Support For Those Affected by the Addiction of Others

[aliencowstorm]

I'm going to have to get my wife to login and check this out. She's now been to three meetings with me and is starting to see what my disease really means to me, but now it's time for her to understand how it's affected her. Sober Living isn't just about me, it's about me and those around me that mean the most.

stardust.hero, thank you for starting this thread. I hope in time that she (along with my kids) will be able to understand that there are others, like them, have been affected by a loved one going through drug and alcohol abuse. And talking with those people might just provide them with the support THEY need.

I cannot give this to them, but I can provide them with the knowledge that there are support groups meant for THEM.

Much love...ACS.

 

[stardust.hero]

alien It's wonderful to have you here and I would love for your wife to also receive support as well, I hope that she can find support here as well. Thank you so much for the contributions to this thread . I think it's going to be a valuable resource for anyone who is dealing with a loved ones addiction to come to vent or receive support/guidance. Much love to you!

Meetings are wonderful but sometimes people also like to receive support in the privacy of their home or behind an anonymous name. I think this thread will suit that need well .

 

[abdd1]

New Mom of Heroin Addicted 19 Year Old

Hi.

I'm the Mom of four beautiful children, one of them addicted to Heroin. My son, who is 19, dabbled with Heroin his senior year in high school, we confronted him and he admitted to trying it a few times, but swore he'd never use again. Two years later, the signs were all there that he was using, but he continued to deny. I would periodically ask him if he needed help and he'd freak out and say he wasn't using. Earlier this summer he called me to meet him at the Emergency Room because he had "the worst stomach pain of his life", while there they gave him IV pain meds and a prescription to manage the stomach pain at home. I had my suspicion that his pain was withdraw from heroin, but didn't say anything at the time because the subject only put him in a rage. Several weeks ago he texted me that he wanted to go to the doctor. My reply was, "Are you ready to admit your heroin use and get help?" and he said yes. He is now on Suboxone, but because he lives on his own (with two room mates who do not use drugs) it's hard for me to know how he's really doing. He doesn't like it when I ask him how he's doing every time I call. He just wants me to talk about normal stuff and not treat him like a "drug addict". I really do try my best to not always ask if he's taking his suboxone, eating, taking care of himself. I always have the urge to ask him if he's struggling or having bad cravings. I'm not sure what to do as a parent. I am naturally very kind and loving, so I think I've been supportive without enabling. (He has a full time job and I never give him money. He's never stole anything from us.)

He says he's done with Heroin, but I know that lying is part of the game. I want to believe him, but I also need to protect myself because I know for many parents this ends up being year and years of a hellish nightmare.

Any advice you could give me how to best support, help and encourage my son would be tremendously appreciated. No words can express the amount of pain and guilt I feel, which I'm sure can't even compare to the pain and shame my son feels.

 

[herbavore]

Meetings are wonderful but sometimes people also like to receive support in the privacy of their home or behind an anonymous name. I think this thread will suit that need well .

I think that is what is so great about Bluelight. It isn't everything..it doesn't try to be or claim to be..but it is definitely a very powerful adjunct to battling not only addiction but many of the factors that can underlie and feed abuse and addiction; one of the main ones being a sense of isolation and disconnection from other people at a deeper level.

I agree that this thread is a great addition to the forum. Kudos to Stardust for starting it!

 

[bb corona]

I have to say I had the most horrific weekend ever.............. I sat with my son saturday night and last night, going through withdrawls...... its terrible, I hope to never see that again. As an onlooker, I dont think the physical part is as bad as the mental. I was so close to calling an ambulance. Today though he had his induction and is now on suboxone. God I hope this works.

 

[abdd1]

Hi bb corona,

My son recently started Suboxone after a terrible withdrawal and he's feeling great. He seems confident that he's done with heroin and that he wants to save his money and turn his life around. I hope Suboxone helps your son, too.

I'm so thankful for this message board. To have a drug addicted child seemed like such a horrible and lonely place to be. Thanks to all of you for being here.

 

[mrflowers00]

i hate seeing my dad addicted its so lame i know it hurts him to see me just like it is for me to see him but we ultimately just allow this to continue probably cause neither of us is ready to end it

 

[bb corona]

Mr flowers, maybe you guys should talk about how it hurts each of you. Maybe try to get help together. Work together instead of against each other. As a mother I would have never thought (before bluelight) that I could sit down and talk to my son about drugs. Before I would scream and yell, and threaten him. Now we have conversations about why he does heroin, why he cant stop, what it feels like to him etc. It has really helped me to understand him. And it got him to realize that he has to stop again. And that a 30mday program is just not enough for him. Just a suggestion!!!!!!!

 

[stardust.hero]

Wow usually we like to give people their own thread to recieve individual responses and support but I really love the idea of merging all of these threads. It really forms a sense of community and support between people who are going through the same thing. .

bb I love reading about your progress. You have a smart suboxone doctor, as suboxone is a hot commodity in the opiate world, especially for addicts who need to get clean quick or who are trying to get clean on their own. I have bought suboxone from the same person I purchased heroin from quite a few times (when I tried to quit) because another person who was their customer was a suboxone patient and sold their suboxone for a heroin. 4 days is perfect, that is wonderful!

It is hard to endure it let alone for a mother to have to watch their child in pain . He won't die if he is addicted to opiates alone. The pain will seem like it it killing you but it actually cannot kill you. (by the way bb, I'm loving hearing that some of the suggestions we gave to you worked and your son is talking calmly to you. I really think him knowing he has the support of his mother like this and having less guilt (yes addicts have a lot of guilt that compiles that doesn't help getting clean) will help him so much .

Hi abdd!! We just created this thread and it seems to be working well as a support mechanism (just as we had planned). Lots of great advice and support. bb, just a few days ago said she didn't even know how to use a forum and now today she is giving support and advice to other loved ones. AMAZING!!! !!

You need to take care of yourself as well abdd . Please come by and post anytime you want just to tell us how you are feeling. You guys need a place to come for support as well.

I am glad you are here too abdd . From your post, your son sounds like he is trying. Addiction is not all fun and games, as many may perceive it to be. Understand that your son most like does want to get clean but there are many things stacked against him. It is a tough battle. Your support and understanding will be so helpful to him. Suboxone is a very good thing and I think the best thing you can do is let him know you love him, believe him, and be as honest and calm as you can be. Of course, while maintaining your sanity lol.

Please visit us often and tell us of both of your progress .

 

[bb corona]

Hi all, wanted to give you an update. My son called me this morning to let me know he is on day 4 with no heroin, hes been on suboxone for two days, and hes a completely different person!!!!!!!! I love it and hope it holds out. Hes still a little depressed, but much much better.

@stardust, I think he does have a smart suboxone doctor, he hold his suboxone prisioner, if he doesnt pass opiate test, no suboxone, therefore it kinda deters him from selling it and getting heroin! Keeping my fingers crossed. Also you were so right, the advise to calmly talk and try to understand him is what broke our huge barrier, I now feel its better to be close and know then to be mad, hateful and estranged. Everyone have an awesome day!!!!!!!

 

[abdd1]

bb, I'm so glad to hear such a positive update! Hugs to you! I hope each day he feels better and makes progress in his recovery. I'm so happy for you both.

Because my son lives on his own, with two room mates (who are not users), it's hard for me to know for sure how he's doing. Over the past few years he's become a master at making us believe things are okay when they're not. He's become a skilled lier, so there's part of me that worries that I wouldn't know if he were still using simply because he's so good at hiding it. I wake up every morning exhausted because I have a recurring dream that I find him dead with a needle in his arm. It's such a sick feeling. There's part of me that's desperate to believe he is serious about recovery, but there's also the part of me that knows that heroin is not a drug that releases it's addicts, and that often an addicts will power just isn't strong enough, even with the aid of suboxone. I vacillate between feeling optimistic and preparing myself to be hurt. I guess the fact that he works a full time job and pays his own bills is a very good thing. He knows I won't give him money (Not just because of the drug habit. We believe parents pay for "needs", kids pay for "wants". If he wants to come home for dinner he certainly can, but I would never give him cash. That could be an entire thread on it's own).

I tell him every day that I'm proud of him and that if he struggles or just needs to talk about what he's going through that I'm hear to listen. He usually just tells me he's "fine" and "feels great" and asks me to not keep asking him about it. I feel like he pushes me away and that he rejects my efforts to support him in this.

I don't mean to be a negative Nancy, but today I've been consumed with fear and emotion.

 

[herbavore]

This is a good place to express the fear and the anger and the confusion. It is a safe space to do it and let's be honest, it comes with the territory. Do not worry about being negative--you need a place where you can worry and that will actually help you keep the lines of communication clearer with your son.

 

[bb corona]

@abdd1, my son was (and may still be) the ultimate liar. But just remember, that is the heroin talking, not your son. After only 5 days on suboxone, my son is wayyyyyyyyy different. We have been talking and he is starting to realize all the lies he told, stealing, cheating etc. I have to say im glad because that means he has morals!!!!! Hang in there, I just hope your son sees and decides to get help. I know my son is very early in recovery, but it so motivating for him to make it just another day. Just keep encouraging him and try to talk calmly (even though inside your screaming!!!!) And see his side. Its ugly but he my start to open up and realize you only want to help.

 

[bb corona]

Hi all, I hope all is well with every one. Abdd1 how are things?????? Hopefully good!!!! My son is now on day 6 with no heroin, day four of suboxone. Ive been reading up on suboxone, theres alot of good and some bad. But hopefully when the time comes to wean off the suboxone his whole mind set is good. I hear its just as bad or worse than opiates. Well just wanted to check in, would love to hear from you all, have a great day.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey bb.. Glad to hear things are going well I think now that the switch to suboxone has taken place I would not be in a huge hurry to try and have your son get off it. It provides a way for your son to "level out" his mind as he will stabilize and not be constantly going up and down from use. I believe that this is important for quite a few reasons not least of which the amazing difference you have already seen. another important aspect to this stabilization is the glimpse it provides to addicts of what a life away from the roller coaster looks like. It also allows for an addict to gain self confidence back and stabilize and enrich their lives and I think this can make a huge difference when an addict decides to make the jump into life without maintenance. I would encourage him to take this opportunity to begin to think about and develop a recovery plan. some of the things that a successful recovery plan usually address are the reason he used so prolifically in the first place (usually there is a root to addiction). A recovery plan will also address healing the wounds caused by the addiction itself and many of these may still be hidden by the use of the suboxone. Finally it will address the support and tools needed to live a peaceful and successful life without substances and ways to deal with the PAWS your son would experience if he discontinued use of the suboxone. I know its so desirable to want an addict to just get better, but unfortunately thats not how it works. Patience, effort, and perseverance wins this fight ; so at this point I wouldn't try and rush things.. let him get his bearings a little and take a deep breath.. as this journey for him has been harder than most non addicts ever think. So I would just give him time to calm down and in your talks please stress that it is so important for his happiness that he take the steps that are necessary for him to heal from this crazy ride.

Hang in there bb you guys are doing great

 

[ugly]

Much love and hugs to you bb. Once you are a bluelighter I will i.m. you.

I'm getting ready for meeting number four.

My daughter, the mother of the baby seen above, might attend WITH me tonight. I have NOT asked her to come. I have not said anything to anybody about where I go on Thursday now. (I think "anonymous* should mean SOMETHING.)

Even if she does not attend with me tonight at least she is curious. I have to set an example for her of what she CAN do. Not by what I say but only by what I do.

bb corona... I'm not trying to fix anyone or anything. I just KNOW that if I don't show my daughter an alternative to the crap life she has with her alcoholic husband.

She spies on him all the time and obsesses over ever beer he drinks. They have had violent fights in the past, with the alcoholic losing SORELY to my daughter.

I know in the deepest part of everything I have ever been or will ever be... I just know what is right for me to do right now. When it comes
to my four children and their spouses and children, I know I know I know I know

that I have to blaze the trail.

That's what being the matriarch of a large family really means. I'm just finding this stuff out. I'd give anything to talk to MY own grandmas about these things... but I already know what they would say.

They blazed the trails in their day. I must continue their leadership.

 

[bb corona]

@neversickanymore, im totally agree with you, this is a long haul. And I know there is a root to his problems, our next step once he is stabilized is counceling, my son and I have talked about it, he feels he has some issues to deal with, and is actually excited to find a councelor. I thank you very much for all your wisdom!!!!! I have learned this is a day by day thing, my daughter has warned me over and over it can change in the blink of an eye, and of course she is right. My son changed his phone number, and has, as he says deleted friends out of his life, I just have so much hope this time...

@ugly, thanks for the hugs, right back at ya!!! Ive been thinking on meetings myself and plan on trying to find one close to home this weekend, itmsounds like you are in the sMe position as me. I feel like I have to take care of the whole family, disfunctions and all. But I believe you are right, you have to take care of yourself first and lead by example, hopefully your children will follow. Have a great day.

 

[stardust.hero]

Ugly you are a lovely matriarch for your family. It's kind of funny as I watched this documentary on elephants and the oldest female (who is the matriarch) is usually the lifeline of the herd. She knows all of the tricks, the way to the water hole, the way to ward off prey and dangerous animals, and the knowledge to teach the younger mothers how to care and protect their young. If poachers kill her the herd has a much greater risk of dying off.

It's very much like that with humans...and like you. You have been down the same path they have, life, struggles, addiction, but you also know the way and you can lead them down the path of least resistance. You truly are the matriarch of that family and they need so you.

bb, your son sounds like he is making amazing progress every day. Counseling will be so helpful to him. The suboxone is going to keep him level (it does increase mood stability and that's great). You being there for him and allowing him to be honest is the most important thing. By the sounds of it he is being very honest with you. Ask him to tell you when he is feeling a craving so that you can comfort him and he won't have to bear that burden on his own. You will hopefully be able to support him enough to get him through it.

IF he ever falters and makes a mistake don't write him off. Forgive and move forward as always calm and understanding as it is a strong force that has latched onto your son and he is trying his hardest to get it to let go. Sometimes one falters but it doesn't mean it's the end of all. It's either forward or death. Just let him know he has to pick himself up and start over (if you ever come to this roadblock). I don't want to make you discouraged but I want to advice you on (what I think would be helpful in that situation) if it ever arises.

About going to a meeting. That sounds very good. I think both online and physical support is very good. It gives you the opportunity to talk for as long as you want all about you. Meetings you have to share space but you have physical people who are there in real life to support you. Both are wonderful. Do everything you can to live you life, trust your son and just move forward and live in the moment. Enjoy every happy moment you have.

I love that you come to give us updates. They are just so beautiful and bring a smile to my face. A mothers love is like nothing else.

 

[bb corona]

Thanks stardusthero, I have to give you kudos, for cheering us on, pointing out the good and the bad. Its awesome, gives us all points of view and makes me feel im not in this alone. Something a little funny this morning, my son is staying with me for a week or two, he said while im here mom we cant have tin foil in the house. I had no idea, but he said it is a major trigger to him. So I had to hide the dang tin foil!!!!! I guess you learn something new everyday. But I thought about it later and realized hes being more open with me and I love it. Hope everyone is doing well and love to hear from you all. Have a great day......

 

[stardust.hero]

Thanks bb love, but it's been a thread that was needed for a long time. I'm glad you sparked the idea and asked to start it.

On the note of your son bb, It's so wonderful you two are spending time together and he is actually expressing his triggers, coming from an addict, I can assure you that is a positive step. From the sounds of if your relationship is really starting to blossom again, which is well deserved for both of you. He is definitely opening up to you because you acted calmly and understanding. Addicts want to gain trust, but it's very hard after some of the things they do. Once they gain it back they feed off it and want that love and trust they once had. I know he's probably been feeling guilty and missing you because of his addiction, and now that you are back in his life offering support and guidance it is just going to help him so much in his sobriety. I am so happy for you two!

Hope everyone is having a lovely day! Can't wait to hear more updates! Love you all!