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Sober and sad..

I really hope I replied to everyone. My phone was (is) being a little twat so things got kind of difficult. Only I could make responding to a forum difficult.. LOL.

Today is day TWENTY FIVE. I know it isn't alot, but I've never made it more than 24 hours so.. day twenty five, bitches. Counting the days helps me -- I feel like I've accomplished something when I can say I've been sober for one more day. Maybe that's stupid but whatever.

My doctor changed my medications. I told him I felt like I was working towards another addiction with the anxiety medication and he agreed. He put me on something "non addictive" for anxiety and switched me to a different depression medication. He told me we're going to "kick this in it's ass" and I believe him.

Every single day I feel a little better. I got dressed today. I got dressed and I did my hair and I did my makeup.. and I felt GREAT. But, here it is almost 9PM and I feel myself sinking. I'm about to be alone for the night (husband working, CJ sleeping) and no matter how much I try, I can't shake this feeling of doom. I don't know HOW to make myself feel better when I sink this low. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm frustrated..
 
I know it's a struggle to muster up any kind of motivation, but the best things for you at the moment is some light excercise to begin releasing dopamine (the happy chemical) get outside in the fresh air, drink plenty of water, 3 meals a day including protein, fibre and carbohydrates, sleep 8 hours a night. Set your alarm and start creating a routine of waking and sleeping, try waking with the curtains open if you have a window in your bedroom, this will help your body and mind charge up with what was intended through evolution, you wouldn't charge a Samsung phone with an apple charger. Treat your body with love and care and your mind will soon catch up. Try this; each time an unhelpful thought flutters through your mind, thank it "thank you mind" by doing this each and everytime an unhelpful thought pops up you are creating self awareness, you are accepting the essentially 'running commentary' playing in your mind. Remember thoughts can't hurt you, it's our reaction to the thought that hinders us. Remember to be kind and calm when thanking the thought, each and everytime. The struggle you face today becomes life listens, this is where the emotional, spiritual and personal growth occurs. When in active addiction our emotional growth is stunted, each step you take now is inching you closer to a better tomorrow, after the storm there's a rainbow, you may not be able to see it now but have hope, faith and belief that after the storm the sun will rise again. Learn here, become selfaware, begin to understand how, when and what triggers these using thoughts and remember to be gental and kind to yourself. In regards to your sisters comment, which I can relate and it hurts deep, just understand that it's her lack of understanding, try not to take on other peoples negativity it can weigh us down, especially when so vounerable and raw. Remember, you're history clearly dictates that using will defiantly not help, especially considering it's the exact thing that put you here in the first place. I'm no professional, but in my opinion anti-depressants and other mental health medication are depleted when having abused drugs in such intensity over such a long period of time. Your serontone levels are completely out of wack, dopamine isn't fuctioning to its true capacity and medication (I believe) just interfers with the natural rebuild of the minds recovery system.
 
You will be alright. PAWS is a bitch but it is surmountable. What symptoms are you experiencing so that us folks in SL can give you tips on how to combat each individual symptom?
 
missjay, you're doing awesome, and you've totally got this.

i can't say a lot more than that, b/c i've been trying to quit for about a year now and have repeatedly crumbled under the depression you've described. i guess there is one thing that 12 months of this makes me want to say... IF at some point you do stumble and use, try not to rake yourself over the coals about it. just pick up where you left off and dive back into your recovery. always dive right back in. it's very hard not to feel like a failure, a loser, etc. after a setback. but those feelings are just useless weight, extra pain to drag around. i wish that i had been a little less punitive with myself earlier on.

be good to yourself. you're totally kicking ass!
 
I know it gets redundant but nutrition and exercise are going to be what it takes to get you over this hurdle. One of my worst symptoms during detoxing is my appetite disappears, completely. So I went and spent a small fortune on protein, food supplements, organic fruits and veggies and a ninja blender. I do one protein and one fruit/veggie a day and when l slack off on this l notice a huge difference. It is very difficult to get adequate nutrition in general but we are making up for years of abuse to our bodies. You will get there, what you are doing is so very hard, and everyone here understands this!
 
simco said:
missjay, you're doing awesome, and you've totally got this.

i can't say a lot more than that, b/c i've been trying to quit for about a year now and have repeatedly crumbled under the depression you've described. i guess there is one thing that 12 months of this makes me want to say... IF at some point you do stumble and use, try not to rake yourself over the coals about it. just pick up where you left off and dive back into your recovery. always dive right back in. it's very hard not to feel like a failure, a loser, etc. after a setback. but those feelings are just useless weight, extra pain to drag around. i wish that i had been a little less punitive with myself earlier on.

be good to yourself. you're totally kicking ass!
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QFT. Neversickanymore gave me some of the best advice that I still use today. Shame is a worthless emotion.
 
PAWS is hard to deal with and definitely make it hard to focus on other parts of your life but a key to helping the depression is just distraction. Whether that be finding new friends in your recovery community or rebuilding old, lost relationships. However, there are times to be alone as well, which is why keeping a journal is always helpful as well. This is the rehab I went to and I enjoy keeping up with their blogs and this one actually encouraged me to start keeping a journal and allowed me to better reflect on not only who I am today but who I was yesterday and who I want to be in the future. I hope this helps and remember, you are much stronger than you believe!!

http://www.serenityacres.com/blog/the-power-of-keeping-a-journal-in-addiction-recovery
 
manboychef said:
So true Exjunkiegirl. As addicts we had one recourse to deal with emotions...positive or negative, and that was to use. Keeping a journal is extremely important. Dealing with negative thoughts and feelings is one of the hardest things to do because relearning coping mechanisms is extremely hard. I find myself just saying "I am strong enough to handle this." quite a bit. I used to not be strong...I would fold faster than a beach chair in a rainstorm when I felt bad. I never wanted to feel uncomfortable, but as I progress in my sobriety I can deal with discomfort better and better.

Think of this missjay: Exjunkiegirl came to SL same state as you....and so did I. Feeling things we haven't felt in years. We both used for a long time, and we both hurt ourselves. I find it amazing that you can watch new people that get the idea behind recovery grow and change. It really helped me realize my own feelings and recognize my journey by witnessing exjunkiegirl's growth and journey. If you stick too it and do the work this will happen to you too. It is a never-ending saga that you get to write.

Good luck and hold on homegirl!
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was never gonna say this out loud but i mine as well. when still doing my using during weekdays and wding during weekends (that was my life up until 3 weeks or so ago) every weekend i would say that i was done and often read threads in the SL forum during some of my worst fent withdrawals, what got me through it a few times was the dialogue between you and ExJunkiegirl. the last kick lasted a week and i decided "i cant live my life like this anymore" and am still paying the consequences.
 
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You might not have succeeded in your current endeavor, but you're not a failure at all missjay, I can guarantee you that. I hope you start feeling better. Keep trying, and you'll get where you want to be, even if you aren't able to see where that is at the moment.
 
I just feel SO stupid. Minus the PAWS, I was basically out of the woods. Life was getting better day by day and I was getting back to my old self. I said no for days.. but the pressure was there and the temptation just wouldn't go away. I caved and here I am. 3-4 a day instead of 20+ a day but I just know if I keep going I'll be right back to where I started. I'm so damn scared.

Thank you for your constant reassurance and kind words, TPD.. They help more than you know.
 
missjay said:
I am almost 30 days (23 to be exact) clean from a nasty opiate habit. I quit cold turkey with no help, just moral support. Minus body aches, I'm basically past all of the physical withdrawal symptoms. But I am FUCKED mentally. I was depressed with extreme anxiety before, but this is a whole new beast. I'm on depression medicine and anxiety medicine.. but I still have this horrible, horrible feeling inside. I'm sad. I'm pissed off. I want to use. I feel like I have no purpose. Etc. Etc. Etc. It comes and goes, but is dominant in my life.. especially at night. I DON'T want to relapse, but my mind is telling me it's the only thing that will help. I know an adjustment of my medications may be the answer but obviously that isn't what my mind is telling me. Help.. How long will this last? What can I do? I feel like my family is getting tired of me; I heard my sister make a nasty "she's always so pissed off" comment yesterday. I'm just.. Sigh..
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Well done on getting through the withdrawals - 23 days is ace. Sorry to hear that you're feeling sad. I hope things pick up for you

missjay said:
I just feel SO stupid. Minus the PAWS, I was basically out of the woods. Life was getting better day by day and I was getting back to my old self. I said no for days.. but the pressure was there and the temptation just wouldn't go away. I caved and here I am. 3-4 a day instead of 20+ a day but I just know if I keep going I'll be right back to where I started. I'm so damn scared.

Thank you for your constant reassurance and kind words, TPD.. They help more than you know.
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No you're not stupid honey, please don't be so hard on yourself. Please try to feel proud of what you're achieving n your journey will help others whether you believe it or not.

Evey
 
@Missjay: I was/am a chronic relapser. It took a serious amount of soul searching and therapy to break this cycle. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is that if you relapse you need to dust yourself off, kick that shame to the curb, and start working towards your recovery again.

You are much stronger than you know, and I know for a fact that you can do this. You may just need to approach it differently. Do you have co-occurring mental disorders? It was extremely important for me to work on/manage mine with medication and therapy in order to have any sort of sustainable sobriety, let alone be happy during sobriety.

If you need any support feel free to PM me. There are also so many people in the SL forum that wouldn't mind a PM from you if they know it will help you.
 
Ruby Slippers said:
I know it gets redundant but nutrition and exercise are going to be what it takes to get you over this hurdle. One of my worst symptoms during detoxing is my appetite disappears, completely. So I went and spent a small fortune on protein, food supplements, organic fruits and veggies and a ninja blender. I do one protein and one fruit/veggie a day and when l slack off on this l notice a huge difference. It is very difficult to get adequate nutrition in general but we are making up for years of abuse to our bodies. You will get there, what you are doing is so very hard, and everyone here understands this!
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Its so true. I'm barely over a week. The depression and anxiety is bad but I find fresh air exercise and eating well to be very very helpful
dnt be to had on yourself miss jay. We are human after all Just don't quit quitting. I didn't succeed my first attempt last November and I felt like a failure but I utilized that feeling to make another attempt and now I'm better for it. You want to be clean so you will do it. Best wishes to you all✌️
 
Thank you all so much. You'll never know how much your words have helped me.. not just on my thread but on other threads as well. You're all strong, amazing, accepting, caring people and that's really hard to find these days.

I'm doing better today. I'm looking at my relapse in a different light. Yes, I relapsed.. but I also stayed sober longer than I EVER have -- that's the motivation I needed to assure myself I *CAN* do it. Also, knowing I have all of you behind me makes it not seem like such a huge, daunting task. I have something here I've never had before.. people who understand.

Sometime over the next week I'm going to jump off again. Cold turkey is "easier" for me because I just draw out a taper and keep making excuses and extending how long I'm going to taper for. I'm so, so ready to put this part of my life behind me.

Again, thank you all! Remember -- you're amazing, you're strong & you probably have a cute butt! Muah.
 
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