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So my detox starts tomorrow. Going to need some support.

shady4091 said:
EDIT: I just now realized that bluelight is helping me though my detox, and bluelight is also where I learned about Poppy Seed Tea. Funny...
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Quite ironic, yes :)
BUT it's great that this site is helping you right now shady, you need all the help you can get so I'm glad you're here talking it through. It sounds like you're going really well (despite today being a bit shitty). Keep up the good work man, you're doing great :) <3
 
Fuuuuck, I wasn't going to say anything because I'm so damn ashamed but it's not like I can lie if I want to help myself. Last night I found myself in town, with a bit of cash and I fucking gave in. I'm back out in the country now with another bottle of Codeine so I can taper that a bit better but fuck... I feel like I've let everyone here down especially since my very last words here were "I wont cave". My faith in myself is now completely shaken and I feel worse than ever. I've never felt so useless, fuck Larson I'm so sorry, man. :'(

I'm in tears just writing this, it's so fucking hard to confess such a failure...
 
It's okay shady! I'm sure you've heard/read this many times before but it is very very true: Relapse is part of recovery. The vast majority of people who are trying to quit drugs do have relapses. It doesn't mean you're weak, it doesn't mean you're not going to get clean, it doesn't mean you should stop trying. It is all part of your journey to sobriety.

So please try not to beat up on yourself about this, okay? <3

I know you feel shitty about what happened, but the best thing you can do right now is accept that it happened, and just pick up from where you left off and keep going with getting clean. You haven't let anyone down, because you are doing this for YOU, not for anyone else.

Try to think about what happened leading up to the events of last night. Did anything happen yesterday that made you have stronger cravings, or made you feel less focussed on being sober? Maybe there wasn't a reason for it, maybe it just happened. But try to think of something you can do next time to avoid actually following through with what happened last night. The journey to sobriety is a huuuge learning curve, so just keep on trying, keep learning from your mistakes, and you will get there :)

Take care okay? Keep us updated with how you're going <3
 
Thank you for the kind words! It really means a lot to me right now. It's hard to say what made me give in last night. The boredom coupled with the fact that as soon as the thought entered my mind that I COULD get high, it was all over. The second that entered my mind I knew I was fucked. I even brought the necessary containers with me in to town to wash the seeds. And to make matters even worse, I went to my friends place first to help him make some hash and the second I step out of his car his moms garden containing many many poppy pods was staring me right in the face. So now I have two choices. Stay out in the country and be treturously bored all the time or go in to town to hang out with a friend/sister and risk relapse every time...

I'm getting myself a bag of weed though, which will help TREMENDOUSLY with the boredom for a few days.
 
^ n3o is spot on. This is all part and parcel of recovery.. and the fact is, you did it, but now you feel bad about it. Of course I don't want you to feel bad and please, do try not to beat yourself up - it happend, it doesn't make you a bad person though.. and the fact that you do feel so awful just goes to show how much this means to you, and how much you do want it - which is a strong thing, not a weak thing. If you are tempted again, you will have this to draw on - remembering how it made you feel, and how much you wished you hadn't done it.. and that will help you hugely in the future I think <3

There are going to be times when everyone detoxing/in recovery is tempted and if you didn't have these memories of how it made you feel and how much you regretted it, it would be a lot easier to fall in the future. This is giving you protection, which in turn makes you even stronger.

You really mustn't start thinking you let anyone down though. You are walking a very tough path, and everyone stumbles sometimes - but you want to pick yourself back up again and continue. That takes a lot of guts and strength - I imagine it would have been a lot easier to think f*** it - I can't do it, may as well not try anymore. But you didnt. You wanted to carry on. You are a strong person and you can do this! <3
 
You're absolutely right though, the high I got last night was NOT worth how shitty I feel about it today. Not to mention the gross groggy headachey hangover I get from it now that my tolerance is lowered.

Unfortunately though, since that was the highest I've been in a looonggg time my cravings are worse than ever now :(
 
Stay out of town. If you have to go to town, dont go to the areas where you will be tempted to buy. Stop with the codeine as soon as possible. I understande your need to titrate but you need to get all the opiates out of your system to completely detox and until you do, your just going to keep dragging this out. Your doing good. Dont let a little hiccup stop ya.
 
meh, its no big deal. in my thread i caved on day 4 or 5 and took some .5 or 1mg of suboxone, which at the time got me kinda high. i felt like i let other people down and didn't like telling people but really its my life and it was my choice to stop. i was also giving away my last bit to a friend that day and knew it was the last i'd see of those, however if i didn't i dont know how it would turn out. everything was fine those first few days, i was sick, it was expected, but i knew what the light was to come. then one day its like, hey, why not? it was very spur of the moment and once i decided to there was no stopping me. im just glad i dont have any connections or it could be very bad.

i never told my girlfriend about that day. she probably wouldn't see it as a big deal and it really wasn't, but the fact is after being sick for 4 days i definitely got high and that feeling of going from sick to 100% is a feeling you dont forget, esp 15 days in. always lingering and never silenced, only dealt with. i dont know how i deal with it.
 
Shady, I couldn't begin to count the number of times I tried to detox and managed a few days, a week, a fortnight before I relapsed. It was always just being sooooo desperate for just one night's sleep that broke me in the end. It sucks to know that you'd put yourself through the hardest part, and were doing so well until whatever it was came along and broke your resolve. Just have to chalk it up to experience, all part of the learning curve. Least now you know that a) you can do this, because you were managing it right up to the point you fell off, b) alcohol is not a good idea for you right now because it weakens your resolve, and c) certain environments are not good for you right now because they are potentially triggering. I know it's hard for you to see much in the way of positives, but there's things there you can use for next time Shady. The most important being a) you can do this, and now know you can.

Hang in there fella, keep at it. You were winning right up to the last moment. Next time you won't make the same mistake, will you? ;)
 
Blah, the worst thing about caving is I feel like I'm back at square one with the withdraws. I spent a good portion of last night on my feet at a local metal show in the city and my back and legs have never ached so bad, even after a dose of Codeine... It was good to get out but I wish I wasn't so miserable! I'm also losing track of time now as well. I think this is day 3 since I caved but I'm not even entirely sure... I've also been exceedingly baked for the past 36 or so hours so that could be why. All I know is that I'm still in pain, and I feel like I've been in pain forever now...

The biggest trigger is just being by myself... As long as I'm with friends (none of whom know I was ever addicted) it's easy to stay distracted, but as soon as I'm alone and I've got a chance to get high, anxiety kicks in and I'm battling myself.
 
shady4091 said:
The biggest trigger is just being by myself... As long as I'm with friends (none of whom know I was ever addicted) it's easy to stay distracted, but as soon as I'm alone and I've got a chance to get high, anxiety kicks in and I'm battling myself.
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You've tapped into wisdom right there. It almost seems like the physical cravings from the drug mirror our psychological cravings to alleviate anxiety, loneliness, etc. Making it a mission to give up a drug is one side of a train track. Simultaneously making it a mission to understand our underlying needs (triggers) and to change those is the track. I don't think the train can ever move without laying both sides of the track together.

You're doing so good, Shady. You got something real out of the relapse and that is both remorse and renewed determination. Be proud of yourself for the whole process. You are learning how to do things differently and learning always entails some failures and false starts.

The pain will pass. You have a lot of folks here who really care and admire you. Treat yourself like you would treat one of us if the situation were reversed. <3<3<3
 
herbavore said:
You've tapped into wisdom right there. It almost seems like the physical cravings from the drug mirror our psychological cravings to alleviate anxiety, loneliness, etc. Making it a mission to give up a drug is one side of a train track. Simultaneously making it a mission to understand our underlying needs (triggers) and to change those is the track. I don't think the train can ever move without laying both sides of the track together.

You're doing so good, Shady. You got something real out of the relapse and that is both remorse and renewed determination. Be proud of yourself for the whole process. You are learning how to do things differently and learning always entails some failures and false starts.

The pain will pass. You have a lot of folks here who really care and admire you. Treat yourself like you would treat one of us if the situation were reversed. <3<3<3
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Thank you! :) It's absolutely true that if I were to see a post in which someone else said they had caved, I would say "it's all part of getting better" but it feels so different when you cave yourself. It just feels like weakness... It's something you have to come to terms with, but be careful not to justify. It's tricky.

Today I feel pretty meh. About the same as I've been feeling 95% of the time, but at least now I have some weed to combat the boredom. It's strange too because I used to LOVE blazing while on my poppy-seed tea to increase the nods. It always added that little bit extra but when I smoke up now, it doesn't make me think about that like I thought it might. In fact, it tends to take my mind right off of it which is a wonderful relief.

I love weed. LOVE IT. >.>
 
yeah ifelt the same towards weed. i smoked it to help me nod. but when i smoke it now i just relax and dont get as blasted stoned as when i was on suboxone drinking or on painkillers. it doesn't help me sleep too mcuh anymore esp since i broke my bong slide and haven't got a new one. dont get as high without the bong.

i smoke way less now too. it was every night no question around 2 or 3 am to get myself ready for bed. now its like 2-3 nights a week maybe. my drinking went down dramatically too. i was drinking bottles of wine or 6 packs every night on suboxone. didn't do that on painkillers and it all started with suboxone. now that im off ill spend more on higher quality stuff, drink way less and way slower or not at all. also make it more a social thing, opening a good bottle of wine with my girlfriend or something and drink it with dinner, etc. i didn't get hangovers on suboxone, now i do and they can be brutal. maybe drink a scotch with a cigar while i read or something. i know how addictive it can be by the past 14 months so im takin it slow when the time may come. i have been drunk once i think in the past 20 days.

still stay up fuckin late at night, get shit sleep, etc. i can function more on 6 hours of sleep now then when i was on sub. today is day 20 and in 15 hours it will be 3 weeks.
 
Congrats man, 3 weeks is a long time when you feel like shit and especially when you barely sleep haha. I agree though, pot isn't helping me sleep now, nothing is. Tossing and turning all night only to wake up feeling miserable is hands down the worst part of this right now and it's only about to get worse. No more Codeine for me, it's time to get off it all and the real deal, so-to-speak begins tomorrow. First day off everything. Good day to start, November 1st, easy enough to remember.
 
Good luck shady, you can do this man!! We're all here for you, when you need support. We all believe in you :)

Keep us updated <3
 
Well this is the longest I've gone without anything in a looonnggg time and I don't feel the sickness yet but it's in the post. That's for sure. ;)

It's gonna be a long few days...
 
Shady, it's 3 or 4 days since you fell off, is that right? Wouldn't you be plenty sick already by now usually? It may be that the one night you had back on the pods didn't set you back quite so far as you thought? Sometimes works that way, and seems to me I've sometimes just picked up the withdrawal symptoms from where I left it so long as I had only a really small dose, depending how far along I was at the point I lapsed.
 
It's day 6 since I fell off but I've been on Codeine everyday to help the W/D's from the tea. I didn't taper as efficiently as I'd have liked to either, I definitely used it too much. Today is my first day off everything, including Codeine.

I also didn't mention but before I went on pods/seeds I had a 2 year Codeine habit. I've been on opiates in general for about 4 years...
 
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