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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide
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purple_cloud
Bluelight Crew
Actually, a bit off topic, but I went to the ER for another reason several months ago and used my insurance card, and I was told I had to pay my co-pay right there via check/credit card/etc in order to be released. I'm still searching, one place sounded promising but I left a message later yesterday and it seems they aren't answering today...now I just feel my normal anxiety/depression and the suicidal stuff isn't there anymore, it seems I'm always up or down, never actually on baseline, or my "baseline" is incredibly off. I'd like a label or some idea on what causes this, and with my own research I seem as if I have some sort of bipolar. I sort of want a diagnosis so I can do my own research and find ways to function normally in society.
After the other night, I have a lot more empathy towards anyone who posts in this thread. AcidKid, you'll get through it
there are people here like n3o and PiP that seem to find time in their busy days for people feeling really bad, just like you and me, and I noticed the idea that SOMEONE cares about me on the other side of the world I'll never meet who knows not much more than my posts on BL about me actually gives me some form of comfort. That could mean I spend too much time on the internet, I guess, but I'm still here so it can't be all bad.
zombiesarepeaceful
Bluelighter
Well....some "urgent care" places require $ upfront but they're not actual hospitals...just freestanding ers. Actual hospitals generally are required to see a person in an emergency regardless of ability to pay. I was asked at the er recently if I could make a copay on my bill (they're required to at least ask now) and I laughed at them.
purple_cloud
Bluelight Crew
It may come to that, ZAP. The only place that I got through to without some bullshit yesterday called me back, and their first question was "have you used drugs or alcohol in the last 2 months?" I said "yes, of course" and they said "well, we can't see you, unless you can pass a full tox-screen when you walk in the door." So I said, "I wanted to kill myself two days ago, substance use has NOTHING to do with this, I'm just answering you honestly so you can help me," and she said "yeah, I know sweetie, but it's just a mandatory thing we have here. We cannot offer you any psychiatric services unless you are clean from all drug and alcohol usage, even recreationally." This is seriously starting to border on ridiculous...they also said they did NOT take my insurance and there was a chance I'd have to pay a huge deductible every time I saw them anyway. Seriously, has anyone else had THIS many problems getting help?!
EDIT: Called a crisis hotline, they gave me a number, and when I called I was told the soonest I could be seen was the end of March, since out of all their providers only ONE would even consider accepting my insurance. This is absolutely fucking ridiculous now.
EDIT: Called a crisis hotline, they gave me a number, and when I called I was told the soonest I could be seen was the end of March, since out of all their providers only ONE would even consider accepting my insurance. This is absolutely fucking ridiculous now.
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^ u wanna borrow some of the Top-0-the-line medication from 40 years ago I was lucky enough to land on after 3 1/2 months of actively trying to find help on that insurance plan?
emmm out dated useless meds... they SEEMED like they were working, mentally they were helping.. but there was the stabbing chest pain side effects. Now that those have subsided and I don't have the pain anymore, the mental benefits have vanished with them. I'm starting to feel like I did before I started only with the lingering side effects to boot.
Spending a little more money might not be a bad idea if you can. Or get billed and worry about it later, whatever..
Is there any way to talk to the last prescribing doc you had for the ssri n benzos? Might be easier to get a doc if you approach from the perspective of just needing continuing care, not starting up a whole new project.
emmm out dated useless meds... they SEEMED like they were working, mentally they were helping.. but there was the stabbing chest pain side effects. Now that those have subsided and I don't have the pain anymore, the mental benefits have vanished with them. I'm starting to feel like I did before I started only with the lingering side effects to boot.
Spending a little more money might not be a bad idea if you can. Or get billed and worry about it later, whatever..
Is there any way to talk to the last prescribing doc you had for the ssri n benzos? Might be easier to get a doc if you approach from the perspective of just needing continuing care, not starting up a whole new project.
purple_cloud
Bluelight Crew
I don't wanna owe the government any more money than I already do, and since she retired I have no forwarding information on how to reach her. I called the insurance company, they said that a lot of stuff on the DocFind part of their site is outdated (go figure) and told me to start calling individual providers until I find one that could take me. Now, I have spent TWO WHOLE FUCKING BUSINESS DAYS doing this already, and if tomorrow fails, I just give up, may as well just go kill myself and leave "FUCK YOU *name of health insurance company*, this could have been prevented if you covered anything" in my note. I'm gonna try maybe 3 or 4 of these numbers tomorrow, and if nothing works, I'm sick of wasting energy I don't even have on this...it really shouldn't be so difficult to get help if you are actively seeking it and insured in the US.
zombiesarepeaceful
Bluelighter
That's fucking ridiculous.I don't even have insurance and its easier to find help here. I never admit drug use though...and I've never been somewhere that required you pass a tox screen to be accepted.
purple_cloud
Bluelight Crew
I didn't know I was admitting to drug use, she had asked if I had used any drugs or alcohol in the last two months, and clearly if I said no, after telling her I just graduated from college and was only 23 years old, was clearly going to be a suspicious lie. I didn't admit to any abuse, I just didn't want to lie to someone who was supposed to help me.
Tonight I ran out of options, so I called a local in-patient place. They would not take me unless I went to the ER for a psychiatric exam and then transferred to their facility --- my friend who had urged me to call told me I wouldn't need to go to the ER, but the other place refused to accept me if I hadn't. I refuse to go to the ER, especially with a giant storm approaching they are about to have a ton of people coming in in physical emergencies. On Sunday night, the ER would have been a good idea, I actively felt suicidal. I just doubt that if I tell them "yeah, I don't wanna kill myself righ tnow, I sorta do wanna cut myself or hurt myself a little bit, but not hurt anyone else around me" that they will still let me go on to the inpatient care facility I did really want to go to. Anything else is going to take weeks and weeks to get things going and mentally, I don't have that long. I'm guessing at this point I should just wait until I have another psychotic episode, and deal with feeling so miserable and depressed I won't eat and can't do anything but lay in bed all day until then...either that, or lie and tell them I feel currently suicidal just so they willa ccept me. I don't know what to do, I tried to explain things go in waves, but the inpatient place (theyw ere incredibly nice over the phone, by the way) absolutely required a psych evaluation at an ER in order to be admitted. I really wish I could have help, a counselor, anything, tonight, and I may call a crisis number just for someone to talk to sometime in the near future. I just wish this wasn't so hard --- other than the ER, I seemingly have zero other options, and am really disgusted by this.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
You can always talk to us P_C, there are a lot of us in similar scenarios out there.
I am very thankful I have health insurance, because surgery would have been a huge monetary drain otherwise.
I think that seeing a psychiatrist once a month, and a therapist once a week - is probably better than going to the ER because ER's are not helpful to many people. A lot of the workers and doctors are ageist IME.
I am very thankful I have health insurance, because surgery would have been a huge monetary drain otherwise.
I think that seeing a psychiatrist once a month, and a therapist once a week - is probably better than going to the ER because ER's are not helpful to many people. A lot of the workers and doctors are ageist IME.
purple_cloud
Bluelight Crew
There are a few private providers in the insurance network I'm going to try...this just means taking random guesses at doctors though, and not a team of them. I was thinking of this one place specializing in lots of things but under a religious name (the place that asked that tricky drug question was Jewish, this one is Catholic) and if not try individual providers. What should I try first after that, clinical psychologist, then psychiatrist, preferably not a social worker I'd think. I hear that a clinical psychologist can refer you to a psychiatrist for the medication part of the treatment but I'm sorta trying to do this as cheaply as possible, I basically have 50 visits I can use until august but each one has a $20 copay soo...that is gonna add up I think. Any advice CH? Or Pip? Or you others that are in the US and seem to know something about this? (Dunno if it varies in other places).
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
the ER is very valuable with MH crisis's...
they have social workers, and psychologists that could give a big heads up, and save you a lot of time and money.
id go to the ER, and not leave until i felt my needs were met, or that they tried, this means seeing a social worker, and getting your foot in the door...
see a psychologist to get into your head, and decide if meds are needed, then after weighing the risks and benefits, and continuing as much as possible with therapy, decide if you feel meds might be a good option.
they have social workers, and psychologists that could give a big heads up, and save you a lot of time and money.
id go to the ER, and not leave until i felt my needs were met, or that they tried, this means seeing a social worker, and getting your foot in the door...
see a psychologist to get into your head, and decide if meds are needed, then after weighing the risks and benefits, and continuing as much as possible with therapy, decide if you feel meds might be a good option.
P_C-
The psychology department at out school runs a community service program. Long story short, you get to talk to actual trained professionals on a sliding scale which would place low income folk like you and I at 10 dollars a visit, and off the record they go even lower than that if you explain how fucked you are. I'm sure they'd pick you up quickly. They can't do meds, but UNLIKE the people actually distributing medication on the opposite side of campus (which is free, and where I landed personally), they understand the human mind and focus on that.
While I think you could benefit from inpatient, you don't sound all that interested. I've been locked up in both places you are looking, the ER leads you to the psych ward floor, which is less coushey but a much MUCH shorter stay. That private place you called- they will only take you IF they have space, and they are always full with people with $, I got the only open slot on the kid floor when I was accepted- and I had to wait at the hospital for a week first (a week after coming out of the coma), THEN was transferred. They then proceeded to milk my insurance dry and kept me prisoner there until I ran out of coverage three months later.
It is SLIGHTLY more comfortable environment - you will still be sharing a shitty room with another person, only the super rich get private rooms- degree of fuckin-off-the-wall does not matter, you could very well find yourself in the lucky room with 'the screamer' who shrieks her self to sleep every night reliving a rape until the guards come in and jab a needle in her ass to put her lights out..(I got the room across the hall from her, lucky me, nice show to go to sleep to every night)...*ahem* but I digress.. a show like that can make you appreciate your own sanity all the more, but it will cost you and even if you ARE better, they won't let you go until your funding is dry, you will be a prisoner at the private place. You are money in their pocket. At the normal ER place, you are more a number, and they want you stable, out the door and not taking up bed space as quickly as possible.
I recommend you call the place at school. The one located in the psych department building, not the bullshit I'm dealing with in the Tetris complex. They actually care and aren't in it for the money.
....and fuck catholic charities, fuck them right in the ear.......though I admit I have misguided hate towards their operation because they were the ones who buzzed me in past bullet proof glass for supervised visitation with my mom behind a see through mirror. The last thing you need now is some bible thumper telling you that you'll go to hell if you kill yourself though
Schools closed today... hit me if you want to get out of the house... *hug* don't be crazy
The psychology department at out school runs a community service program. Long story short, you get to talk to actual trained professionals on a sliding scale which would place low income folk like you and I at 10 dollars a visit, and off the record they go even lower than that if you explain how fucked you are. I'm sure they'd pick you up quickly. They can't do meds, but UNLIKE the people actually distributing medication on the opposite side of campus (which is free, and where I landed personally), they understand the human mind and focus on that.
While I think you could benefit from inpatient, you don't sound all that interested. I've been locked up in both places you are looking, the ER leads you to the psych ward floor, which is less coushey but a much MUCH shorter stay. That private place you called- they will only take you IF they have space, and they are always full with people with $, I got the only open slot on the kid floor when I was accepted- and I had to wait at the hospital for a week first (a week after coming out of the coma), THEN was transferred. They then proceeded to milk my insurance dry and kept me prisoner there until I ran out of coverage three months later.
It is SLIGHTLY more comfortable environment - you will still be sharing a shitty room with another person, only the super rich get private rooms- degree of fuckin-off-the-wall does not matter, you could very well find yourself in the lucky room with 'the screamer' who shrieks her self to sleep every night reliving a rape until the guards come in and jab a needle in her ass to put her lights out..(I got the room across the hall from her, lucky me, nice show to go to sleep to every night)...*ahem* but I digress.. a show like that can make you appreciate your own sanity all the more, but it will cost you and even if you ARE better, they won't let you go until your funding is dry, you will be a prisoner at the private place. You are money in their pocket. At the normal ER place, you are more a number, and they want you stable, out the door and not taking up bed space as quickly as possible.
I recommend you call the place at school. The one located in the psych department building, not the bullshit I'm dealing with in the Tetris complex. They actually care and aren't in it for the money.
....and fuck catholic charities, fuck them right in the ear.......though I admit I have misguided hate towards their operation because they were the ones who buzzed me in past bullet proof glass for supervised visitation with my mom behind a see through mirror. The last thing you need now is some bible thumper telling you that you'll go to hell if you kill yourself though
Schools closed today... hit me if you want to get out of the house... *hug* don't be crazy
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I'm sorry, what?
PS, for the record, I'll be disappearing from this board soon because of this thread. It's been brought to my attention that the user '~', ie, my psychotic cheating fucking slut ex, abused the 'search' function 12/15. The night before I told her off because she was creeping around my apartment complex. I was SUPPOSED to get a restraining order against her months back but didn't want to make her spend the night in jail that comes with that. THOUGHT I was being nice and she could MAYBE meet me half way by just staying the fuck out of my life and backyard, but nooo... so after being embarrassed in front of the neighbors and making an ass out of herself trying to get her new fuck buddy to fight me unsuccessfully, she came home and logged on to bluelight for the first time in six fucking months- two hours later I have police beating my door down and in my fucking bedroom harassing me, abusing my pet and destroying my property because they were pissed they were at my house because of her AGAIN over BULLSHIT! That fucking cunt came here and tried to have me arrested because of my posts in this thread. This place is useless to me now, I can't speak my mind for fear of being incarcerated because I was dumb enough to spare some stupid slut a restraining order and a night in jail. Lesson learned for trying to be nice...
been nice knowing you all, the support has been invaluable, but DragynFyr is being forced into early retirement. At least new name time it would seem.
apologies due to purple_cloud.. I'd just kind of assumed it was her who made the call in december, and just let it go thinking it was her making a misguided attempt to help. I didn't know it was a nasty slut I stopped talking to back in JUNE after she confessed to cheating on me months before by spite-fucking one of my only 'good' friends. (It was one of those 'what? you don't want to be with me anymore? Oh yeah, well guess what I did!' moments.) Had no CLUE she would stoop so low. You would THINK given the number of naked pictures she posted on this site she would show a little discretion when it comes to using information found here to hurt a person. But apparently not. Over 10 GIGZ of hard core blood smeared drug crusted porn sitting like a round in the chamber, but she still abuses the site... brilliant
yeah... anyway... nice knowing you, I'll be back, luckily she's dumb as a stump so I'm not worried about her figuring out who I am. I'm sure all you lucky folk with half a brain in your heads won't have a problem figuring it out =p
PS, for the record, I'll be disappearing from this board soon because of this thread. It's been brought to my attention that the user '~', ie, my psychotic cheating fucking slut ex, abused the 'search' function 12/15. The night before I told her off because she was creeping around my apartment complex. I was SUPPOSED to get a restraining order against her months back but didn't want to make her spend the night in jail that comes with that. THOUGHT I was being nice and she could MAYBE meet me half way by just staying the fuck out of my life and backyard, but nooo... so after being embarrassed in front of the neighbors and making an ass out of herself trying to get her new fuck buddy to fight me unsuccessfully, she came home and logged on to bluelight for the first time in six fucking months- two hours later I have police beating my door down and in my fucking bedroom harassing me, abusing my pet and destroying my property because they were pissed they were at my house because of her AGAIN over BULLSHIT! That fucking cunt came here and tried to have me arrested because of my posts in this thread. This place is useless to me now, I can't speak my mind for fear of being incarcerated because I was dumb enough to spare some stupid slut a restraining order and a night in jail. Lesson learned for trying to be nice...
been nice knowing you all, the support has been invaluable, but DragynFyr is being forced into early retirement. At least new name time it would seem.
apologies due to purple_cloud.. I'd just kind of assumed it was her who made the call in december, and just let it go thinking it was her making a misguided attempt to help. I didn't know it was a nasty slut I stopped talking to back in JUNE after she confessed to cheating on me months before by spite-fucking one of my only 'good' friends. (It was one of those 'what? you don't want to be with me anymore? Oh yeah, well guess what I did!' moments.) Had no CLUE she would stoop so low. You would THINK given the number of naked pictures she posted on this site she would show a little discretion when it comes to using information found here to hurt a person. But apparently not. Over 10 GIGZ of hard core blood smeared drug crusted porn sitting like a round in the chamber, but she still abuses the site... brilliant
yeah... anyway... nice knowing you, I'll be back, luckily she's dumb as a stump so I'm not worried about her figuring out who I am. I'm sure all you lucky folk with half a brain in your heads won't have a problem figuring it out =p
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zombiesarepeaceful
Bluelighter
Its not entirely unrealistic to say you don't do drugs....if they ask I say well duh I drink...cuz I do but I'm not an alcoholic. If they tested me i'd be clean of all but things that are prescribed to me. But ymmv.
purple_cloud
Bluelight Crew
My roommate called crisis services today because I was literally hysterical that no one would let me go see them. One place couldn't see me because I had insurance they couldn't take, so I was actually willing to cancel my health insurance just so I could be seen by them. It was also really snowy today so the ER wasn't really an option, I'm sure they were busy. Some counselors came to my apartment and talked to me for a while, and they said I don't need to make any more phonecalls --- within 5 business days or less, they will have an appointment for me, and after two or three therapy appointments I'll meet with a psychiatrist at the same agency to discuss any medication options. I'm relieved that someone finally helped me, but I still feel pretty miserable. They have a 24/7 number I can call if I need to talk at any point which is good to know exists at least. Just figured I'd update you guys.
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
good good great!
do feel any relief at all? some piece of mind maybe?
fuck, ive been there, and jesus being in such a whirl wind state of mind, asking for help as you should, and getting shit around is just, maddening insult to injury...
but you're doing it, doing what you sincerely need.
go a head and exhale some now
you most definitely deserve it.!.
i myself have been searching for an advocate to help me stop playing games with such detrimental shit myself.
and there isn't in my state, some, but not all... its very motivating, inspiring, another light to keep lit my brother. this would be a good time to start some automatic writing, spill it, feed the paper your frustrations, and watch some of it make some sort of sense.
MUCH MUCH LOVE MAN
i drop some tears for you...
do feel any relief at all? some piece of mind maybe?
fuck, ive been there, and jesus being in such a whirl wind state of mind, asking for help as you should, and getting shit around is just, maddening insult to injury...
but you're doing it, doing what you sincerely need.
go a head and exhale some now
you most definitely deserve it.!.
i myself have been searching for an advocate to help me stop playing games with such detrimental shit myself.
and there isn't in my state, some, but not all... its very motivating, inspiring, another light to keep lit my brother. this would be a good time to start some automatic writing, spill it, feed the paper your frustrations, and watch some of it make some sort of sense.
MUCH MUCH LOVE MAN
i drop some tears for you...
swmo
Bluelighter
death is just so damn final. there's absolutely no further discussion of plans. plans like from going to the convenience store for a pack of smokes or a coffee/soda, to plans that could've lasted a lifetime.
the answer to your plans lays empty now. there's no discussing it. there was no foolish mistake between us to blame it on or make up for it.
i know you didn't OD on purpose. But, honestly, you obviously thought you were more than you were on this last run. You had a false sense of invincibility about you &, remember, we weren't even going to push the envelope any more. and you told me i'd be able to regulate you, balance you. but i couldn't from so far away. I'd even go so far as to say that you'd still be alive if i was there that night. I'd have said whoa and it woulda been cool, you wouldn't have got bitchy with me. You just knew I was looking out for your best interest. How many times did we discuss me as your balance and that you'd listen? Damn! And now, at 47, I find it hard to find someone that gets me and i get them too. LIKE WE DID in such an amazing short time. i've had my share of hardships, as everyone has, but you fucking dying was not supposed to be the biggest slap in my face ever!
i'm accepting, but i damn sure don't have to like it!
the answer to your plans lays empty now. there's no discussing it. there was no foolish mistake between us to blame it on or make up for it.
i know you didn't OD on purpose. But, honestly, you obviously thought you were more than you were on this last run. You had a false sense of invincibility about you &, remember, we weren't even going to push the envelope any more. and you told me i'd be able to regulate you, balance you. but i couldn't from so far away. I'd even go so far as to say that you'd still be alive if i was there that night. I'd have said whoa and it woulda been cool, you wouldn't have got bitchy with me. You just knew I was looking out for your best interest. How many times did we discuss me as your balance and that you'd listen? Damn! And now, at 47, I find it hard to find someone that gets me and i get them too. LIKE WE DID in such an amazing short time. i've had my share of hardships, as everyone has, but you fucking dying was not supposed to be the biggest slap in my face ever!
i'm accepting, but i damn sure don't have to like it!
This is excellent news hun, I am so relieved for you
It's just so infuriating that it took this long to find some help!
But you're on the right track now
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