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I'm so far behind on my christmas preparations. This is the year I decided not to just say "fuck christmas" and actually do for my family, and so far I have thrown my back out...and now I am having a hep c flareup which causes my joints to swell up and become inflamed.

I guess this is a test....how far am I willing to go to keep my word and be an active part of my family. Pain I can handle...and doing these things for my family is helping the emotional pain I feel this time of year. Yeah life is hard, and sometimes the ghosts of your life wander back around for a while, but in the end how you handle it will decide how much strength and hope you have in your heart...and believe me this year I am stronger than a great white shark with an AK47
 
Yup. Hell bro, i go one second at a time if i have to. My day started off shitty but has turned around. Im ready to face tomorrow and Friday. Im going to a best buds house with my surrogate family for couple hrs xmas day but other than yhat will be by myself. I set it up like that cause i want time to reflect and grieve and cry when i want to. Ill be posting a lot during next couple of days. Since i cant make the meeting i want yall will be my recovery. I find a lot of comfort on here, i really do. Captain and chef and toothpastedog all really inspire me to keep moving forward. I believe now my God led me here. In the physical world i signed up for this site for a totally different thing but in spiritual world i was being led to guys and girls on this and other great threads. Im so grateful for yall and for this site. My option before this was to read ir call others in recovery but even after 10 years i still feel akward doing that. I have 3 people i can call for meetings and one wants to go tomorrow night but im thinking about it. To tell you the truth my recovery was getting quite stale till i got on here. Now i can read about others who are either struggling or having success. Its all good. I make it thru xmas then im free till mothers day but i think xmas is hardest cause she had so much joy that day. Even after us kids were grown and all living around the country we would come home for xmas and she would put out gifts like Santa. She just enjoyed it so much. Even last year when she was sick she was right in the middle of things. She loved those terrible lifetime xmas movies, lol. She did get to watch a weeks worth of those before she passed. Im 40.5 yrs old and i miss my mommy! But i can pay homage to her by bringing smiles to others and be sober. I had a slight craving for alcohol last night. Im selling my 89 Honda Prelude and just had title last week while cleaning and swore i put it in a certain folder and i went ti get it last night cause this dude wants to buy it and it wasnt there. I looked everywhere and no dice. I must have threw it away. I was irrate and mad at myself and having a fit and fir like 10 sec i thought about it but then it was gone. No biggie. Still doing the car cause hes gonna strip it for parts. Thank God cause its like an arduous process to get duplicate title in my state. Thats why i cant buy my moms car cause were waiting on title cause original could not be found. Anyway, im happy to be sober today and im grateful to you all for helping this alcoholic every day i log in. Thank you and God bless
 
Didnt mean to make you cry. Pot makes me cry. My xmas is starting off completley different than i thought. Ill PM you man.
 
I finally ate an edible (praise the Lord!!!)

My mood is 100% solid now. I can't believe what difference there is man. I haven't gone this long without it in so long I'm an emotional wreck without it.

I don't care if it's (cannabis; wax, shatter, weed, etc.) an addiction for me. I need it. I'm going back on it in due time.

I have SO much more respect for the people who quit pot now, especially those who really like it.
 
Day 9 clean off the opiates!!!! Yay!!! Day 8 and 9 have been easy - I am starting to see big improvements. Hope everybody else on this thread is going strong and Merry Xmas!! :)
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I finally ate an edible (praise the Lord!!!)

My mood is 100% solid now. I can't believe what difference there is man. I haven't gone this long without it in so long I'm an emotional wreck without it.

I don't care if it's (cannabis; wax, shatter, weed, etc.) an addiction for me. I need it. I'm going back on it in due time.

I have SO much more respect for the people who quit pot now, especially those who really like it.
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I look at cannabis as medicine. Maybe you need it to stabilize your moods....Some people consider benzodiazepines a drug, but I truly need them in order to achieve some sort of functionality in my life. It may be the same for you with cannabis?
 
manboychef said:
I look at cannabis as medicine. Maybe you need it to stabilize your moods....Some people consider benzodiazepines a drug, but I truly need them in order to achieve some sort of functionality in my life. It may be the same for you with cannabis?
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It is medicine to me.

I just wanted to try going a week without dabbing.

Now I just want to cry all the time.

I'll be going back on it.
 
I wouldn't do that to my lungs. I hate the smoke, I hate the tars and plant material. If people offer me pot I normally turn it down because it's just not the same, it doesn't even touch me (though it's weird edibles do?)

And there's probably some sick part of me that loves the intense effects and taste of the leftover butane. I won't lie that "probably" is a "definitely" :|
 
Talked to my son....it was nice, a little odd and at the end he asked his mother "did I say enough to him yet?" which kinda threw me off guard for a second. It left me feeling like just something that needs to be appeased....however sweetzoe came back and reassured me....made me look at it differently, so today I am happy.
 
Awesome chef. My daughter does same thing but i talked to her yesterday morning and it was great. Yesterday was brutal! I couldnt snap out of sadness. But xmas is over thank God and im off to see Star Wars. My beats headphones broke and ive only had them 2 days. Uuugh. Ive always said i cant have shit and its true. Guess i just count my blessings. Late Merry xmas to everyone.
 
I know that feeling. Electronics these days are designed to be either used up or broken in order for you to consume more, also planned obsoletion. The only thing that has increased in durability and kept a standard of excellence in manufacturing is tools made in the states and europe.
 
Im with you man. I feel like a cloud is following me. Went to movies today with guys who are like brothers and we only do it once a year on this date and i couldnt even smile man. Hated the movie, gt home and im just really sad. You used a good word. Theres a way out man but i dont know what it is. Wish i could remember. Ive already made a decision about the future. I havent felt joy but a few tmed in 20+ years. I think im cursed. I really do. I dont understand why God or whoever let me feel joy. When i hug my daughter at the airpirt, that joy and that will happen in June. Im tired of it. I feel likevshit and guilty on drugs and alcohol and i feel like shit without it. At this point im stumpped. I got a couple ofvideas for help with this causevits horrible. I have bipoar depression. Real nasty shit. But my meds are working and its not that its just...sad. Im going to onevidea this week but with no car who knows when i can go. Second idea began today. Well see. Anyway, try to remain positive CH. Do what you gotta do to feel better bro. Dont spend every sec on day fighting yourself. Just wanted to let you know im with you!
 
Captain.Heroin said:
That's amazing man!!!! :D

It's stories like this that give me hope.
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Thank you bro, I never believed I would feel this way again. Every time I kicked I would have strong cravings by day 7-10. I really really really had given up hope that the cravings would ever go away and this time around it has been easy. I am so grateful. The sober living subforum has been of immense help. Everybody out there, you can do it no matter what your mind tells you. The mind is mad, don't listen to it!!!!
 
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