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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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Commiseration is good for a while, but it doesn't have to go on forever. Like it or not, the only way to change is get up off your ass and take action. If there is some part of your life, or even your entire life, that you are unsatisfied with, it is your responsibility to at least try to change it.

Ten years ago, I was a daily IV cocaine and heroin addict.... I eventually decided that I could no longer live that way, and had a decision to make: get clean or take the "coward's way out." I got clean.

I was clean for three years, and then my dog died. I was back on the needle within a week. After a few more years of raging, I decided I had to fix things again. The past couple of years have been really life-changing. Within the past 2 years or so, I've had the opportunity to do the last 4 drugs I had never been able to find before: DMT, Ketamine, Opium and Mescaline. DMT gave me some experiences that radically changed my personal philosophies and worldviews... much for the better. I spent a year and a half in psychotherapy, and discovered the healing powers of acupuncture, traditional chinese medicine, meditaton, etc. I've been exercising all summer, and am in the best physical shape I've been in in over 20 years.

But I think I'm done with drugs. I've gotten everything I can out of them.... and it was a lot. A lot of fun, and a hell of an education in itself.
In two months, I'm leaving to go live and teach English in Thailand, something I've been talking about for 8 years. For the first time in my life, I can answer the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I have 2 B.A.'s and 5 years teaching experience, volunteering at a private university. Everyone tells me I will be extremely marketable in Asia, and to be choosy about job offers.

I'm about 90% excited as hell and 10% terrified. But each day, I'm a little less frightened. I know that teaching is what I was meant to do, and that I'm actually good at it, and find it very satisfying.

Don't give up on yourselves, folks. If I can change, anyone can. I look at it like this: I spent my youth being wild and young. I have traveled all over the world, loved and been loved by many beautiful and amazing women, amassed a circle of great and loyal friends. I have known physical and emotional highs and lows that most people cannot even imagine. Hell, I even got to go to college like the smart people do. ;)

Now, I'm 39. I'm ready to leave my decadent past behind and get serious about life. I have lots of close friends who didn't survive their youths. I had to crawl through a river of shit to become the person I am today, and I'm pretty fucking proud of who I am, if I do say so myself. :)

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. The present moment is what really matters; make it count!

I also discovered the key to happiness, and it's really quite simple: Learn to make distinctions between the things in this world you have control over and the things you don't. The things you CAN control, throw your entire heart and soul into doing the best you can. That's all you or anyone else can ask of you. The things you can't control, well.... you can't control them, but you can control your reaction to them. Learn healthy ways to manage stress.

Don't let your emotions control you.

"Wasted years" are only wasted if you don't learn from them. Everyone makes mistakes; try not to make them more times than is necessary. Learn from your own mistakes, and from those of others.

I have a favorite quote, by Ralph Waldo Emerson: "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

Develop your own philosophy of living, and put it into action. Life is short enough.

Don't give up. Ever.

<3
 
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I dont see suicide as a weakness BUT a strength and "admire" people who say they have had enough and take that great scary leap into the unknown. Personally i know its just a matter of time for me just when and where (i know how) and have spent the last few months gradually cutting my ties with this place.
For many its not a question of the soul , but the brain, which in my case i believe has been damaged , despite the fact that this wouldnt show up on a scan or possibly be apparent to anyone who speaks with me. I dont see human life as sacred anymore and most people are only interested in money,being violent and judging or slagging off other "weaker" people. If your lifes 24 hour pain physically or mentally for years , why bother fighting for it?
 
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^None of us will.

Yep. We are all going to die, and chances are it will not be pleasant. Just make sure that if you are going to, that it is well thought out and not just because you are not currently well emotionally. That can be overcome. Situations change with time. Consider your desires in life and your options. Weigh what you stand to gain from suicide and what you will miss.

I think about suicide fairly often, and these are some of my thoughts. I believe in right-to-die, and the idea of not literally being in control of my life is unacceptable. It is empowering to not be afraid of death.

Think about the timing. Now may not be right.
 
jackie jones said:
and not just because you are not currently well emotionally. That can be overcome. Situations change with time. Consider your desires in life and your options. Weigh what you stand to gain from suicide and what you will miss.
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This is good advice, thank you jj <3
 
wer1 said:
anyone else wish they wouldnt wake up everytime they go to sleep?
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I don't even want to sleep, not that I can anyways.

Since I didn't manage to get myself killed downrange, and haven't yet since then.... ah well. when it comes, it comes. maybe I'll do it my own way, maybe not. but if I do, its gonna be cinematically fuckin epic.... a 20th century Viking send-off. Nobody will remember me for what I did before, but they sure as shit will after. or at least those lucky enough to be there.
not that it'll matter to me after, but cause of my own sick sense of humor I gotta do something special anyways.
 
I am planning on injecting a fentanyl patch or a high dose of hydromorphone and overdosing in a hotel room so my parents do not find me.

I am tired of being sad and lonely. Tired of opiates being the only happiness I can find. I always thought I was good looking and kind of bright. It does no good. All I get is rejection. I cannot live without love anymore. It hurts too much.
 
jj, please don't even consider it as an option. Opiates are not your happiness, they clouding your judgement and making you more depressed. Please reach out to your parents, tell them what you're thinking of doing and how you're feeling. They will help you. Suicide is not the way for you, please get it out of your head. Use your energy and thoughts to focus on other more constructive ways of solving your problems.
Please <3
 
jj, I really hope you do not harm yourself. There is plenty of time to find love and minimize or give up opiates. There isn't a deadline on life getting better. The energy you are putting into suicide plans could be put into making plans for getting things better.
 
I have not experienced mutual love with a girl in ten years. I try, and the more I do, the more hopeless it seems. I suppose love is not for everyone. I was rejected by uni last month. So what is left?

So, here I sit, day after day. Dabbling with drugs in seclusion. I am pathetic. My heart is broken, and I do not have the strength to try anymore. I cannot withstand another winter like the last one. I am going to take a trip to the city, make some nice cheerful calls to family, then end my life. I am looking forward to it.

I think you are all wonderful, and thank you all for being my friends. I never had friends before I found Bluelight.

Much love,
Jack
 
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Why don't you wait and see how you feel after you've visited your family before you make any decisions. Sometimes when I'm feeling suicidal all it takes is some good old human interaction for me to snap out of it and realise that life IS worth living. jj you are a strong and courageous person, don't let depression beat you. Regardless of what you think right now, you DO have the strength to overcome this. I've seen you do it multiple times before. Please don't make any solid decisions yet. Talk to your family, tell them what's going on, ask for their help, reach out man <3
 
How do you know they don't understand if you don't tell them? If you're not comfortable talking to them about please talk to someone, a counsellor or suicide hotline etc. You can't make such a drastic decision without exhausting all other options first jj.
 
Thank you, all <3

I need love. I try, and the constant rejection is too much to bear. It is a cycle. I try for some time, then resort to dope to heal my emotional wounds. I just feel like something bad is about to happen.

On the positive side, no more lonliness, withdrawals, jails....

It is not bad. Could be an adventure. I do not know.
 
jackie jones said:
Could be an adventure. I do not know.
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No jj, it's just going to be the end. That's it. No more chances to make a change or to get things right. Just the end. You've got so much opportunity to find happiness, but you have to actually be here to experience it.

As C.H said, there are hundreds of people right here on BL who would be fucking devestated if you left us. I ain't letting you go without a fight man <3
 
I did read the 5 minutes. Why i write is my physical side. If some type of physical damage to my sensors or nerves start and go bad, i'm unsure. I've been on pain for long, never doctors have find reason or opiate painkillers.

Not in pain anymore now this point, and have found many things that matters and conclusions what/how take, eat, drink and so-on.

And happen to know those loan suicide things and few other things. I say nothing humorous from cartoons and so-on but i have checked the idea. Isn't it the person knows when going permanent that way that death going to happen(or in clear words, nothing but hurting frustrating pain left to suffer), after long hard time of physical pain, or euthanasia(that imo to terminal cases? Doctors should give the medicines to who needs). Without serious reason been thinking possible methods for years never really tried committing. And i guess nobody encourages to start planning any stupid things, shootings and so-on. The persons intend is mature if wants to go away on own self easily. Serious fear is going to go blind or paralysed without loosing pain feeling, from attempt. It's idea that comes clear some point, it's suicide before too weak to be, have to be under others for long, HIV/AIDS, hepatitis are somewhat easy escapes. Non spreading cancer with the approx 30% being very painful or frustrating irritating pain is one worst.

Just one IMO, It should be councelled if suicide is in fashion or as well as because teenage frustration(life feels too complicated etc, in non-cases permanent physical pain, then go ahead when going, same IMO, think how to do it. Doctor giving script or some other way.)

So, who the fuck cares a shit if (not growing/growed to human being and raised, NOT for fashion suicide) nothing good is coming anymore, plain pain, go ahead then if can. I'd say most pain patients wish least thing to get locked up with stupid ignorants. Healthcare is nothing else than day-job. Beware permanently locked neurologic section, drug jail sentence and so-on. Even more confused about cellular life are 3-phase workers, having themself half-grown mentals or permanent psychiatric diagnose lacking. They just put up from their mind first soo correct statement, weak morals and capasity to figure any, but when find something matching it haas to bee so, get it? I surely hope this is anonymoys and so-on because many reasons obvious to those who feel something and seen the -in the mood- people being Real Pros for occupation pride.
 
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jackie jones said:
Thank you, all <3

I need love. I try, and the constant rejection is too much to bear. It is a cycle. I try for some time, then resort to dope to heal my emotional wounds. I just feel like something bad is about to happen.

On the positive side, no more lonliness, withdrawals, jails....

It is not bad. Could be an adventure. I do not know.
Click to expand...

It's better to receive rejection than to be in a relationship that turns sour. In fact, being rejected by 100 women is not as bad as 1 real bad relationship. I have seen too many bad relationships to know this is true.

You will find your true love one day JJ and she will be amazed she didn't get to find you earlier! Don't give up hope.
 
jackie jones said:
Thank you, all <3

I need love. I try, and the constant rejection is too much to bear. It is a cycle. I try for some time, then resort to dope to heal my emotional wounds. I just feel like something bad is about to happen.

On the positive side, no more lonliness, withdrawals, jails....

It is not bad. Could be an adventure. I do not know.
Click to expand...



man im exactly the same , i was single by choice from 19 until now , im 25 now btw

i give all i can give and all i get is a pocket full of piss

i said to myself after my last serious relationship the next chick im with is gonna be wifey

anyway , stayed away from women until roughly end of last year until i met sum1 who was just
umm
to put it short , the most amazing person on the planet
but that was bound to end badly from the start wich i knew , but it was fun while it lasted, for me anyway

been in roughly 5 or 6 relationships since then,

the next 2 others had bipolar ,the first havin a very destructive personality, o.d'd on me twice , also threatened to kill me wich iv mentioned in another post n cbf goin into again

i literally saved her life the first time, she ate a whole pack of zyprexa n passed out n started havn convulsions,

gave her cpr ( had to quickly look it up on the net what to do ) n called ambos , they said if id waited any longer she would of died , the 2nd time was on ghb and i.v smack ,
she took the g orally of course , she stopped breathing so yet again , same deal .
then i fucked that one off quick smart ,

i shld of known she was bad news the minute her mother stuck a needle full of h in my arm 10 seconds within me meeting them both and entering the house,

150mg no effect , so she gave me another 150mg for the price of a pack of smokes lol that one hit the spot ,

fucked her off coz i thought she was goin to jail for stabbing a girl in richmond 5 times while on mephadrone and xanax
, turns out she wasnt in jail wich was good, she contacted me this morning via sms then called me , and stupid me actually considered goin bak with her , but i came to my senses prety quickly

havent touched a needle since , exept the handful of shots i had to get b4 i got on the methadone program , stil got 1 to go ( neva got my hep b shots in high school) the other shots were just testing for stds wich came up with nothing, wich i clda guessed coz i dont root animals, tho i did dodge herpes once apon a time , and another wich tested for sum other shit

i specifically asked about my liver coz id been cwe'ing codeine for 18 months daily b4 hand , dont do it anymore , waste of time for a shitty high , livers fine thank god

the 2nd bipolar bitch was just plain scary , perfect angel one minute , satan the next
i was with her out of pity ( stupid me ) coz she had fuckall friends n was a nerd , attractive nerd though , that one lasted maybe 3 weeks or so

the rest were just just run of the mill bad matches , tho i treated em all like gold , every paycheck wld be spent on them , exept buyn my bare essentials

alot of people tell me my kindness will be the death of me n i think theyr spot on

my lifes fine prety much fine, steady job , too many friends to deal with , drive a rare (in this condition ) fully restored ballsy as fuck car wich i love to bits ,

but the one thing missing is a loving honest girlfriend , wich has always been my main need in life , love and companionship

but no matter how much time , effort , cash , etc i put into it nothing ever lasts

thats my reason for not wanting to live , cant stand the lonelyness and knowing that nobody really truthfully loves or cares for me , (besides family of course)

the last few nights iv been drivin down to the train lines n takin 4-5 hr walks down the line and back contemplating "catching" the next express to flinders

knowing my luck id prob survive the impact n end up even more fucked n in a wheelchair or sum bullshit

last night prob wlda been my last on this earth but fucking stupid me forgot trains dont run all night , but i checked the timetables so now i know

i hate cuts so stabbin or slittin my wrists is outa the question

my H contact got stabbed to death recently in front of me ( fucked with my head badly that one ) over a deal gone wrong , otherwise id just wak a gram or 2 n nod off into a sweet dreamy death

ghb is an option , got 90ml in the fridge

i have access to guns but the dude wont help me out ( no matter how generous the collateral , cars , my new massive lcd tv etc )
because he knows what im gonna do because somehow hes been able to tell im not my normal self n im not the type to need one really , n he knows iv been goin thru alot of shit this year besides the chick bs

i have one very close female friend who talks me thru things but i think im
slowly falling for her , wich im scared is goin to become another major problem

then im gona have no one to vent my crap to coz i cldnt see myself being friends with this one if i do fall for her , im prety sure she knows i gota thing for her , shes got kids etc prety psychotic herself , would kick the fuck outa most nutters i know put it that way

i dont even know where this post is heading now

pretty much im just a sucker for chicks , i fall too easy and i wayyyy too hard
n its gotten to the point no meds calm me and i feel im hangin by a thread
 
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