You're telling that all of yesterday, I was awful, aggressive, mean, I patronized and demeaned you. My yesterday - I was lost in love with you. We drove to Atlanta, just having you beside me was stunningly blissful, and when I looked over at you, doing your phone thing and you smile back at me - there's no place on Earth I'd rather be, no one I'd trade places with. I'm not a bad person, I'm not mean or cruel or anything like that. If you really felt like I was being difficult all day, I had no clue. True, I never doubt anything from you, I assume transparency, but if when you smiled back at me, you were barely holding your temper, boo, you deserve an oscar. I know I'm rude and crude, but there's no malice in me. That's who I am. You say that I was trying to hurt you, being nasty - No. I'm sorry, I really want to understand, but no. I'm not that guy. I know what I was feeling - it was VERY intense bliss. There was no harm in my heart and I know my heart. So, just no. Whatever that was, it was you.
I went looking for science stuff, on the effects of long term meth use. Never read up on it, not may thing - this is what I found:
Each high seems better than before. Each high is easier to
reach and lasts longer. The user feels confident, powerful, intelligent, bullet
proof, and invincible. At high doses of smoked or injected methamphetamine,
he gets sexually aroused, has almost unlimited endurance and
performance. The high has been described as “ten orgasms all at the same
time” followed by many hours of intense arousal.23 In the early stages of
addiction, the crash after the high is just a mild depression, not nearly as
bad as a hangover after getting drunk. There is no apparent downside, no
adverse consequence to discourage future use. The sensation of power and
control contributes to the developing addiction. The meth user feels like he
is in control of his drug use.
As the pleasure center is damaged by the over-stimulation, the situation
changes in several ways. As the drug destroys the dopamine and serotonin
receptors on midbrain neurons, it takes more to get high—more meth, more
often.24 The user “chases the high,” switches dealers and recipes, combines
the use of meth with the use of heroin or cocaine, trying to reach that
elusive “virgin experience.” When the meth user is high, he is expansive
and talkative, energetic and motivated. At the top, he is jittery and agitated.
In withdrawal, he is irritable and depressed.
A similar process occurs with older adolescent children, but this time
the diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder. Some of these children have a serious
and lifelong mental illness that will require treatment with strong medications.
62 Others are poorly disciplined, moody teenagers whose parents will
not take responsibility for controlling their children’s behavior. The
parents’ thought process appears to be that if they can get the doctor to find
something wrong with the child, they will not have to admit that maybe
they have a spoiled teenager on their hands.
The moody teenager who was not taught to control his emotions at age
thirteen has also been diagnosed with “Bipolar Disorder.” He has been told
that he has a biochemical problem and he is not held accountable for his
outbursts of anger and rage. He is given medications that are potentially
dangerous, again based on their ability to sedate a normal person, not on an
extensive diagnostic evaluation. He is likely to engage in drug abuse, not
because of any inherent biochemical problem, but because he has learned
that he will not be held responsible for his actions.
I am not a bad person. You are not a victim.
