From the moment we got together that first night on holiday, I knew you were the one, and you were. You were literally the best thing that ever happened to me, those texts? all truth, you made me so happy and I felt like the goddamn king all year. The love you gave me was more than anything my parents ever gave me, you have no idea how much i cherished having you around, someone to talk to, someone to direct my energy towards - work just doesnt cut it, i needed to love someone. Without you, I'm just a piece of shit but with you I'm calm and collected, people actually like me!
The reason it wasn't romantic any more? I hate to say it, but it was the no sex. When you told me about hating the throbbing and being on the pill and everything, i purposely avoided getting intimate and just let you take control and i should have never let you slip out of my fingers so easily, i got so used to not ever trying that neither of us even tried to be anything more than friends and thats exactly how we've ended up. Don't get me wrong, I love having you as a friend, but we'll never be close - I know I'll hate any boy that starts getting intimate with you, and you'll be the same. Hell, you couldnt stand me and anna being together and she was on my goddamn team!
We ended just as fast as we started and that's just so wrong. I wish I'd known these answers before you came to mine. I wish I'd disregarded comfort and just slept with you in my damn single bed, I wish I'd tried with you, I wish portugal wasnt such a polava, I wish we can like each and be friends and talk to each other NOW - i dont want to wait another 7 weeks before being able to talk to you again and actually i'll probably use that ticket as a way in, I wish you feel the same way about me and I wish we could be completely transparent with our feelings. All these wishes and maybe, just maybe I'd be having the summer of my life - instead I'm just depressed and incredibly lonely
All this said, if breaking up with me killed even half your demons, it might be the best thing that will ever happen to you. It doesn't make it any easier for me though.
If we had gone to that festival and done everything we'd said... I fear you'd go the same way as john did - you've only seen him happy, as 'new john', I saw him at his lowest and it was scary. It would have ruined you. It might have killed you. And I would never be able to live with that.
I hope our 'little' trip will be fine, I really hope we get along but most of all I hope we have a future. You'll always mean something to me, I don't think I could not love you.
For the record, this is the first time I've cried over you since you called on that friday and if we ever do get back together, you'll probably read this.
