the fastest I've moved in years.



Me: On my way to Killarney.
Him: poor Arney ...




So I went to this cafe for lunch and ordered boneless chicken.
They brought me a fried egg.
 
What do you call a.tube with a degree ?
A graduated cylinder.



BREAKING NEWS
Engineers have just made a car that can run on parsley...
Now they are hoping to make buses run on thyme.




I messed with my friends glass of red wine and my friend got mad at me.
I just added some fruit and lemonade.
And now my friend is sangria than ever. 😬



Cashier: That will be $25.25.
Me: ""IF a man is still alive, if a woman can survive.""
Blank stares all around... 🤪🤪🎼🎻




When your nose is in the middle of your face.
It's because it's the Scenter.....
 
Two people tripping on Acid went to visit the Sun. One of them said "It's too hot" then the other one said "FINE ! Well come back at night !"
 
If you have a job interview and the manager says I will start you at $15 an hour
and in six months I will increase it to $25 an hour and then asks you when you
can start.
Say . . . In six months !!



If someone on the streets wants an old sofa and chairs...
Tell them pissed and messed isn't allowed to accept
suites from strangers.
Just Kidding.... It's just Fun neee's


Autocorrect just changed "" I will host everyone ""
to "" I hate everyone ""
Long story short.
I'm free for the Holidays now !!!!!!!!


Electrum1 went to a Farmers Party last night......
They really know how to Turnip the Beets now......!!!!!! LoL🎤🎤



Someone told Lecroute she was delusional.
She nearly fell off of her unicorn.
I am fucking seriously just kidding. I Love Lecroute !!!!!



People accuse others of having ISSUES.
I disagree. They have VOLUMES.

 
If you have an idea for a book and try to find a ghostwriter
try to get good at that Ouija board stuff.



Top Ten Numbers
1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
4. 4.
5. 5.
6. 6.
7. 7.
8. 8.
9. 9.
10. 10.


I said to myself,
"Self"
( and I knew it was me, because I recognized my
voice, and I was wearing my underwear )
"Today is going to be a good day ! "



Do you know that awesome feeling when you
get into bed, fall right asleep, stay asleep all night
and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take
on the day?
Yeah, me neither !


There was a couple that had no spark
between them anymore.
So one got tasered.
And then it was decided that he would
be asked when he wakes up again.



People want to take a spot until they
realize what it takes to play a position. hehe
juuuuust eee jowk
 
Wicked.

19zWJRx.png
 
Do most of your proofreading
before you hit Sned.




Woman's Ass Size Study
There is a new study about women and how they feel
about there asses. The results were very interesting.

10% of women think that their ass is too skinny.

30% of women think that their ass is too fat.

60% say they don't care, they love him. He is
a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.




Adult Fail #47
Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking
nothing for about 25 minutes.



Relationships or Hallucination ?
It doesn't matter.
Either way you are seeing somebody.




Whenever people tailgate me when I am going 40 in a 35
I always slow down because I gave you an extra 5 and
you didn't appreciate it. So now you get nothing.




Again . . . why is it that women can't parallel park ?
Because
they keep being lied to about what eight inches
looks like.




So if you go into a store and ask if you can pay by card.
Will they have a problem with the ace of spades?



When you keep asking the stewardess if you are flying at 36,000 feet
or 33,000 feet like an idiot.
You definitely have an altitude problem.
 
If your canoe springs a leak, make a hole on the other side to
let the water drain out; if it sinks
- you were too slow to act.




If time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.




The new architect's name is Mr. Ding,
But he goes by the name Bill.




Why do hummingbirds hum ?
Because they don't know the words.




A blind man goes into a store with a seeing eye dog. All of a sudden,
he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the guy and asks "What are you doing ?!? "
The blind man replies "Just looking around."
Don't worry lecroute it is only meant as a funny. joke. The dog would
bite his head off.





When lecroute needs professional help it means that she needs
.... a Butler, a Maid, and a Chauffeur.
Do you hate me now. Remember Lecroute we are only joking in here.




This morning I saw the neighbor talking to her cat again and it was
so obvious that she thought her cat understood her...
I went back into my house and told my dog.... we laughed about it. <3





If you hit someone in the head with a can of coke.
At least it is a soft drink. 👍




What do you call an imaginary pig ?
A Pig-ment of your imagination.



I have more ????
 
MedicinalUser247 said:
Two people tripping on Acid went to visit the Sun. One of them said "It's too hot" then the other one said "FINE ! Well come back at night !"
Click to expand...


When you're high from eating a whole pan of pot brownies,
and now you weigh 2 o'clock. 🥮
 
These neighbors were arguing because one neighbor was saying 'don't hoist your children up that flag pole.'
And the other neighbor was like 'don't tell me how to raise my kids !'




Why are there no aspirins in the Jungle ?
Because the Parrots eat 'em all...





Kindergarten should be the most happiest four years of your life !!!






kmUs7p9.png




In school the teacher said not to worry so much about spelling because
in the future there will be autocorrect. And for that we are all now
eternally grapefruit.
 
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