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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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What's gets me down is mostly the state of the world. I got hundreds of fake facebook friends but i feel lonely. I haven't had a girlfriend since highschool. Now that i have done drugs i feel like my contentment will be way to high to reach. It's not about having friends or attention from girls i found. Im way to cynical about humans...maybe i watch to much CNN?Why did i have i grow up middleclass when there are so many poor children? You know how when your real young life seems so magical? Then you find out how humans really are and that you cant control mother nature.
 
bignig5971 said:
What's gets me down is mostly the state of the world. I got hundreds of fake facebook friends but i feel lonely. I haven't had a girlfriend since highschool. Now that i have done drugs i feel like my contentment will be way to high to reach. It's not about having friends or attention from girls i found. Im way to cynical about humans...maybe i watch to much CNN?Why did i have i grow up middleclass when there are so many poor children? You know how when your real young life seems so magical? Then you find out how humans really are and that you cant control mother nature.
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I have 200 FB friends and know oh.....maybe 20% in person. Probably less. Most are people I've seen a few times, but I dislike social situations and I work all the time. I'm actually glad that work gives me a valid excuse to drop off the face of the earth to everyone.

Its not the drugs that made my contentment impossible to satisfy, its the fact that I'm ADD, and I get so bored with shit over and over, what is stimulating to me now is boring in an hour. So it leads to perpetual disatisfaction, constantly chasing a new level of high, whether it be from drugs or from other things. It gets old. Everything gets old. It leads to depression, inevitably.

I hate humans in general. For reasons I won't go into, it would take too long. but you're not alone. Life does seem magical when you're young, then you grow up, shit hits the fan...hard. Splatters everywhere. And you gotta struggle to clean it up or wade through the shit, or give in.
 
bignig5971 said:
What's gets me down is mostly the state of the world. I got hundreds of fake facebook friends but i feel lonely. I haven't had a girlfriend since highschool. Now that i have done drugs i feel like my contentment will be way to high to reach. It's not about having friends or attention from girls i found. Im way to cynical about humans...maybe i watch to much CNN?Why did i have i grow up middleclass when there are so many poor children? You know how when your real young life seems so magical? Then you find out how humans really are and that you cant control mother nature.
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How old are you?
 
Twenty-five. Maybe I have a lower emotional maturity level? When i got out of rehab a few years ago i was told that we stop maturing when we started using. Im in college but dont do much else.
 
Ever feel like its easy to give advice to others on how to improve thier life but we cant help our own? I tell people that even though im studying psychology it dosn't really help me in my own life. I guess we just gotta keep taking things day by day.
 
Usually the shit I ask people, I know the answer to, I just don't want to hear the answer, so I ask someone else in an attempt to get a different answer, so then I have an excuse to go against the answer that I already know is right in my head.

Basically, I know HOW, generally, to better my own life. It comes down to being a stubborn ass, and most of the shit I'm unsatisfied with or which causes depression and shit, is shit I can't help and never asked for, and can't fix without thousands of dollars. Lately I quit relying on other people cause I usually end up hearing people give me the same advice that I already have in my head, and I don't like opening up to people, so I feel like I become stronger by relying on myself and not other people constantly. I used to be insanely codependent, once upon a time. Over a year ago that changed when I went through being homeless and shit. It changed alot about me.

I'll give people advice all day though, if they ask for it. I'm a deep person and me and my best friend thrive on deep shit like that....but most people don't dig deep conversation and shit, so I keep it to a minimum with everyone else.
 
bignig5971 said:
Twenty-five. Maybe I have a lower emotional maturity level? When i got out of rehab a few years ago i was told that we stop maturing when we started using. Im in college but dont do much else.
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No, this isn't true, I don't believe that at all.

You can always mature, at any age, using or not. :)

bignig5971 said:
Ever feel like its easy to give advice to others on how to improve thier life but we cant help our own? I tell people that even though im studying psychology it dosn't really help me in my own life. I guess we just gotta keep taking things day by day.
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I think that there's things we can teach others, that we just can't teach ourselves.

This is why having friends is beneficial. :)
 
chinup said:
i don't know any more, i have had the following diagnoses: anorexia, depression, amounting to repeated suicide attempts, generalised anxiety, bulimia, possible bipolar. in addition, dependencies to weed and benzos, i know thats not much for TDS but worth a mention to fully answer your question. thats too much for one person to cope with. i've been like this for more than a decade and i have tried so hard.

now i just want to make everyone hate me so they'll be glad when i die but tomorrow it may be a differerent story. i have been experiencing suicidal ideation for about 6 months. i have survived thus ffar by exacerbating drug dependencies and behaving abominably to those who love me. i'm startng to think it wouldn't just be me i'd be doing a favour.
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Chinup honey.. I hope you are feeling a bit brighter today. You have people who care about you a lot. Your boyfriend clearly does.. and I do, despite only having met you recently! Please do give me a pm/text/ring if you are getting desperate at any point, I've rang people before who have talked me out of actively committing suicide, I am more than happy to talk to you if you need someone and I know what it feels like <3 If not me, please ring the samaritans...

Have you spoken to your boyfriend or family openly and honestly about this, rather than covering it up and pretending you are okay? Are you seeing anyone (counsellor/psychotherapist/psychiatrist/GP) at the mo? Is there someone at your uni you could talk to, a counsellor or someone, if you aren't getting the help you need elsewhere?

In the short therm, are there any steps you can do to make your life a little bit easier?

There are always ways out apart from suicide.. killing yourself is so final, no chance for anything to get better. You are alive at the moment, therefore there is hope. And as I'm sure you know there is no way for you to make those close to you hate you enough so that they won't be devastated if you go through with it.

Things will get better, they really will <3
 
chinup said:
i'm startng to think it wouldn't just be me i'd be doing a favour.
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That's just not true. People want the same for you as you do yourself: to be happy and content, nothing more and nothing less, and you will be if you keep fighting. It won't be an epiphany, but gradually you'll gain strength. It's difficult to imagine it when you're at your lowest ebb, but there will come a time when all the negativity you feel crushed by will cease to matter and you'll wonder how you ever let it get to you so much.

You just have to keep fighting for it. It's worth it, trust.
 
effie said:
You are alive at the moment, therefore there is hope.


And as I'm sure you know there is no way for you to make those close to you hate you enough so that they won't be devastated if you go through with it.
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both very true. i get so annoyed with myself. i've been handed my life on a silver platter and can't make it good. i look at my family history and think some people are just destined to suffer, and i am one of those. usually i am strong enough to bear it but i've been cracking more and more recently.

i feel much better than i did when i posted that and have an urgent psych referral, meaning i should get seen in weeks not months. i don't actively want to die right now but wouldn't really care if i had an accident. my boyf is well aware of whats going on, my parents know i'm very stressed and i've somewhat confided in my sister. i'm fed up of being a burden to them. if i can't make them hate me then maybe i can just make them relieved to be rid of me.

i've been trying to get my head down with work but its so difficult at the moment, i need that to start going somewhere. i feel like i'm going to fail my phd, and if i can't even do that then how can i do a real job? i've spent so long just concentrating on not being a total fuckup that i've not had the chance to develop general life coping skills.

thanks for the replies and support guys.
 
chinup said:
both very true. i get so annoyed with myself. i've been handed my life on a silver platter and can't make it good. i look at my family history and think some people are just destined to suffer, and i am one of those. usually i am strong enough to bear it but i've been cracking more and more recently.

i feel much better than i did when i posted that and have an urgent psych referral, meaning i should get seen in weeks not months. i don't actively want to die right now but wouldn't really care if i had an accident. my boyf is well aware of whats going on, my parents know i'm very stressed and i've somewhat confided in my sister. i'm fed up of being a burden to them. if i can't make them hate me then maybe i can just make them relieved to be rid of me.

i've been trying to get my head down with work but its so difficult at the moment, i need that to start going somewhere. i feel like i'm going to fail my phd, and if i can't even do that then how can i do a real job? i've spent so long just concentrating on not being a total fuckup that i've not had the chance to develop general life coping skills.

thanks for the replies and support guys.
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Life can really be overwhelming, but we're all here to talk it out with each other. :) You're not a burden to your parents or anyone else, I know how it's like to feel this, but it's not true.

Do you have a plan for overcoming some of these things you talked about here?
 
Its nice to have a thread to talk about this issue, i have some kind of trauma with suicide, my mother shot herself when i was 9 years old, i heard the sound of the gun and tought it was a bomb so i walk in the bathroom and see all that mess, that shit really fuck me up, im 26 years old now, since that day i became kind of obsessive about suicide, its wierd to talk about, its like i dont want to think about suicide but i cant control, its the first thing that pop up in my head, when i turn the engine of the car i used to think "crash it on a truck", when i saw a belt i used to think "hang my self", when i cross a bridge "jump it", anyway...today im ok, i have a 4 months old baby girl, hardly think this kind of stuff anymore, sometimes it happens but not with the same intensity of the early years...
 
Captain.Heroin said:

Do you have a plan for overcoming some of these things you talked about here? [/COLOR]
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I'm trying not to beat myself up for not working much/well, but for that to be a viable plan I need to tell the uni about everything, hopefully given there's no complaints so far about my work they'll be ok.

i have a psychiatrists appointment next wednesday.

i'm trying to give myself more credit for the real work i am doing to look after myself in terms of not relapsing into anorexia and massively reducing my enzo consumption, both of which are thankless tasks frankly. i feel like i'm fucking up but really things could be going far far worse for me right now and the reason they aren't is due to my own determination.

i want to join a meditation or yoga class.

a lot of it is situational. if I can just get to my transfer and get recommended to continue on the phd programme (i don't think i can with my current results but there's enough time to make smething), and just get one real result for my thesis, i'll have something concrete to justify feeling like i can do it. if i can cope until then, i honestly think a lot of this will go away.

broadcast- i was so sorry to read that. i'm glad you've found a place where you feel like you can talk about it. i totally get the seeing everything as something to potentially kill yourself with too, pretty bleak. i don't do it anymore as after much thought i decided i'd only ever do it 2 potential ways.
 
broadcast.messiah said:
Its nice to have a thread to talk about this issue, i have some kind of trauma with suicide, my mother shot herself when i was 9 years old, i heard the sound of the gun and tought it was a bomb so i walk in the bathroom and see all that mess, that shit really fuck me up, im 26 years old now, since that day i became kind of obsessive about suicide, its wierd to talk about, its like i dont want to think about suicide but i cant control, its the first thing that pop up in my head, when i turn the engine of the car i used to think "crash it on a truck", when i saw a belt i used to think "hang my self", when i cross a bridge "jump it", anyway...today im ok, i have a 4 months old baby girl, hardly think this kind of stuff anymore, sometimes it happens but not with the same intensity of the early years...
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I am sorry to hear you went through this :( - have you tried talking to other people about it?

chinup said:
I'm trying not to beat myself up for not working much/well, but for that to be a viable plan I need to tell the uni about everything, hopefully given there's no complaints so far about my work they'll be ok.

i have a psychiatrists appointment next wednesday.

i'm trying to give myself more credit for the real work i am doing to look after myself in terms of not relapsing into anorexia and massively reducing my enzo consumption, both of which are thankless tasks frankly. i feel like i'm fucking up but really things could be going far far worse for me right now and the reason they aren't is due to my own determination.

i want to join a meditation or yoga class.

a lot of it is situational. if I can just get to my transfer and get recommended to continue on the phd programme (i don't think i can with my current results but there's enough time to make smething), and just get one real result for my thesis, i'll have something concrete to justify feeling like i can do it. if i can cope until then, i honestly think a lot of this will go away.
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I'm hoping that everything keeps going smoothly for you! Feel free to PM me any time you'd like.
 
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i just want to say you mods do an amazing job here. not just as a moderator but as a human being. the amount of love and respect you put into doing something for nothing in return except maybe the hope that you helped someone. it is truly inspirational. i tilt my hat to you guys and girls.
 
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