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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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Thanks guys <3 yeah, I feel relieved knowing that help is on the way, and it didn't take going to an ER. I'm still incredibly frustrated about the situation, and that it was so difficult to get help, but I spent tonight talking to a fellow BLer on the phone for several hours which really helped as well. I've only come to my computer for the last few days to check this thread really, and at the moment I feel as if BL may have even saved my life. I only ate a bowl of cereal yesterday and some french onion soup my roommate made for me today, but even the counselor people said its okay to not want to eat, and as long as I'm keeping hydrated since I've cried so much, it's all that matters at the moment. I'm really hoping they get me an appointment sooner rather than later...I'll find out tomorrow at least, and at this point I can stand another 12 hours of waiting to know.


EDIT: They just called and got me an appointment for 3pm today, but it's just with a counselor, they said NONE of the agencies would take my insurance so I'll have to have her set me up with someone who can prescribe medication. Not the best news knowing that if I do need meds they can be months away, but at least I have the therapy appointment which is what I really wanted.
 
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purple_cloud said:
There are a few private providers in the insurance network I'm going to try...this just means taking random guesses at doctors though, and not a team of them.
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Every state in the United States has a process where you can complain about doctors if they are not doing their jobs right; you can review psychiatrists to see if anyone has complained about them, so that you can know going into the situation if they are going to likely cause problems for you or not.

I would suggest doing this. I don't live in your state but I am sure that it wouldn't be too hard to research and find this stuff out. :)

I was thinking of this one place specializing in lots of things but under a religious name (the place that asked that tricky drug question was Jewish, this one is Catholic) and if not try individual providers. What should I try first after that, clinical psychologist, then psychiatrist, preferably not a social worker I'd think. I hear that a clinical psychologist can refer you to a psychiatrist for the medication part of the treatment but I'm sorta trying to do this as cheaply as possible, I basically have 50 visits I can use until august but each one has a $20 copay soo...that is gonna add up I think. Any advice CH? Or Pip? Or you others that are in the US and seem to know something about this? (Dunno if it varies in other places).
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Interesting. I am not sure what your best bet is, but for me, it was to go see a psychiatrist directly. I asked a family member who they go to see, and I went to see them as well.

If you are interested in finding out a diagnosis, or exploring other ways to deal with issues other than medications, a clinical psychologist sounds like a good first step. :)

swmo said:
death is just so damn final. there's absolutely no further discussion of plans. plans like from going to the convenience store for a pack of smokes or a coffee/soda, to plans that could've lasted a lifetime.
the answer to your plans lays empty now. there's no discussing it. there was no foolish mistake between us to blame it on or make up for it.
i know you didn't OD on purpose. But, honestly, you obviously thought you were more than you were on this last run. You had a false sense of invincibility about you &, remember, we weren't even going to push the envelope any more. and you told me i'd be able to regulate you, balance you. but i couldn't from so far away. I'd even go so far as to say that you'd still be alive if i was there that night. I'd have said whoa and it woulda been cool, you wouldn't have got bitchy with me. You just knew I was looking out for your best interest. How many times did we discuss me as your balance and that you'd listen? Damn! And now, at 47, I find it hard to find someone that gets me and i get them too. LIKE WE DID in such an amazing short time. i've had my share of hardships, as everyone has, but you fucking dying was not supposed to be the biggest slap in my face ever!
i'm accepting, but i damn sure don't have to like it!
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You can still find someone else who gets you swmo. It may take time but it will happen.

purple_cloud said:
Thanks guys <3 yeah, I feel relieved knowing that help is on the way, and it didn't take going to an ER. I'm still incredibly frustrated about the situation, and that it was so difficult to get help, but I spent tonight talking to a fellow BLer on the phone for several hours which really helped as well. I've only come to my computer for the last few days to check this thread really, and at the moment I feel as if BL may have even saved my life. I only ate a bowl of cereal yesterday and some french onion soup my roommate made for me today, but even the counselor people said its okay to not want to eat, and as long as I'm keeping hydrated since I've cried so much, it's all that matters at the moment. I'm really hoping they get me an appointment sooner rather than later...I'll find out tomorrow at least, and at this point I can stand another 12 hours of waiting to know.


EDIT: They just called and got me an appointment for 3pm today, but it's just with a counselor, they said NONE of the agencies would take my insurance so I'll have to have her set me up with someone who can prescribe medication. Not the best news knowing that if I do need meds they can be months away, but at least I have the therapy appointment which is what I really wanted.
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Damn, I am sorry to hear it could take months to get medication if you need it. But at least you have started the process, so you can get some help.

You can always PM me if you would like to P_C, I hope you are feeling better today.
 
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Guys - I've been real real tempted to cut recently, last night I was grateful to have a close friend to call due to the level of suicidal I had gotten too.

I don't understand, I'm making progress in every area I have applied myself too. But for life of me I can't stop with the thoughts yet, and cutting and burning made it SO much worse - the months I didn't admit and hid that problem the suicidal side became so apparent. I don't understand :( I don't want to die I really know I don't want to. But their are SO many moments throughout the tday I have to repeat it over and over again - I am confused why I still fantasize about killing myself, hurting myself.

It's really humiliating because I've tried to get myself to not have these thoughts. I'm hoping therapy will help this. I really get worried now and that scares me :(.
 
theartofwar said:
Guys - I've been real real tempted to cut recently, last night I was grateful to have a close friend to call due to the level of suicidal I had gotten too.

I don't understand, I'm making progress in every area I have applied myself too. But for life of me I can't stop with the thoughts yet, and cutting and burning made it SO much worse - the months I didn't admit and hid that problem the suicidal side became so apparent. I don't understand :( I don't want to die I really know I don't want to. But their are SO many moments throughout the tday I have to repeat it over and over again - I am confused why I still fantasize about killing myself, hurting myself.

It's really humiliating because I've tried to get myself to not have these thoughts. I'm hoping therapy will help this. I really get worried now and that scares me :(.
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I don't have any great advice, or any answers to why you feel the way you do. What I do have though, is compassion, and understanding for what you're going through. Everyday I live I wish I didn't wake up. I don't know how to fix it either, but the only thing that keeps me going is the fact people would miss me if I died :\ Don't hurt yourself, man. You hurt other people too.
 
theartofwar said:
Guys - I've been real real tempted to cut recently, last night I was grateful to have a close friend to call due to the level of suicidal I had gotten too.

I don't understand, I'm making progress in every area I have applied myself too. But for life of me I can't stop with the thoughts yet, and cutting and burning made it SO much worse - the months I didn't admit and hid that problem the suicidal side became so apparent. I don't understand :( I don't want to die I really know I don't want to. But their are SO many moments throughout the tday I have to repeat it over and over again - I am confused why I still fantasize about killing myself, hurting myself.

It's really humiliating because I've tried to get myself to not have these thoughts. I'm hoping therapy will help this. I really get worried now and that scares me :(.
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I think that this is a way for you to deal with trauma. Try to follow my line of logic here.

When you experience trauma, it's like jumping into a freezing cold swimming pool. It's shocking, horrifying, you start shaking and have tons of twitches and goosebumps upon immediately striking the water with your entire body.

Then as the trauma continues to sting your tactile senses (i.e. the stress is immediately causing your mental faculties to go into panic and anxiety), your mind starts looking for ways to avoid the unpleasant experiences.

If you know you want to keep living, then that is what's up, and hopefully you will stay alive. Keep talking it out, share what you feel comfortable with, and eventually these feelings will make sense, and you may be able to move past them.

If you are unable to move past these feelings, you certainly don't have to act upon them, and you are still in control of yourself. I hope that this made some sense.
 
Both statements from you guys really helped.
@ severely etarted - the way you said that, wake up everyday with the feeling. I fucking hate it. I can smile and laugh and still be thinking about it in the background. It's fucked up, and I hate admitting it because I feel people will never look at me as anything more than a fake covering up the fact I think about suicide constantly. I do love my life, I do want to live, why I want to kill myself is beyond me, I have theories but no answers - and the obsession continues.
@ CH - you know me well enough to know trauma has been the focal point of my life - therapy has brought up the toughest parts of it and since i've been flashbacks / suicide has been a HUGE part of my daily thought process.

I do feel in control, I just feel rather miserable that people love me and I sit around thinking about killing myself, shit I was lifting the other day and randomly boom started down that road - fucking lifting ???? Come on. Why does this shit float around in my brain.
 
Fight the feeling man - live in the reason to live bro, it's all we got sometimes. People love and care for you, this is all that one can ask out of life - the rest is never fair and is a crap shoot.
 
^ ya it was pretty fucked up. Me, my phone, and my ID... Nobody ever goes on the roof of that garage... I could jump and probably wouldn't be found until the next day. It's high enough I know if I dive head first no doubt I will die fast. I go there a lot though, to look down and fantasize jumping to my death. It's my dark side... It's so tempting.

It's 18 degrees tonight and windy, I've been thinking about takin some xanax and a couple shots of grey goose, wetting my clothes and finding a semi-secluded windy spot nobody will find me till the morning... :(
 
^you've got lots more pills to review and lives to save, don't dip out just yet

Enjoy your 18 degrees, it's zero here in buffalo =p



Drink that goose and eat that zan inside, wrapped up in a blanket, tomorrow is a new day


In the name of OCD like tendencies, I might end this here at a nice even number...... but 2500 is a lot even-er haha
 
heh I decided not to.. I was thinking about taking enough xan to pass out outside, I got about a .750 and a 1.75 full of goose ... I wonder if it would be quick and painless like in my sleep if I did it like that.. jumping is scary, going to sleep on xanax in the cold would seem peaceful... And much easier clean up (I'd be just about frozen.)

How's life going with you dude?
 
floating along.. just trying my best to ignore things and keep up in school while fighting up hill do get appropriate meds.. I first approached them maybe two years ago with text book adhd and a history going back agreeing with that notion to as young as I can remember. Family history all around. But they can't diagnose adhd through the school, they don't want to be a pill mill so they focused on how I was depressed and anxious (about not being able to fucking focus in school). Two years later and I find myself partially numbed out on a shitty tricyclic antidepressant to the reality I find myself in but with no actual improvement to the focus issues and the added chest pains from time to time. Now I'm taking a 400 level psychc course, we just did the ADHD chapter and it just leaves me pissed off. (The first chapter I actually read on time because I had to submit questions before class on it. Only cost me like 7.50 and adderall off the street and 6 hours to get through but w.e....)

buying meds seems a lot easier than working with the broken bureaucracy of my schools health plan
 
Dragynfyr said:
buying meds seems a lot easier than working with the broken bureaucracy of my schools health plan
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You know I know how that feels. :\ It's been like two weeks since I posted in here about wanting to find help, right? Would you all believe I STILL DON'T HAVE A PSYCHIATRIST APPOINTMENT ALTHOUGH I HAVE A REFERRAL FROM MY CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER? Every place I called either didn't call back, or told me their earliest appointment was at some time in May. Seriously, trying to get any mental help with the shitty health insurance both Dragynfyr and I have is next to impossible. Apparently I will be receiving a call tomorrow from a psych nurse for an appointment in about 3 weeks --- they wouldn't return my calls, it took my counselor to call them to even get them to pay attention to me. In all honesty, having government issued insurance is probably better --- everywhere seems to take that. I also found out that "50 visits a year" assumes they are free or cheap, in my case it's more like, 5 visits and then I'll be unemployed but shelling out $100+ a week if I want to keep receiving any help. Fucking awesome, right?

Lots of love to everyone in this thread though...I know a lot of us are currently experiencing sub zero temperatures with lots of snow and wind. This terrible winter will be over soon...and hopefully there's something brighter in the future for all of us. I'm trying to think that way now, since it seems like my only hope for keeping myself alive to get through the next few months. :(
 
let me know if you wanna hit a bar or something... I'm thinkin I'm gonna hop in the shower for the first time in a few days to get presentable for a bar trip haha
 
^ totally lol I've actually graphed it out. Imagine a sine wave, but one that starts small but the further to the right you go the higher the peaks are and the lower the valleys. I figure that's life on paper, the good things keep getting better, and the bad things that happen after the good keep getting worse. It's wanting to see how good the next peak is that keeps us alive
 
Sadly, when it comes down to how much the doctor, or psychiatrist will charge, and how much medication with poor health insurance will cost, sometimes buying medication off of friends, family, and others who can tell we need it for legitimate reasons and not because we are addicted to it. Other times some people just buy it off of whomever may have it.

This is a major flaw of the US patent system, how drug patents work have fucked over many people for a long time.

This isn't a reason to give up hope though. Five visits with a psychiatrist can help out a lot. For instance, you can see a psychiatrist, get medication. The next month, come back and make sure all is well. Then you can start going to the doctor every other month; if you are on any meds that you can't get refills on, you should be able to schedule a pick up on the next prescription. :)

This way, you can get 9 months of medicine and psychiatrist appointments out of 5 visits. If you explain up front to the psychiatrist how the insurance works for you, they should try to fit treatment around your schedule.

Is this OK/the best way to do things? Of course not, but that's not to say you still can't try to make the most of it.

I know you both are doing all you can to make the most of it as well, so keep trying and don't give up. I have fairly good health insurance, but what good does it do you without the right doctor? None, in fact. I have only recently found a psychiatrist that is a lot more down to earth. This has helped me to do much better this semester.
 
theartofwar said:
How do suicide hotlnes work - if you call and they get worried can they call 911 on you ?
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Someone asked a similar question, I am sorry but I have no idea. I am the kind of person who does not enjoy talking to other people if I am in a bad mood so I would avoid it at all costs.

If you need the help, just make the call. Don't talk about ending your life or suicide, just talk about what you need to. Say what you are comfortable sharing, like you are in distress, or you don't know what to do anymore, etc.

I think as long as you don't make it known to them you are going to off yourself, they have no grounds or reason to call 911. Just talk to them, and let them know at the end of the conversation that talking to them helped you. They will be so glad to hear that.

Surely no one would sit at a suicide hotline to talk to people, and instead of actually doing that, just recording names and possibly numbers to pass off to the police?

Besides, I get the feeling the police would get bored showing up to people's houses randomly if there aren't any drugs involved for the taking.
 
yea, im skeptical of the whole deal - it's hard enough to trust people - i cant exactly call up and say "can you report me to the police if you think my life is in danger" :/ - ring ring ring - gonna have cops here in two fucking seconds. Blah.
 
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