Bupenorphine daily - I feel like I am constantly going through withdrawals
I feel like I am in a world of shit...
I have been on Buprenorphine (Subutex) for about 7-8 years now, and I feel like I am a slave to my own body. My gf at the time thought it would be fun to snort our medicine, and being the lovesick idiot that I was, I started to abuse my medicine. Here I am 7 years later, and I still snort my pills. (I feel like Chris Rock from New-Jack City, crying but still smoking that hit off his crackpipe)
I wake up, snort 1/2 mg, and continue to snort 1/2mg about 6 times throughout the day. I take my meds based on "how I feel," not on a standard consistent daily regimen as prescribed. As a result, a few hours after I snort each dose, my thoughts start to race, my emotions tend to flair up, and my anxiety increases. Essentially I need my "fix."
I am a doctor, and I just started a new job where I treat patients from 8AM-5PM. It is very demanding, and I need to be focused, and for the most part this is not a problem, except for when I need to sneak away form the other residents during lunch and snort my bup, and perhaps once later on in the afternoon.
I can not live like this anymore, yet it is so engrained in the way that I live. It's the "pre-WD paranoia" that keeps me from making any sort of meaningful progress.
Essentially I need to:
1) go from snorting --> sublingual
2) Stabilize myself at a consistent daily dose
3) take all my medicine at once when I wake up in the AM
4) When I feel comfortable, begin to slowly taper down
5) schedule a vacation, or whatever, so I can go to 0mg
It seems so easy, yet I always get tripped up at step 1. Sublingual seems to be stronger, and if I take the same dose, I end up raising my tolerance. I tried to do this over my summer vacation, and the net result was a 2mg increase (I went from about 4mg-6mg).
I CAN NOT live like this anymore! I just can't! The constant mood swings, emotional outbursts, going from nodding --> crying. I am a doctor for god sakes, I need to be more solid. Not to mention I am single, and need to focus on my dating/personal life, and the more I take the lower my libido gets.
I feel like I can't talk to my psychiatrist about this, because I don't want him to know that I am abusing my medication. I can't talk to my family, I have no wife or gf. NA doesn't work for me...I am truly alone in my struggle.
I feel like I am in a world of shit. I want out of this nightmare!