Pleonastic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2000
- Messages
- 9,428
Read the last thread - just about every joke in here is probably a repost... 
Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II
- Thread starter Pleonastic
- Start date
- Status
discurio
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 1, 2002
- Messages
- 176
Mr Smith goes into the medical centr to pick up his wifes test results.
"Excuse me mr Smith, the dr would like to c u" said the receptionist. so off he goes to the drs office.
'i'm terribly sorry mr smith but there was a mix up at the lab with your wifes reuslts, she either has aids or alztheimers disease!" said dr.
"wtf? what are we sposed to do with this info?" yelled a rather angry mr smith
"well i'll tell u what." said dr "u brung her down to the medical centre tomorrow and drop her off, if she finds her way home DONT fuck her!!!"
"Excuse me mr Smith, the dr would like to c u" said the receptionist. so off he goes to the drs office.
'i'm terribly sorry mr smith but there was a mix up at the lab with your wifes reuslts, she either has aids or alztheimers disease!" said dr.
"wtf? what are we sposed to do with this info?" yelled a rather angry mr smith
"well i'll tell u what." said dr "u brung her down to the medical centre tomorrow and drop her off, if she finds her way home DONT fuck her!!!"
Chaos Butterfly
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2000
- Messages
- 10,382
what's better than eating a mandarin?
eating amanda out...
eating amanda out...
Whats more fun than swinging a baby on a clothesline? stopping it with a cricketbat.
Whats more fun than 10 babies in a bucket? One baby in 10 buckets
Whats black and sits at the top of stairwells? Paraplegic after a housefire.
Whats pink and sticky and crawls up young girls legs? A homesick abortion.
Shall I continue?
Whats more fun than 10 babies in a bucket? One baby in 10 buckets
Whats black and sits at the top of stairwells? Paraplegic after a housefire.
Whats pink and sticky and crawls up young girls legs? A homesick abortion.
Shall I continue?
elevhein
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2002
- Messages
- 596
Probably re-posts, but what the hey....
Q: What do you get if you cut a baby in half with a chainsaw?
A: An erection
Q: What's red and follows behind a train?
A: A mis-carriage
Q: What's the best thing about fucking a 3 year old girl?
A: You can flip it over and fuck a 3 year old boy.
Q: What's black, blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.
Q: How do you stop an aboriginal from drowning?
A: Take you foot of his head.
Q: What do you get if you cut a baby in half with a chainsaw?
A: An erection
Q: What's red and follows behind a train?
A: A mis-carriage
Q: What's the best thing about fucking a 3 year old girl?
A: You can flip it over and fuck a 3 year old boy.
Q: What's black, blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.
Q: How do you stop an aboriginal from drowning?
A: Take you foot of his head.
Chaos Butterfly
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2000
- Messages
- 10,382
i heard this one today... credit to muzby though... and this does not show our view on anything...
why do chemists put that annoying piece of cotton wool in the top of all pill containers?
because black people were cotton pickers before they became drug dealers... :D
why do chemists put that annoying piece of cotton wool in the top of all pill containers?
because black people were cotton pickers before they became drug dealers... :D
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says,
> "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
>
> The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
>
> Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come
> running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
>
> The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all that, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
>
> The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some heroin.
> "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
>
> The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh*t out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
>
> The lion answers, "That little f*cker makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
and then...
Dogs day at vet
Three Labrador retrievers -- a brown, yellow, and black -- are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, 'Why are you here?'
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?", the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
and then...
Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
it was split right up the front
and every time that Mary walked...
...but she didn't wear that one very often
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said "F**k him, He's only an egg.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay
WARNING: These contain strong language.
Here we go...
Little Beau Peep f**ked a sheep
Blew a horse, licked its feet
Shaved his arse so very nice
Tongued his balls not once but twice
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
The f**king whore
Peter Peter pumpkin eater
Had a wife and loved to beat her
Smacked her twice across the head
F**ked her ass and went to bed
Hickory dickory dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
I dumped the bitch on the next block
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his f**king dick
Mary had a little lamb
She kept in her backyard
When she took her panties off
His woolly dick got hard
Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
And said, "Hey, what's the in the bowl, bitch?!"
Mary Mary quite contrary
Trim that pussy it's so damn hairy
> "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
>
> The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
>
> Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come
> running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
>
> The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all that, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
>
> The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some heroin.
> "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
>
> The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh*t out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
>
> The lion answers, "That little f*cker makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
and then...
Dogs day at vet
Three Labrador retrievers -- a brown, yellow, and black -- are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, 'Why are you here?'
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?", the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
and then...
Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
it was split right up the front
and every time that Mary walked...
...but she didn't wear that one very often
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said "F**k him, He's only an egg.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay
WARNING: These contain strong language.
Here we go...
Little Beau Peep f**ked a sheep
Blew a horse, licked its feet
Shaved his arse so very nice
Tongued his balls not once but twice
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
The f**king whore
Peter Peter pumpkin eater
Had a wife and loved to beat her
Smacked her twice across the head
F**ked her ass and went to bed
Hickory dickory dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
I dumped the bitch on the next block
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his f**king dick
Mary had a little lamb
She kept in her backyard
When she took her panties off
His woolly dick got hard
Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
And said, "Hey, what's the in the bowl, bitch?!"
Mary Mary quite contrary
Trim that pussy it's so damn hairy
[serotone]
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2000
- Messages
- 736
An old bloke and granny in a nursing home find a fancy in each other, and quickly become 'fuck buddies'. Every couple of nights he drops a viagra or two and gets his fix, and she's loving it. Then one particular night she finds him with another woman, but doesn't make an issue of it because she loves the sex so much and hasn't had life so good in ages.
Over the course of the next few weeks, this bloke keeps doing the other granny behind her back, and she finally can't stand it anymore and confronts him about it.:
She asks frustratedley, 'what has she got that i don't?'....and he replies, "Parkinsons'.
Over the course of the next few weeks, this bloke keeps doing the other granny behind her back, and she finally can't stand it anymore and confronts him about it.:
She asks frustratedley, 'what has she got that i don't?'....and he replies, "Parkinsons'.
PsychoKitten
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2001
- Messages
- 7,329
Chaos Butterfly
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2000
- Messages
- 10,382
oh my did you have to bring it back...
CB
CB
phantasmal
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2003
- Messages
- 43
I can offer a few... I didn't see them in here anywhere...
Q- What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of sand?
A- You can't unload the sand with a pitchfork!
Q- What's blue and shiny and rattle's around in the corner?
A- Baby in a plastic bag
Q- What's green and fuzzy and sits quietly in the corner?
A- Same baby, three months later
Q- Why are women's feet smaller than men's?
A- So they can stand closer to the sink!
Q- Why are wedding dresses white?
A- Aren't all kitchen appliances?
Aboriginal guy is walking along, with a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm, and half a slab under the other. His mate yells out to him "hey, how'd the divorce go?". First one yells back "yeah, the missus got the kids, I got the house and contents"!!
Q- What do you call an aboriginal with a sheet of corrugated iron?
A- First home buyer
Q- What do you call an aboriginal carrying two sheets of iron?
A- Real estate agent!
Q- Why did the woman get hit by a truck?
A- Who cares? What was she doing out of the kitchen?!
Q- What's the difference between PMS and BSE?
A- One's Mad Cow Disease, the other's an agricultural problem
Q- What has four legs and an arm?
A- A happy Pit Bull
Does a dyslexic agnostic believe in Dog?
This thread's like a sore dick - you can't beat it
Q- What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of sand?
A- You can't unload the sand with a pitchfork!
Q- What's blue and shiny and rattle's around in the corner?
A- Baby in a plastic bag
Q- What's green and fuzzy and sits quietly in the corner?
A- Same baby, three months later
Q- Why are women's feet smaller than men's?
A- So they can stand closer to the sink!
Q- Why are wedding dresses white?
A- Aren't all kitchen appliances?
Aboriginal guy is walking along, with a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm, and half a slab under the other. His mate yells out to him "hey, how'd the divorce go?". First one yells back "yeah, the missus got the kids, I got the house and contents"!!
Q- What do you call an aboriginal with a sheet of corrugated iron?
A- First home buyer
Q- What do you call an aboriginal carrying two sheets of iron?
A- Real estate agent!
Q- Why did the woman get hit by a truck?
A- Who cares? What was she doing out of the kitchen?!
Q- What's the difference between PMS and BSE?
A- One's Mad Cow Disease, the other's an agricultural problem
Q- What has four legs and an arm?
A- A happy Pit Bull
Does a dyslexic agnostic believe in Dog?
This thread's like a sore dick - you can't beat it
- Status