what are we, where is this going?
our friendship has always had undertones. we both know that. but the last couple of months has seen it go to an entirely new level. i was always the one who pursued you, now it's you pursuing me. our last visit made me more confused than ever, especially wqhen you were all over her in front of me...until i sat and examined my own actions. i've been such an asshole lately. im too wrapped up in my depression and burgeoning speed addiction--only the former which you know about--to really put myself in your shoes. i was cold to you, was disconnected from everyone and moody. and when im at my worst, you're the one i want to hurt--even though you're also the last person i want to hurt. but you always forgive me. i know, and feel, how much you're in love with me...it's different now. are you waiting on me to do something? or have you made up your mind that it's Time For Things To Change? is that why you are visiting me by yourself in a month? did she approve? or has the relationship been opened? i'm so scared now that i feel what i've always wanted is...right here. i feel im even working hard to sabotage it by treating you like shit, because do i deserve happiness? but yet you let me do it, right now it's pretty much my whims always....do you even know what you're walking into, my dear? i seem nice and innocent, but i am a shitbag that has done a lot of shitbag things NO ONE knows about, for my addiction. i was always an addict deep down, but only in the last year did i actually develop one. you should stay with her. i will suck the life out of you. then again, can i do it more than she already has? you won't tell me but i know your darkness runs as deep as my own. perhaps we are so alike and meant for each other after all. but what will we do to each other--save or destroy? im so scared...sometimes i think that means i've never wanted you after all. but then i remember i cant possibly see myself with anyone else, you are definitely the One. i only wish youd do drugs with me, experience these alternate realities with me, but then i remember that's a part of you that will save me. being addicts together will definitely destroy me. you're cautious because both of your parents are alcoholics. i don't really need drugs around you anyway. yes, i actually do love you more than i love speed. you are my perfect drug. and i think you've finally realized that i'm yours