Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

[severely etarded]

Seith was one of us... He was the senior mod of AU/NZ section. I got worrid by his posts many times... tried to help but was helpless aside from caring words

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

After today at work, I've come to realize that I will have to spend hundreds of dollars this summer in order to replace the shit I have to run through cause work makes me sweat my fucking ass off, stretching out things I need to appear in public. I can't afford this. Ands thousands of dollars to go til I can stop buying these things that I need to appear in public. I can't take this. Sometimes I wish people thought I was already dead, cause that's how I feel. is that wrong?

 

[Where Wolf?]

Since two friends died, in '03-'04, I've been tuned into anniversaries to a difficult extent. It's about to be the anniversary of the beginning of a fairytale romance that turned into a nightmare, ending on Xmas eve: for 3.5 months afterwards, I medicated myself through the days, while letting my job and other responsibilities drift: it was a small habit, and not that tough to kick (morphine/oxy/hydro/fentanyl) with a taper.

I've also been on benzos for a year, and have been having trouble tapering, as all I want to do is sleep. I can't seem to start getting over the relationship: or to care about anything else. I'm sick of depression, sick of having to take pills, sick of a job and career I once cared passionately about, and still wounded/angry about the fairly brutal way my ex ended things.

If this is a patriarchal society, in which men enjoy advantages, I keep wondering why my exes have exploited and abused me emotionally - friends used to joke my taste in women was sheer emotional masochism. But since that last spin on the romantic merry-go-round, I've lost faith in my ability to form a relationship again: I don't even want to. What the fuck does an addled depressive have to offer anyone?

Career goals, too, seem hollow and empty. I just don't know what to do, how to get moving again, and as the poster above said, wish people thought I was dead already. There have to be ways of starting again. Just talking to friends and family hasn't helped - shrinks have been worse than useless.

To quote Andrew Solomon, cheap pimp for big pharma though he is, depression feels like knowledge - maybe, on one level it is. This life is cruel, and sometimes seems unnecessary, gratuitous, a universe devoid of meaning save those arbitrary ones that we impose: and I can't see past that darkness now.

It's probably a good thing I'm far away from the land of the free and the right to bear arms. Today, eating a gun seems like the only solution. And I'm tired of hearing 'it'll get better.' Right, time heals everything. I'm waiting...

 

[Jabberwocky]

Where wolf since you hate hearing it will get better I'll just let you know I hear you.

I think really valuable resources can go unnoticed when one doesn't believe that anything can get get any better. It hurts a lot. Anger too can make one unwilling to try anything more because life took stuff from us and it is really unforgivable. I did eventually forgive what life has taken from me somewhat. My grudge against life was killing me too much not to.

 

[Where Wolf?]

Where wolf since you hate hearing it will get better I'll just let you know I hear you.

I think really valuable resources can go unnoticed when one doesn't believe that anything can get get any better. It hurts a lot. Anger too can make one unwilling to try anything more because life took stuff from us and it is really unforgivable. I did eventually forgive what life has taken from me somewhat. My grudge against life was killing me too much not to.

Thanks for hearing, Enki. Anger...yes. Depression, they say, is just anger turned inwards.

There's been too much suicide in my family. I won't die at my own hand. I'm not sure that means I can progress beyond this bitterness, or that I'm going to get better. But much as forgiveness eludes me, too many people would be hurt by my death.

Tvi Go'el

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thanks man.

I've took a lot of diazepam and some vodka. Im going to take a heroic dose of mushrooms. Maybe that will make me realise life is worth living. Tha pain is to much just now.

Take care guys.
Pb109

Hey Pb, I hope you're feeling better today. Let us know how you're going okay?

One of my friends, a poster in this thread, has passed away this morning apparently. He was a fellow moderator for Pillreports, in the AU/NZ section. I don't know what to say. I am very upset

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?p=9643525#post9643525

We miss you Seith...

I am so sorry for this tragic loss. It is always heartbreaking when we lose one of our own
RIP Seith

 

[Captain.Heroin]

After today at work, I've come to realize that I will have to spend hundreds of dollars this summer in order to replace the shit I have to run through cause work makes me sweat my fucking ass off, stretching out things I need to appear in public. I can't afford this. Ands thousands of dollars to go til I can stop buying these things that I need to appear in public. I can't take this. Sometimes I wish people thought I was already dead, cause that's how I feel. is that wrong?

It's not wrong, I just know you won't feel that way all the time, this will pass.

Many people struggle with not making enough money, however, I think for one reason or another - things should get better for you soon.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ He's right ZAP, life is always going in cycles for me in terms of money and depression and alcoholism and eating disorders etc. But when things are going badly, life ALWAYS improves eventually. And everyone else goes through the same cycles as well. We're all in this together

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I'm torn between the fact that I'll never be what I should've been from day one, at least not in ways that everyone else can see. And its like withdrawal. You crave what you can never have. It makes me sick inside. This pain is torment. I am never happy, cause the one thing everyone takes for granted, I'm denied. Its not even about conforming to society. Its about the shit I feel inside.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Yeah I know mate. But you are one of the strongest people I've ever come across on here, and I know you can pull through any adversity. So just hang in there okay? Tomorrow is a new day.

Hey, if you ever want to talk about anything one-on-one please feel free to PM me okay? Sometimes it helps just to vent about stuff

 

[Where Wolf?]

Never had any contact with Seith, but it's terrible to hear of a Bluelighter's death.

Struggling with constant ideation, and an emotional exhaustion: brewed some PPT to take the edge off, and now at least a numbness has set in. But this is obviously not a long-term solution.

The worst aspect of this depression has been that I just don't seem to want anything anymore except sleep. I don't know if PAWS is part of the reason, and indulging again isn't smart, I know, but it takes the pain away some, and I don't really have access to much else (cut off a lot of contacts when kicking the opis...)

Cioran wrote something like 'The preoccupation with suicide is the hallmark of one who can neither live, nor die.' I think that's where I am - escape fantasy, but despite an attempt years ago that was far from trivial, this current, tedious, when-will-it-end depression is just suspended animation. Though I feel pretty inanimate. I've been happy in the past, or at least, enjoyed life, but it feels like that was a different person. All rings hollow and flat: I should be working 12-hour days to catch up, and it's an effort to even cross the street for cigarettes.

Ah, screw it. I'm gonna smoke a stale cigar and hope this third cup brings a nod on. I don't even give a shit if it results in wd again - anything to just quiet down the turmoil in my mind.

I was supposed to be getting married this summer - now we're not even talking, and my depression is basically what drove her away. Worst thing is, I can't blame her, and hope for any sort of future romance has abandoned me. How the hell do people find the energy to be happy, functional, sane? I've been those things before...but now I'm nowhere, zone of the inbetweens.

I'd kill for a joint, but the effort of copping is beyond me. Nothing could drag me out into the streets today.

Good luck and sympathy, for what it's worth, to all in a similar place. Let's remember that, paraphrasing Cioran again, 'to deprive oneself of life is to deprive oneself, too, of the pleasures of deriding it.'

For what they're worth.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Yeah I know mate. But you are one of the strongest people I've ever come across on here, and I know you can pull through any adversity. So just hang in there okay? Tomorrow is a new day.

Hey, if you ever want to talk about anything one-on-one please feel free to PM me okay? Sometimes it helps just to vent about stuff

This is very true, you and TAOW are the strongest people I have come across while on Bluelight.

I have a lot of respect for you ZAP, as well as TAOW specifically.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

The worst aspect of this depression has been that I just don't seem to want anything anymore except sleep. I don't know if PAWS is part of the reason, and indulging again isn't smart, I know, but it takes the pain away some, and I don't really have access to much else (cut off a lot of contacts when kicking the opis...)

This is definitely something I noticed very heavily during PAWS.

I always had this problem as a child though and I realized after I was diagnosed that I really do have ADHD.

Only a few years later did I get medicated and feel more like the self I should be.

The PAWS was specifically bad in this area of my life though and it definitely took at least an entire year to get past. However, I realize now that this was OK for me and I am still fully happy with myself and my life.

it's an effort to even cross the street for cigarettes.

Smoking more than 10 cigarettes per day increases your likelihood for anxiety, which can exacerbate depression. I also think that due to nicotine's short duration of effects, smokers also tend to become depressed when they are physically dependent on nicotine to the point where you aren't going to feel anything but normal on the drug, and rather abnormal without it. This is definitely probably true of all drugs but nicotine can cause serious depression in people. I have definitely seen it happen.

I was supposed to be getting married this summer - now we're not even talking, and my depression is basically what drove her away. Worst thing is, I can't blame her, and hope for any sort of future romance has abandoned me. How the hell do people find the energy to be happy, functional, sane? I've been those things before...but now I'm nowhere, zone of the inbetweens.

I'd kill for a joint, but the effort of copping is beyond me. Nothing could drag me out into the streets today.

Good luck and sympathy, for what it's worth, to all in a similar place. Let's remember that, paraphrasing Cioran again, 'to deprive oneself of life is to deprive oneself, too, of the pleasures of deriding it.'

For what they're worth.

Why are you and her not on speaking terms? It's OK if you would rather PM me or not talk about it/think about it at all, I just hope that you realize that your life can still go forward and you can still be happy in life.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Nicotine can cause depression eh? I've been on nicotine patches a few days and inbetween all this shit, its a struggle. Don't ask me why I decided to quit now...but I did.

I haven't spoken to TAOW personally, but if you say you have respect for them as a strong person...I need to search this person's posts...right meow. find the secret to being strong or something.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Nicotine can cause depression eh? I've been on nicotine patches a few days and inbetween all this shit, its a struggle. Don't ask me why I decided to quit now...but I did.

I haven't spoken to TAOW personally, but if you say you have respect for them as a strong person...I need to search this person's posts...right meow. find the secret to being strong or something.

I guess you just have to find the drive to prevail against all odds you have against you. I know we all have this power and drive - it's just sometimes difficult to find it within yourself.

 

[Where Wolf?]

Waay too much detail - mods, you can delete this post,

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I feel like I post in this thread a lot...but oh well. Its cuz people here get it.

Does anybody else swing from violently suicidal to happy enough to live for the time being in 2.5? I'm not bipolar I know that much. Its just little glimmers of hope that arelike oh, hey...then FUCK! Repeat. And my wanting ot not wanting to desire to live changes with little shit like that.

 

[Where Wolf?]

I feel like I post in this thread a lot...but oh well. Its cuz people here get it.

Does anybody else swing from violently suicidal to happy enough to live for the time being in 2.5? I'm not bipolar I know that much. Its just little glimmers of hope that arelike oh, hey...then FUCK! Repeat. And my wanting ot not wanting to desire to live changes with little shit like that.

I used to, when younger, but now I don't really get the upswings, any more. But at 19, I felt SO alive on a Greyhound pulling into Manhattan: then suicidal, an hour later, after getting ripped off over a couple of rocks, dumb little fuck that I was.

And I don't even like coke.

But now, it's one big, black cloud: it rains sometimes, floods of pissy, tears, monsoons of self-pity and irreversible regret, but no light shines inside: hope has gone the way of the flesh, though I tell myself it will get better. That's what everybody says, right? There's a corner I'm about to turn...any second. Any second now...

This is the problem with addiction, especially as you get older: junk drains the brain's ability to generate endorphins, stims fuck with dopamine, and in some cases serotonin: we use up all the endogenous 'feelgood' neurochemicals, and leave ourselves shaking and clucking with PAWS or post-stimulant depression. With benzos, dopamine and adrenalin come flooding back in withdrawal, making for a special kind of anxious hell. But the brain can heal, in time, laying down new pathways.

From what I've read of your posts, Zombie, you aren't a Zombie at all. You'll bounce back - and those of us who've looked death in the eye and walked away do come out stronger, when we're out the other side. You're much stronger than you think, I suspect, and you'll get stronger still.

And I've been posting too much in this thread, too.

 

[zie doktor]

best combo

does anyone have any advice on <Hi zie doktor, it is actually illegal to assist someone with suicide so we can't allow posts like this - n3o> Please, sociopathic responses only

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Hey man, welcome to The Dark Side
By making your intentions known to all of us here on a public forum tells me that you don't really want to die. We are here to help you. What is making you feel like suicide is an option for you? What else have you tried to overcome the issues you're currently facing?

Talk to us