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Sober and sad..

Two, almost three days of withdrawal and I threw it away.. AGAIN. I'm so pissed off; I can NOT keep going through this terrible cycle over & over again.. I'm going to lose it.
 
missjay said:
Two, almost three days of withdrawal and I threw it away.. AGAIN. I'm so pissed off; I can NOT keep going through this terrible cycle over & over again.. I'm going to lose it.
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Try not to beat yourself up a you are still moving forward in recovery. It's not uncommon to breakdown and use several times before you completely quit. Use this as an opportunity to analyze what you could have done differently and learn from the experience. Have a plan in place to handle the situation differently should it happen again. I'm sorry you're in and out of withdrawal - I know that's miserable. Overall you're still focused and determined and that's huge. Stay that way and you'll make it. Best wishes!
 
Moreaux said:
Try not to beat yourself up a you are still moving forward in recovery. It's not uncommon to breakdown and use several times before you completely quit. Use this as an opportunity to analyze what you could have done differently and learn from the experience. Have a plan in place to handle the situation differently should it happen again. I'm sorry you're in and out of withdrawal - I know that's miserable. Overall you're still focused and determined and that's huge. Stay that way and you'll make it. Best wishes!
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It took me four years of trying different things to finally get over a year sober. I had been to rehab at age eighteen (actually turned eighteen in rehab)...I am now 33 and have nearly two years clean. Just think. It took that long and quite a few false starts. As moreux says: Don't beat yourself up! The drugs are doing a pretty damn good job doing that already.
 
I agree with the above post by MBC. It is quite literally a process, l went though a quite heavy heroin habit, to maintenance, to know still abusing pills unfortunately. As much as l enjoy being high l am tired of feeling like shit all the time. I feel crappy with or without them to be honest. I am on day two cold turkey and am never looking back. Everyone is different and you will get there. Don't give up!!
 
Apparently I'm not meant to post tonight. Once, I posted & hit post & BL was down. Then again, I posted & hit post.. went to edit, and accidentally deleted my entire post. So, sorry if anything comes up duplicate.

Today is day one. Again. This time, I'm being forced to quit. Physically, I'm fine.. so far. But mentally, I'm broken. My doctor finally had my anxiety manageable with a medication change. Klonopin. But because of the people I surround myself with, 60 of my 90 pills were stolen. I have four left. Four that I have to save 'till right before my appointment because she wants a UA to make sure I'm actually taking what she's giving me. Thus, the reason I'm being forced to quit my DOC.. for now. I can't test positive for something she doesn't have me on.. Obviously. Anyway, the fact that I can't take my medicine when I actually need it infuriates me. My anxiety and depression are at an all time high. All I can do is think about the easiest ways to die. The fact that dying doesn't scare me anymore.. scares me. I think I've just given up.

Anyway. Day one. In the books. Again.
 
I guess this shouldn't even be in sober living anymore.. Because I can't seem to stay fucking sober. Ugh..
 
missjay said:
I guess this shouldn't even be in sober living anymore.. Because I can't seem to stay fucking sober. Ugh..
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Sober is a state of mind, not necessarily a state of abstinence. Don't be so hard on yourself girl! None of us are perfect, and therefore is not a very good reason for you to leave us here in SL.

We are always happy to have you :) <3
 
missjay said:
Apparently I'm not meant to post tonight. Once, I posted & hit post & BL was down. Then again, I posted & hit post.. went to edit, and accidentally deleted my entire post. So, sorry if anything comes up duplicate.

Today is day one. Again. This time, I'm being forced to quit. Physically, I'm fine.. so far. But mentally, I'm broken. My doctor finally had my anxiety manageable with a medication change. Klonopin. But because of the people I surround myself with, 60 of my 90 pills were stolen. I have four left. Four that I have to save 'till right before my appointment because she wants a UA to make sure I'm actually taking what she's giving me. Thus, the reason I'm being forced to quit my DOC.. for now. I can't test positive for something she doesn't have me on.. Obviously. Anyway, the fact that I can't take my medicine when I actually need it infuriates me. My anxiety and depression are at an all time high. All I can do is think about the easiest ways to die. The fact that dying doesn't scare me anymore.. scares me. I think I've just given up.

Anyway. Day one. In the books. Again.
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You need to change who you surround yourself with. You will always have them holding you back if you let them.
 
missjay said:
I guess this shouldn't even be in sober living anymore.. Because I can't seem to stay fucking sober. Ugh..
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Sorry to hear your script got stolen - is there any way you can surround yourself with better people? If not, keep all scripts with you if you can't trust the people around you - same thing for valuables.

Relapse is part of the recovery process so don't beat yourself up. Just examine this latest incident and consider what lead up to the relapse - note any triggers, and what you could have done differently. Make plans for how you will handle triggers in the future. Eventually you do learn to recognize your triggers early on so you can deal with them more effectively. You may want to discuss your relapse pattern with your doctor if you trust them.

If it's any consolation I was a chronic relapser...for seven years. The worst thing I did was beat myself up over it as it just perpetuated the cycle. It made things worse and more out of control. Toward the end I was so disgusted with myself I began attempting suicide on a regular basis and put my family through hell. It was hard. I have over two years sober now. If I could go back and do things differently I would force myself to learn from each relapse and accept that it is an illness, not a personal failing or a moral issue. I also would have dealt with my mental health issues much much sooner, as once I addressed those and made progress in that area getting clean wasn't so difficult. Because of that experience I feel that my addiction was actually a symptom of my mental health piece, and not the main problem.

Stick around - you're in the right area. We're here if you need us. It's not an easy process and few people get it correct on the first, second, tenth time lol ;) You have the desire and that is the biggest step imo. Take care of yourself!
 
Sober. Five days, I think.. My mind is too blurred to remembered.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow.. To refill my psych meds ans tweak them to tone down the suicidal thoughts. But I find out the day before I'm supposed to go that my insurance won't pay for another appointment. I need $50. I've asked everyone.. & its as if noone even cares to help. I'm trying to fix myself, to help myself.. And I just keep getting shoved backwards. I have no idea what will happen with no psych meds at all. & the anxiety this is giving me makes me want to do nothing more than get high and forget the world for a while. I think I've officially given up.
 
Relapse is apart of getting clean. I have done it many times, you need something that will keep your mind busy. Especially at night; books, Netflix, painting, exercise. Exercise will help you keep your mind off things and keep you exhausted so you're not up all night thinking. Good luck, you got this.
 
I have been free of My prescribed pain meds morphine and Oxycodone. I am still on 3 mg of Klonopinn a day which I will probably be on for awhile due to my MH issues. I am still in pain but I am not able to deal with the pain and being being able to get through a day without a mountain of issues. I don't know what I am feeling.

I am constantly clinching my teeth having some Ticks and weird feeling in my face like I am craving something, also some nervous habits, blinking my eyes moving my ears, extreme anger and frustration . I have pulled weapons on people over the smallest things. I have severe intrusive thoughts. My OCD dosent help, along with GAD, PTSD, MDD with psychosis, which all are my official diagnosis. I feel the only thing that can help me is getting back on my pain meds. I can't use weed due to my profession (absolutely a disgrace) which would keep me from my anger and rage problems and help me be able to deal with my family. I had two brain injuries in the military which contribute to my anger outburst problems.

Anyone have similar issues? I also have to take Seroquel at night just to calm me down as my 3 mg of Klonopin dosent cut it anymore. I don't want to take any more benzos.
 
I guess I should have posted on the dark side, didn't think there would be many with similar situations in sober living. Sorry Mods
 
Man in the Dark said:
I guess I should have posted on the dark side, didn't think there would be many with similar situations in sober living. Sorry Mods
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Hey man. Of course I know how you feel lol. Congrats on the opiates. I'm still taking clonazepam at night when it's a bad night but I try not to everyday. Seroquel worked for me for a few months then stopped. I wish I could help ya bud. I know your off opiates but have you ever thought of methadone for pain? Just wondering because since I started methadone I sleep really well.
I'm not looking forward to Labor Day fireworks-planning a trip way up north to avoid them. You get it
Take care of ya self man and I wish you the best :)
 
Positive vibes everyone's way. Im a cpl weeks off heroin and x amount of days away from other things. I know this is possible, guys. Let's keep going..
 
Sweetyjane77 said:
Hey man. Of course I know how you feel lol. Congrats on the opiates. I'm still taking clonazepam at night when it's a bad night but I try not to everyday. Seroquel worked for me for a few months then stopped. I wish I could help ya bud. I know your off opiates but have you ever thought of methadone for pain? Just wondering because since I started methadone I sleep really well.
I'm not looking forward to Labor Day fireworks-planning a trip way up north to avoid them. You get it
Take care of ya self man and I wish you the best :)
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Thanks Jane. Happy to hear from you. I have thought about methadone,my Dr reccommend it. I'm on Seroquel also only thing that helps me sleep. Sucks it dosent work for you. It's good your not taking the Klonopin every night, smart move. I hear you about Labor Day were I live it will be packed with people, I need to move to an island or the middle of the woods. I hope you are well.
 
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