I feel like I am in a world of shit...
I have been on Buprenorphine (Subutex) for about 7-8 years now, and I feel like I am a slave to my own body. My gf at the time thought it would be fun to snort our medicine, and being the lovesick idiot that I was, I started to abuse my medicine. Here I am 7 years later, and I still snort my pills. (I feel like Chris Rock from New-Jack City, crying but still smoking that hit off his crackpipe)
I wake up, snort 1/2 mg, and continue to snort 1/2mg about 6 times throughout the day. I take my meds based on "how I feel," not on a standard consistent daily regimen as prescribed. As a result, a few hours after I snort each dose, my thoughts start to race, my emotions tend to flair up, and my anxiety increases. Essentially I need my "fix."
I am a doctor, and I just started a new job where I treat patients from 8AM-5PM. It is very demanding, and I need to be focused, and for the most part this is not a problem, except for when I need to sneak away form the other residents during lunch and snort my bup, and perhaps once later on in the afternoon.
I can not live like this anymore, yet it is so engrained in the way that I live. It's the "pre-WD paranoia" that keeps me from making any sort of meaningful progress.
Essentially I need to:
1) go from snorting --> sublingual
2) Stabilize myself at a consistent daily dose
3) take all my medicine at once when I wake up in the AM
4) When I feel comfortable, begin to slowly taper down
5) schedule a vacation, or whatever, so I can go to 0mg
It seems so easy, yet I always get tripped up at step 1. Sublingual seems to be stronger, and if I take the same dose, I end up raising my tolerance. I tried to do this over my summer vacation, and the net result was a 2mg increase (I went from about 4mg-6mg).
I CAN NOT live like this anymore! I just can't! The constant mood swings, emotional outbursts, going from nodding --> crying. I am a doctor for god sakes, I need to be more solid. Not to mention I am single, and need to focus on my dating/personal life, and the more I take the lower my libido gets.
I feel like I can't talk to my psychiatrist about this, because I don't want him to know that I am abusing my medication. I can't talk to my family, I have no wife or gf. NA doesn't work for me...I am truly alone in my struggle.
I feel like I am in a world of shit. I want out of this nightmare!
It's not that hard to kick bup from any dose < 2mg IME.
I also feel sick in the mornings when I first get down to low doses (<2mg), but I just suck it up. It's not so bad, and you stabilize here in a week or two tops.
It's very important to keep your dosing consistent. Beyond words important. That's the whole point of maintainnance.
You know all this stuff if you're a physician. You can do it, just be strong.
My favorite way to combat the feeling of "constant minor withdrawal" in a taper is by scheduling vigorous exercise for the times of day when it's worst. In the morning and evening I go for bike rides/do yoga/stretch out/go on a run. It makes me feel a million times better, especially if you take a bath afterwards to clean up.
I always get tripped up at step 1. Sublingual seems to be stronger, and if I take the same dose, I end up raising my tolerance. I tried to do this over my summer vacation, and the net result was a 2mg increase (I went from about 4mg-6mg).
That's a pretty lame excuse, and it doesn't make sense. If it's stronger under the tongue for you, why would you raise your dose? When you say net result, do you mean "When I gave up taking the medicine responsibly" resulted in a 2mg increase? If you get more effect from putting in under your tongue, then adjust your dose accordingly!
Really now. Tough up, get out, and stop making excuses. If you intend to get off of the drug you can do it. Sounds like you're still stuck in the "deciding to stop" phase (8 years on bup!)
There's nothing wrong with staying on the meds, especially if you're living a responsible and satisfying life. However, if you do honestly want to get off, just do it. You're making it seem way harder than it is.
You stop putting it up your nose but not putting it up your nose anymore.
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