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Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II

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Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"
 
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon
leaving to check out a good prospect, the brunette tells her sister,
"Now, when I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact
you to drive out with the trailer after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it.

After paying him the $599 asking price, she drives to the nearest
town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and
drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left,
meaning she'll only be able to send her sister a one-word message.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you
to send her the word...'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to
know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send
her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it slowly...out loud... "com-for-da-bul"."
 
dear mum
wont be home for xmas gonna hang aroubd singapore
love your son
van ngyuen


what did singapore give john howard for xmas?
a slope on a rope.


van ngyuen has turned down changi prisons offer of a last meal asking instead for a longneck..
 
Whats deadlier then a Sydney Funnel Web?

A Singapore Trapdoor.




*shudder* I need to clean myself now.
 
George Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround your self with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. "

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his vice president, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."

Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
 
The Centre for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
Immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
 
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"


His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up and
asks..........''How many is a brazillion ??!'
 
The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is
extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close
to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the
bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
But just a few minutes later a train again shakes the room so
violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager who
says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the manager
lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What are you doing in
here!?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe, I'm waiting for a
train?"
 
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. . . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."
 
whats the difference between Van Nguyens mother and Ricky Ponting?


Vans mother brought home the Ashes ;)


What did the Singaporean government give the Australian people for Christmas?

Slope On A Rope!


=D
 
0ff1cer_ch0ps said:
Keystroke is a racist, sexist, poofter hating cunt... but thats what makes him!

I still vote him for PM!
Click to expand...


I don't think I'm racist, sexist or homophobic, but I can make as many jokes about them as I want without bothering who I offend.

I just hate idiots, but I have plaz on ignore so you know ;)

on with the van nugget jokes.


if you can't take a joke in this thread, don't fucking read it. pretty simple.
 
^ agreed =D
Even tho I'd shed a tear for Vans death, i value laughter more than bitching at other peoples values
 
i hate blonde jokes, although was told this one last night and found it somewhat amusing...

a blonde was sitting a job interview for a video store and the clerk said: "ok, one last question, how many d's are there in indiana jones?" and the blonde stopped, thought a little and replied "57!", "how do you figure?" "(theme song) d-d-d, d-d-dddddddd, d-d-d-d, d-d-d-d-d"

...kytnism...:|
 
keystroke said:
whats the difference between Van Nguyens mother and Ricky Ponting?


Vans mother brought home the Ashes ;)
Click to expand...

Heard that on Friday night and I swear I was in tears of laughter for hours! =D =D =D =D
 
Why did the blonde start going to church?

(Hold arms outstretched)
Because she heard there was some guy there hung like this.
 
Wanna buy a vowel?

hangman2nl.jpg
 
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