My situation wasn't that much different. If you take your alcohol and multiply it by 3, and then divide your opiate habit by about 3, that was me. So, I was as fucked as you were, just had alcohol on heavier and opiates lighter. I'm clean now.
If you really want to get clean forever, you're going to need a solution you won't like. You can't afford to miss a day of work? Then quitting is not an option, right? You're other option, not quitting, may hold you together for a while. But, you drink on the methadone, and use too sometimes? Anyway, IME, if you try to hold this together, eventually it will whip your ass and all the things you fear to lose will be gone anyway. You feel you're a mess? That's something in you getting honest and crying out for freedom. Listen to it.
I don't know how it might play out for you. I know for me that going to treatment and getting clean didn't ruin my life like I thought it would. The world and people have a way of being very forgiving when you do what feels like the unthinkable: get honest with everyone, admit you need help and want to be clean, and then surrender to whatever happens and go through with it.
Something to consider might be knocking off the alcohol and joining NA or AA. There you will find people who know what you're going through who will support you to no end, and for free. Instant support group. Just go to some meetings, speak up, say you're new, and get some phone numbers. It might just change your life. I didn't expect AA to change my life, and now I'm happier than I've ever been in my life, and it's thanks to AA. I'm also 35, and I also drank and used since about 16. Weird.
Methadone WD can last a looong time, but there are things that aren't addictive that can make it more doable. You need medical advice on this one. With your past, and as much like me as you are, I'd bet that if you try to quit the methadone on your own, you'll be driven half mad and will wind up doing something stupid or tragic. God, I did.
All I know in the end is that it took everything it took for me to get clean and sober and break through to this side. Trust me, over here, life is more beautiful and unimaginably awesome than you could ever even come close to dreaming of. Recovery is a bitch at the outset. It's like birthing the new, real you. Once done, you'll say you wished you'd done it sooner. But it just takes what it takes for every addict/alcoholic like me (and probably you) to get clean, sober, free, and happy. (Getting happy with being sober is what AA/NA are for. They don't just keep you sober, they are for getting you happy with being sober, very happy. Because really, who the fuck wants to be sober and miserable. No point.)
I hope you find some peace in this and can get free someday. I can tell you want to be free of it. For me, having used from 14-34, I had no idea how to live sober. Finding it out has been a fucking miracle of a journey. I cannot recommend it highly enough. And if/when you decide to hit that rough patch of road that lies just before freedom and peace and serenity, just know, and remember, it's more worth than you could ever imagine. I promise from the bottom of my heart.
Peace,
pnm
IM new here and i really need help! I had a 4yr oxycontin habit topping out shooting 1000mg a day.(No exaggeration-crooked docktor, dated nurse with script pad, made 27 an hr. ect) moved from de. to nc. and have been methadone clinic for 4.5 yrs.I get a month takehomes.Ive tried tapeing 4 times w no sucess. ive beenhigh as 137mg. but maintain around 80.ive tried 1mg a day ,got to 36 and was dying. tried 5 mg a week-no luck-. now i am 2mg a week.down to 51 from 80 and holding today. I support my wife and 2 little girls -6 and .9. I work wek to week check. No savings, and cant afford miss a day work. I also alcho. I drink 12 pack beer every day.im 35 and been drinkikig and ALL drugs in book since 16. i know im a mess. Deal with alot of family shit with drugs. I dont use any more. just maintain methadone and drink.I never posted because of scared of negative feedback. cant type very well hen peck. Im a ropes end with my meth maintanence. really scared .been reaserching and see w/d mabey last 2 months!!! especially with my 8yr opiet addiction and boozing that i will lose my house and family through detox. Loked into rapid detox from all-but no cash. thought about switching to subutex. Tried suboxin be4 methadone but still wanted to use. havent wnted 2 use on mehadone. sry im rambling i just feel im a mess . any advice on my situation.dont have much of a support group. No family ,wife hates clinic thinks im getting high, no friends in new state,only my female counselor, and with and overwhelmed and growing caseload- she dont give a shit anymore. any1 go thru this situation and are clean now? Any advice? Thank you.