MistakeMistress
Greenlighter
I've wanted to leave you so many times, hated you, despised you, resented you, for all the times you flipped out. Broke everything in your path and off of it, just because you didn't know how to hurt me. You didn't know how to, because I made sure to keep the most damaging experiences from you, for this very reason. You lied to me so many times about your opiate intake, and in the beginning - lied (keeping information is just as bad, if not worse) completely. You waited until I was hook, line, & sinker for you, before you let on that your pill addiction was what it was. The first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing before bed. You have made me feel so hurt, treating me like I used you for your financial position. How can I do that? How could I have ever done that when your paycheck is $1,400/wk and $1,350 is in the form of little blue pills by Saturday morning? Provided for me? Yeah, you've done an outstanding job of providing me with being able to keep $20 of my paychecks because your job is priority over mine, because it's an $80,000/annual and I worked 32 hours a week at home depot for minimum wage. And we wouldn't be Ble to survive off that pay if you lost your job because you couldnt make it to work. So I gave you my money and kept none. Then you'd complain that I lied to you if I didn't tell you I got child support that week, because I was selfish. Yeah well, how do you think we have toilet paper and shampoo? It certainly wasn't because you bought it.
I wish you would've told me in the beginning, and been upfront like I was about my shortcomings & baggage, about your drug addiction. I would have blocked you from my phone and not accepted your second date request.
For only a brief moment I believed that you were actually going to go to detox and get your shit together. But now I see that this "I'm not going to yell, call you names, or break you and your kids' stuff anymore" bit is just that, a bit. There's no way we can recover from the damage you've done. You say you want to provide a proper home for your kids when they come to see you. You want to focus on you and doing the right things for once. You say that you've tried so hard to get through to me and making me your first priority this whole time has to change so you can put your life back together? I'm still confused by that statement. Confused because I was never your first priority, sticking blue pills up your nose was. You didn't care who got hurt as a result. As long as you were high. I have never been further than 4th on your priority pole. Unless you wanted sex... And only because you smoked a bunch of glass and get all crazy horny and need to release. I'm a fuck doll to you. But only When you're that kind of high, cause your dick is worthless when it's numbed down from pills. It's a fucking joke dick. If I had somewhere to go, of my own, and had a car and job again (oh, had you not "borrowed" all of my money ... Well, paid me back like you said you would) I could've already fixed my car and not depended on you and your moms car that I fixed so I could use it - but yes, you're right, it is your mom's car. I don't have any rightsto it, even though I fixed it. You're right, it doesn't automatically mean I should get to use it to get to my therapy appointments because I have PTSD. you're right, I do know how to walk. I can walk out of the apartment I pay for, past your truck (that gets 13 mpg so you don't want to drive that to work) that you have the key for, on your keyring, in your belt loop, because it's your truck. Not mine. You don't have any obligation to let me drive it Like I had with my car, to you. It's totally different. It's your baby and my car was just a car, not something special or anything.
But you've wrongfully placed your main attention on me and your kids have suffered enough from it.
Oh, it's okay. I'll go ahead and pay the last four months of rent back When I get my tax return and then still have to move out by 3/1 with my kids, my cat, all of our things, without a car or any money left to get a place. But thank you! for offering me to stay with you for a month as long as my kids stay somewhere else, until I can get back on my feet. I know I shouldn't be mad that you have a career you worked really hard for when you were sober and married. It's not your fault that I don't make good money. You're right, it's not. But it's YOUR FUCKING FAULT I AM LOSING MY HOME, MY 16 YEAR OLD MOVED OUT, AND HAVE NOWHERE LEFT TO GO! I've sacrificed everything to be with you. Defended you when I shouldn't have, took the blame when it was yours, and believed you every single stupid naive time that you said you'd pay me back, pay the rent, quit pills, and feel completely and utterly foolish and alone.
But I don't care about anyone but myself. FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE
No, I didn't deserve to have an abusive relationship from you or my ex (even though you said I deserved it because you knew it would hurt me if you said it). I'm so fucked up from it that I have PTSD episodes and sleep for days at a time. But it's just an excuse to be lazy because I'm selfish and don't care about you. Only matters what (name) wants. Everyone stop and take care of what (name) wants, because she's all that matters.
Fuck you and your derogatory mockery. I don't open up to you like I used to because you only use the knowledge as a weapon against me. You don't love me. You use me until something better will come along.
Goddamn, that was better than an orgasm... Time to refill the bottled emotions until our next encounter, wonderful thread.
I wish you would've told me in the beginning, and been upfront like I was about my shortcomings & baggage, about your drug addiction. I would have blocked you from my phone and not accepted your second date request.
For only a brief moment I believed that you were actually going to go to detox and get your shit together. But now I see that this "I'm not going to yell, call you names, or break you and your kids' stuff anymore" bit is just that, a bit. There's no way we can recover from the damage you've done. You say you want to provide a proper home for your kids when they come to see you. You want to focus on you and doing the right things for once. You say that you've tried so hard to get through to me and making me your first priority this whole time has to change so you can put your life back together? I'm still confused by that statement. Confused because I was never your first priority, sticking blue pills up your nose was. You didn't care who got hurt as a result. As long as you were high. I have never been further than 4th on your priority pole. Unless you wanted sex... And only because you smoked a bunch of glass and get all crazy horny and need to release. I'm a fuck doll to you. But only When you're that kind of high, cause your dick is worthless when it's numbed down from pills. It's a fucking joke dick. If I had somewhere to go, of my own, and had a car and job again (oh, had you not "borrowed" all of my money ... Well, paid me back like you said you would) I could've already fixed my car and not depended on you and your moms car that I fixed so I could use it - but yes, you're right, it is your mom's car. I don't have any rightsto it, even though I fixed it. You're right, it doesn't automatically mean I should get to use it to get to my therapy appointments because I have PTSD. you're right, I do know how to walk. I can walk out of the apartment I pay for, past your truck (that gets 13 mpg so you don't want to drive that to work) that you have the key for, on your keyring, in your belt loop, because it's your truck. Not mine. You don't have any obligation to let me drive it Like I had with my car, to you. It's totally different. It's your baby and my car was just a car, not something special or anything.
But you've wrongfully placed your main attention on me and your kids have suffered enough from it.
Oh, it's okay. I'll go ahead and pay the last four months of rent back When I get my tax return and then still have to move out by 3/1 with my kids, my cat, all of our things, without a car or any money left to get a place. But thank you! for offering me to stay with you for a month as long as my kids stay somewhere else, until I can get back on my feet. I know I shouldn't be mad that you have a career you worked really hard for when you were sober and married. It's not your fault that I don't make good money. You're right, it's not. But it's YOUR FUCKING FAULT I AM LOSING MY HOME, MY 16 YEAR OLD MOVED OUT, AND HAVE NOWHERE LEFT TO GO! I've sacrificed everything to be with you. Defended you when I shouldn't have, took the blame when it was yours, and believed you every single stupid naive time that you said you'd pay me back, pay the rent, quit pills, and feel completely and utterly foolish and alone.
But I don't care about anyone but myself. FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE
No, I didn't deserve to have an abusive relationship from you or my ex (even though you said I deserved it because you knew it would hurt me if you said it). I'm so fucked up from it that I have PTSD episodes and sleep for days at a time. But it's just an excuse to be lazy because I'm selfish and don't care about you. Only matters what (name) wants. Everyone stop and take care of what (name) wants, because she's all that matters.
Fuck you and your derogatory mockery. I don't open up to you like I used to because you only use the knowledge as a weapon against me. You don't love me. You use me until something better will come along.
Goddamn, that was better than an orgasm... Time to refill the bottled emotions until our next encounter, wonderful thread.
